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Partner wants to stay together but move out

(89 Posts)
NoPinkPlease Sat 20-Jun-20 16:30:21

I feel so at sea. This could be long...

My partner of 4.5 years is struggling with family life - I have two kids from a previous relationship, 9 and 12. 12 year old has autism - Aspergers type - makes me hard to handle sometimes but it's not life changing. The kids go to their dad's for half the weekend and one night in the week so we get some time together just us.

My partner has a history of depression and he came to live with me 2.5 years ago when in the depths of a bad bout. Over those 2.5 years we've worked so hard together to get him a driving licence, business up and running, his finances back on an even keel and his mental health stable. We've had some really fun and lovely times in the midst of some tough times.

Fast forward to now, his business has really taken off and he's 2 months into his business doing well enough to contribute to the household. He's finding it hard working full time and coming back to a full on house - kids obviously need a lot of my time. At night I tend to flop on the sofa about 9 and he'll already be there. He expects me to be chatty and for us to connect. He will have been working then have stopped and done nothing house wise (2 nights a week wash up maybe).

We've not been getting on that well. He feels distant to me when I feel I've been the same and he's withdrawn.

He often says he "accidentally" moved in when he wasn't well and didn't intend it to be permanent! In the meantime he fell out with his mum who owned the house he was living in and she sold the house.

He says he wants to live independently and experience that for the first time - living alone on his own earnings and paying his way is something he's never had to do (lucky him huh?!).

He wants to stay together but not have family life responsibilities it seems to me. I feel I come as a package now - the kids consider him a stepdad (12 year old especially). I am angry for them as well that he's suggesting withdrawing from their lives.

Aside from all this, he occasionally says he wants kids, I don't. I'm nearly 42, he's 39. His depression and up and down nature has put me off having kids with him - it would be too much for me to cope with, alongside all the other stuff I have to do - full time senior job.

We had planned a life together - moving in a few years to a joint home, combining incomes to do fun things! We couldn't possibly afford to do that if we were maintaining two households.

I feel like as a relationship we would have made it through - the little issues we have could be worked through. But the moving out stuff has made me question all that future and planning.

I can't deny I also feel a total idiot - I've invested in him / our future. He suddenly has his own money and off he wants to go...

Any advice?

OP’s posts: |
frustratedashell Sat 20-Jun-20 16:37:26

In the nicest possible way, I think you've been used. He's only fairly recently started financially contributing and wants to cherry pick the bits of the relationship that he wants. Unfortunately I think it's time to split up and move on. Doesn't help much around the house either by the sound of it.
I think you have enough on your plate without all that, what with his depression as well. And I say that as a depression sufferer myself. Good luck

Aquamarine1029 Sat 20-Jun-20 16:41:01

My advice is to end this relationship immediately. His selfishness is shocking. How wonderful for him that he would get to have everything on his terms, and to hell with you and your children. Get rid.

TooTiredTodayOk Sat 20-Jun-20 16:41:35

Wow. Let him go.

You've financed him for 2.5 years and now that he's finally earning some money he wants to move out.

You've been mugged off.

TenShortStories Sat 20-Jun-20 16:44:45

He wants to move out so I'd just let him go - there's no reward when you have to persuade someone to stick around. From there, is this someone you want to continue to be in a relationship with? There's nothing stopping you waiting and seeing, but I suspect that you'll feel he just doesn't cut it as a partner when he's only in for the bits that benefit him.

That said, he's struggled with depression and become a step-dad without necessarily realising the massive responsibility that comes with that until he was in deep. He's not unreasonable to change his mind; it just seems unfair to want to hang on to the relationship whilst getting the single lifestyle he wants.

litterbird Sat 20-Jun-20 16:49:25

So sorry, someone who wants a life with you does not move out. Just because he has his own finances doesn't give him a hall pass just to have the fun bits of the relationship without the family bit. I fear you have been used until he was in a better financial position. That really is bad. However, as he doesn't really do much around the house perhaps it might be good for you to have him elsewhere and you do the fun bits with him when you want to. Your children can still see him. I don't live with my boyfriend as we choose not to live together as our lives fit that way of being. It could work and you might actually benefit from less body in the house to sweep up after. Have a think first and don't make any decisions until it works for you or not.

0v9c99f9g9d939d9f9g9h8h Sat 20-Jun-20 16:50:23

He sounds incredibly selfish and not the person you want around your kids. I don't think you've given yourself many options. You can't allow him to appear like he's firing the rest of the family but continuing to see you when they're gone. That's too divisive and hurtful. He sounds like a spoilt victim who is probably always finding ways to be a victim.

SunbathingDragon Sat 20-Jun-20 16:51:30

I would say that he doesn’t want to be with you but doesn’t want to break the ties in case he needs you in the future.

NoMoreDickheads Sat 20-Jun-20 16:52:29

I feel I come as a package now

Of course you do.

He sounds whiny, self-adsorbed and immature. I have mental health problems and don't think I would move in with someone nowadays, as I have my own bad standards of housekeeping, including paper plates and plastic cutlery. grin It sounds like he's kind of treated you as if you were his mum. Don't let a man do this again- they can sort their own mental health, employment etc etc.

