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How To React To Her Hot/Cold Nature

(12 Posts)
Jimmi101 Sat 20-Jun-20 20:56:07

There is a lot of history that is linked with this situation, and so I'll keep it brief. I'm 32 now and met her 5 years ago. We got together and to this day I resonate the most with her, she's pretty much the female version of myself.
About 2 years into things we had to be separated by a vast distance and for me it became torture. So we saw different people, all the while periodically making contact with each other throughout 3 years. Sometimes it would be me reaching out, sometimes her. Even when we were in relationships, we couldn't stop reaching out in some way. It was wrong due to is being in relationships, but it is what it is.

In the last 3 months we have been talking as we used to, we are both single at the moment. I know in my heart I've never felt what I do for her as I have for anybody else. Last week she said to me that I have been the guy who she has felt the deepest things for. The issue is that there is a pandemic currently playing out, so I can't make my way to her again.

So we are keeping in touch in the meantime, but I have everything out in the open with my heart on my sleeve. She keeps changing between being so hot and then so very cold. And example is that last night we stayed up into the early hours talking on the phone for around 3 hours, not once growing bored. We have always had this level of interest and communication throughout the 5 years we've known each other. Then the following day we spoke again but when it comes to texting, she can be silent for 5,6 or so hours. She will also sometimes have 1 line replies and isn't attentive.

I asked her how she feels and why she is being standoffish, she stated that she doesn't want a long distance relationship, she has had a lot of turbulence in her life for the last few years and has recently found stability. She stated that if we could meet in person again then she would be open to things. I totally empathise with this and understand, but I cannot ignore my strong feelings and don't know how to play this hot / behaviour?

OP’s posts: |
Lifeisforliving123 Sat 20-Jun-20 21:59:50

Block her and move on sweetie and meet someone whom is your everything and the feeling is mutual x

Jimmi101 Sun 21-Jun-20 15:45:16

Hey thanks for the response.
Block her and move on just like that? She did say that she wants to meet by cannot deal with long distance, and so when we are able to we will. But yeah I can't be in an unbalanced situation like this. If she was anybody else I would have moved on ages ago

OP’s posts: |
Leglump Sun 21-Jun-20 15:46:59

She’s just not that into you. Sorry.

rvby Sun 21-Jun-20 16:01:55

It isn't mean to be this complicated. If she wanted to be with you, nothing on heaven or earth would keep her from that.

Shes texting you and communicating with you because it boosts her ego and gives her a warm fuzzy feeling of being wanted. She probably cares about you a bit, but that's it.

Another thing to know... when you meet someone who seems like "the female version of you", that's an indication that you are wrapped in a fantasy and are not actually looking at the reality of who she is. She isnt the female version of you... she just isn't. Next time you find yourself caught in that thought pattern, run away, not towards. It's actually a common sign that you're dealing with a narcissist or sociopath... they do a technique called "mirroring" that is highly seductive.

StrangeTimes Sun 21-Jun-20 16:08:25

She's not that into you. Sorry to be blunt but you're her amusement when she's bored.

Potential relationships shouldn't be this hard. Block and move on. You don't need the drama and the games.

ravenmum Sun 21-Jun-20 16:26:33

when it comes to texting, she can be silent for 5,6 or so hours. She will also sometimes have 1 line replies and isn't attentive.
If this is what you mean by "cold", maybe she is just busy?

monkeyonthetable Sun 21-Jun-20 16:35:52

I agree with @ravenmum. Even when I was besotted at the start of our relationship I just couldn't stand being texted and pestered all the time. It didn't turn me off DP as I adored him and fancied the pants off him but I had to ignore the behaviour as it really irritated me. Some people like to focus deeply on what they are doing in the moment and texting all day long is like having a toddler constantly interrupt. Stick to certain times of day when she's likely to be less busy and see if she warms up.

Thingsdogetbetter Sun 21-Jun-20 16:36:27

It doesn't matter how perfect you are for each other, she doesn't want a ldr. So this 'connection' you have is a waste of time and emotional energy. Occasional long intense chats online/by phone are not going to change the fact that there is (I assume from your posts a considerable) distance between you. Her meeting you next time she's in the area is not going to change the fact you don't live near enough for her to contemplate a relationship.

It's like you're both teasing yourselves by keeping the connection active when you know it's going to go nowhere. You've built up the other person into your fantasy woman over the years because of the lack of actually spending any time together. She's your fantasy woman because you haven't seen her enough for her to become a real woman.

kgal3542 Sun 21-Jun-20 16:36:53

@Jimmi101
Maybe she's just not a texter, she prefers to speak face to face or on the phone, and texting just reminds her of the sheer physical distance between you in terms of mileage.
It sounds as if she really "gets" you, and you get her.
Don't give up on a good thing.

laurelhedge Sun 21-Jun-20 16:53:25

She's been there with you, and done the long distance non relationship. It looks like she doesn't really want to go there again, but wants to keep her options open. Personally I wouldn't want long distance either, and ended a relationship because of it.

I think you should back off nicely until you can actually commit to living within commuting distance of one another, and then try again. Just keep it casual until then.

Jimmi101 Sun 21-Jun-20 22:15:56

Thanks for everybody's replies, there is a lot to think about here so I will just make a general response.

We did talk every single day for about a year over a distance at the start (5 years ago), long emails, multiple hour calls and when we met in person things were great. Then we had to be separated due to unforseen events. Then finally after many months a pandemic occurred.
We still seem to feel the same way but she has been jaded and hurt by long distance situations it seems, not just with myself but with someone else too. I respect that and understand it, which I do mention in the OP. I just didn't know how to approach this situation currently.

I put everything out in the open today and she said she needs stability and peace, and has said she vowed not to enter into anything long distance some months ago. I stated that I can't accept having someone I have such strong feelings for only halfway in my life, so I'm moving on, and that's where it stands. It's going to be hard to maintain non contact and to get on with life, but I've done it before.

She and I can talk on the phone for hours and hours, she seems to be fully open when she hears my voice. However when it comes to texting she can be cold, and actually yesterday didn't text me for over 12 hours. She's also currently going through insomnia while living with her parents again due to the pandemic. So her sleeping patterns are all out of sync. I feel when we talk on the phone she is how I remember and she is comfortable, then after she reminds herself she doesn't want long distance and has to back away, or at least this is what I can gather.

From here I will just try to focus on other things, run my business and whatever else. We both always end up in each others life again eventually, and hopefully if it happens then next time the pandemic is over.

OP’s posts: |

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