Just before lockdown something happened with the guy I'm seeing. I wont go into it, but he handled a situation badly. People said he was abusive and I was vulnerable and should walk away, but I really don't see it like that at all. I feel very safe with him and if I was concerned about abuse I would walk away.
But the problem is that he seems to have some sort of default mode of sex. In the above 'situation' basically I was upset and he used sex to try and make me feel better. Then, we were working through some things and he was upset, got drunk and called his ex fwb and invited her over. He says when she got there nothing happened as he realised it was stupid and sent her home but his first reaction was to have sex.
He has a tough relationship with his Dad who has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. He didn't want to talk about it, which I get, but he initiated sex which was quite rough like he was letting his emotions out through sex. (I was ok with it, if I wasn't I would have stopped him) Afterwards he was really apologetic and worried he had hurt me or was too rough with me. We had sex again later and he was gentle.
I don't know if I'm reading too much into the whole thing? But I'm worried its going to be a problem if his main way of communicating is through sex. We do talk, its lot like we don't communicate at all but... I don't know...I don't even know if any of this makes sense.. :(
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Relationships
Using sex to deal with feelings
Lorelai101 · 20/06/2020 20:55
In the above 'situation' basically I was upset and he used sex to try and make me feel better.
You didn't want sex then, so that is rape OP. 
He also nearly cheated on you, or maybe he did. I'm sure he will at some point.
He's scary and sleazy.
It's not completely abnormal though is it? Is it not quite a typical man thing?
Being rapey and sleazy? It's fairly common but we don't have to be involved with these men.
The 'drama' was caused by me in the first place
No, he had a choice in how he acted, he didn't have to respond with rape.
Do I really just 'give up' on my relationship because of this?
Rape, and nearly cheating on you, or probably actually cheating on you? It's your choice but I wouldn't really say this is relationship 'goals.' You could find a decent guy who doesn't do this.
He's not physically abusive
Oh, but he is.
I certainly don't feel controlled by him in anyway
He's shagged you when you didn't want it, and at other times in ways you didn't enjoy and he knew you wouldn't enjoy, that's why he apologized afterwards as he knew he was doing stuff sexually that was unpleasant for you.
He controls you sexually a) when he forced you into sex you didn't want and b) The calling another woman over for sex is by implication telling you that if you don't give it he'll get it somewhere else (in fact, he probably will cheat on you whether you have sex with him/he rapes you or not.)
But I'm worried its going to be a problem if his main way of communicating is through sex
He's not communicating anything with the weird sex incidents you mention except he is a sexual sadist who gets off on hurting you or shagging you when you don't want it.
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@Lorelai101 Many of us have been there and it’s very hard, but these men don’t change and I can guarantee that you’ll be better off without him. 
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