But the moving out stuff has made me question all that future and planning.

There is not one, that's why, unless maybe he expects you to hang around in case he wants to move in with you later? I think that would be a lack of self respect.

I would say to him, 'you do realize that would mean it's over, don't you?' Not as an ultimatum, as there's no point trying to keep someone around if they don't want to be there- he would just come out with the same shit again at some point in the future. And it's not like he contributes much to your life except more obligations, to chat when you're knackered etc.

So in fact, 'you do realize this means it's over?'

Takingontheworld Sat 20-Jun-20 16:56:43

Oh OP. He has well and truly used you.

You've mothered/nursed him for years and now he's well and financially ready to face the world- he wants to contribute fuck all back.

Your poor kids. Poor you. What a waste of your time.

NoMoreDickheads Sat 20-Jun-20 16:57:43

I don't live with my boyfriend as we choose not to live together as our lives fit that way of being.

@litterbird That would suit me too, but a lot of people like the idea of a relationship progressing in a conventionally romantic way which demonstrates a partner's love and commitment- a house, possibly marriage etc.

Without that they don't feel a relationship is 'going anywhere.'

Rembrandt Sat 20-Jun-20 17:00:18

In the meantime he fell out with his mum who owned the house he was living in and she sold the house.

Was that by any chance because he wasn't paying his way and she'd had enough of him freeloading?

Someone with this man's level of selfishness is never going to make a decent partner. He's happy for you to put yourself out to help him, but opts out of doing anything for you in return.

1235kbm Sat 20-Jun-20 17:02:20

OP did you pay for him to have driving lessons? I can't get over what a manipulative sponge this man is, no wonder he fell out with his mother. I bet she was glad to see the back of him.

He's a shit OP.

SoleBizzz Sat 20-Jun-20 17:10:10

He wants to end the relationship. He us a user. He will not prosper. You will.

Murmurur Sat 20-Jun-20 17:10:14

So he has started up his own business and 2 months after it's started to turn a profit, which he achieved during lockdown, he has the financial means to go and live independently? It must be a fantastic business idea if he's got that financially secure, that quickly.

I know this is missing the point a bit but what he is saying doesn't make a lot of sense. If it was really about paying his own way then he he can do that without moving out. On the other hand, adjusting to FT working after perhaps years of not doing that is a significant life change and I can see that him being utterly shattered in the evenings is understandable. However, him moving out seems a daft solution if that is the real problem. I think I'd feel really hurt in your position, and looking for him to be open to other solutions if he wants to keep the relationship.

IntheHeartofTransylvania Sat 20-Jun-20 17:16:28

Can understand why you’re irked, but can understand the way he says he feels too.

What is the dynamic like in your relationship OP? I remember reading something before about how people who were disproportionately dependent on their partner in some way (financially, physically/health-wise, etc.) are more likely to cheat. Not suggesting he is cheating, but just think it’s human nature that people don’t like feeling indebted and dependent on others.

It does also sound a bit like ‘flying the nest’ syndrome.

Rembrandt Sat 20-Jun-20 17:17:18

This is a man who has an established pattern of leeching off women before moving on to the next one. I would find it very difficult to believe that he suddenly wants to pay his own way and live alone. I think there's more to this story than he's letting on.

Either his plan is for you to carry on in your support role but at a distance, or he's got someone else lined up to take your place.

Azerothi Sat 20-Jun-20 17:22:15

Your boyfriend wants to keep you going while moving out in case it doesn't work out for him in the way he wants. Don't fall for this nonsense. I bet his mum thought all her birthdays had come at once when she palmed him off on you.

Pugsrus Sat 20-Jun-20 17:23:53

Oh my god
All that time and effort you put in to him ...your kids could of had that
I have 2 with autism ,he will of taken time away from them
He’s used all of you
Why are you not furious
Kick this twat to the curb
Your kids deserve better

sunnydays78 Sat 20-Jun-20 17:25:30

You sound like a lovely supportive partner. Unfortunately you’ve not got that in return. He’s used you when he’s needed You. I’d be so hurt, it would be the end for me.

Doyoumind Sat 20-Jun-20 17:27:39

Let him move out and move on. What a selfish and ungrateful man he has proved to be. Better off without him, OP.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon Sat 20-Jun-20 17:28:59

You've been used.

You sound strong. You can do better.

Dontforgetyourbrolly Sat 20-Jun-20 17:29:49

I'd move him out immediately. Don't let him dick you around while he drags his feet .
I'd be getting his stuff packed now.
I think you sound like a lovely person OP abs he has taken advantage of that . You can do better x

NoPinkPlease Sat 20-Jun-20 17:30:00

Thanks for all the comments so far - seems fairly unanimous. Am just digesting it all...

In answer to one of the questions, I'd paid for a small amount of the driving lessons when he had a shortfall in a couple of months. But yes, I've paid for him to exist - housing, food, council tax, bills etc

OP’s posts: |
AgentJohnson Sat 20-Jun-20 17:32:49

Living with you has outlived its usefulness and now he has the cash he has a choice where he splashes it.


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