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Gas lighting?

(6 Posts)
Frogbert Sat 20-Jun-20 19:53:48

My brain feels like soup right now so I apologise if this is incoherent. I can't quite figure out what is going through my DPs head, I'm not sure if this is gas lighting, or him trying to get out of trouble or what. He keeps lying about stupid tiny things. He'll do something I asked him not to and then blatantly lie about what I said. Or he'll get caught obviously doing something and then tell me he didn't. Not even things that would cause an argument or annoy me, but stupid small things. Why would he do that? I keep questioning myself even though I remember very clearly or there's no possible way what he's saying can be true. I could understand it more if it was something important, but these things are so, so small and insignificant. There are much bigger issues with our relationship, which I know would get a sea of "LTB" replies, it barely seems worth listing them.... I don't know how to find the strength to do it right now. Our kids are so small. I'm on maternity leave and he probably won't have a job soon due to covid. I dont earn enough for childcare. Everything feels like a hopeless mess. I have no idea how single parents afford to live.

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Lozzerbmc Sun 21-Jun-20 18:20:37

Can you sit down and have a chat with him? Is this lying something thats happened recently or has it always been an issue?

NoMoreDickheads Sun 21-Jun-20 18:28:32

Abusive men do it to mess with our heads and fuck us up. They can't handle women having their own mind and emotions so are constantly trying to break us down. They aren't happy that we're not acting and being exactly how they want- they actually hate us for it.

I heard an interview with Patricia Evans (who wrote 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship) where she said some will even do stuff like this:-

Say there's a gold sugar bowl or something you've had in the house for decades. They will take it off the work surface and pretend it never existed. shock

NoMoreDickheads Sun 21-Jun-20 18:28:54

Yes it is gaslighting.

userabcname Sun 21-Jun-20 18:35:59

Read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft (free pdf format if you google). It's fascinating! And references this very behaviour.

Frogbert Sun 21-Jun-20 22:08:05

Thank you for the replies, I have found the free PDF copy of that book and will give it a read

Thinking about it, I think it started around the time our first DC was born, so about three years ago. We have been together around 15 years.

Me not behaving the way he wants me to does make sense. I think I do a lot less for him since we had kids and don't put up with his laziness so much any more. I'm starting to feel like our relationship is one colossal mistake. It's really gut wrenching to admit it.

I think I'm just confused about what he is actually getting out of it...I actually said to him I feel like he's gas lighting me and he told me gas lighting was a load of made up nonsense. the irony is obviously lost on him. I really need to take some time to get my head straight. Thank you for your help.

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