Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
new baby, toxic relationship, he pushes me to the limit where i hit. things are F*cked i need advice(39 Posts)
Hi, im writing this because ive just had a big argument with my partner and im at my last straw with it all. i just want to leave.
My partner doesnt help me, when the baby was born and he had 2 weeks off he helped me for about 3 days and then played his game from the moment he woke up till about 5am in the morning, on rare occasions he would get me something like a nappy or fill the bath up. He left rubbish everywhere, told me i was being fake when i was crying with big contractions and was annoyed he had to have the baby during it. I had postnatal depression and 3rd degree stitches and he just didnt understand how hard i was dealing with it all. just 1 week before the baby arrived i moved away from my family to be with him, im young and have never had the resposbility of a house so it was a lot and i was also away from them all, i was haveing a bad time breastfeeding too.
Id get so upset and stressed, id be exhausted juggling everything whilst he played his game and complained when i asked for help, he would say his friends need him and that hes busy which is why he cant help me. Id get get so angry because hed even leave me on micriphone so all his friends could listen, theyd make small comments about me and some would laugh at me after. Id turn his mic of telling him to come help and hed laugh, mock me or angrily tell to fuk off because ge was busy whilst switching it back on. Id get so stressed that id just brust in tears and start to scream at him, haveing a full on break down and he would blank me and not hear me or care, or whilst im on micriphone.The more the shouting went on and the more he would blank me and not care about what i was saying, id snap and id hit him, id pick his controller up and throw it. Id loose my shit :/ i know thats so bad especially with the baby... its so toxic and i dont want this for my little girl. When this happens he will storm upsrairs and like, now im really not helping. Ar the end of it i end up feeling guilty because he didnt say anything wrong? and im the one who went mental so i say sorry. the cycle continues.
He does love her, you can really tell but he runs away and gets defensive when he has to have any responsibilty. Ive started leaving him with her whilst i go shopping one a week for a couple hours, when i come home he gets angry and sometimes refuses ro help me put the shopping away because i was too long and she cried for ages... even though he knows i pumped a bottle.
Before things blew up too :/ the little one had been up since 2am meaning i was to, partner was fast asleep. i asked him at 7am if he can get up with her so i can have an hour to sleep, i was being picked up in 2 hours to go shopping to buy HIS food and was getting a really bad headache. He tried for 10mins, then said shes hungry. i breastfed her and she didnt want any, i turn around and hes going asleep. im basicly asking him to get up, he tells me hes tierd though and thibgs intensify. He walks down to make food, i follow asking him to have ger he turns gis back to me and says ni im hungry now. i hit his back.
Its so toxic and bad for the baby, i always feel like i cause it but he antagonizes me. I want to leave but at the same time i dont, i love him. Why is he like this, i know im in the wrong too and dont help the situation either.
It sounds like your really struggling and tbh, incredibly young.
You hitting your partner is not acceptable in any way shape or form though. You need to seek help, you need to leave this relationship and focus on your little girl. If this was the other way around and you were the man smashing up gaming stuff and hitting a woman because "you'd snapped" you'd get a lot of shit, rightly so.
You've said it a few times in your post, its toxic. So why are you still there? Think about your poor child in all of this and leave
This sounds pretty bad OP. His behaviour is bad no doubt but getting physical is no good sorry. How old is your baby? Could you go to your family? It sounds like this is over.
Are you able to move back with your family?
Just leave him and go back to be near your family.
You can't live like this and you know it.
He's not acting like a decent partner or father and you can't change him, all you can do is walk away.
I think that you will find parenting on your own with the support of your family so much easier than this. You are spending time trying to change your man into becoming the father you want him to be but which he can't and it's destroying you and this precious period with your baby.
It sounds like you are disappointed in and scared of your own behaviour towards him. It's confusing when we no longer recognise ourselves. His behaviour is bringing out the worst in you because you are disappointed with him. This disappointment is causing you to be angry and this is creating a toxic environment for your baby.
I think that you know that you need to leave. You have probably lost your sense of identity and self belief because you don't recognise yourself. You will easily reclaim this by moving back to your family and becoming the greatest mummy you know that you can be.
He sounds like a manchild and he is goading you. This will not change. You are not proud of your behaviour but only you can change this situation by letting go of your image of the family that you wanted, giving yourself time to mature and finding peace with yourself. You will then attract a much better partner. The type of person that you wanted in the first place.
First thing you need to do is leave and get support from your family.
Yes he's not helping you and that's does make him crap but physical abuse is never acceptable. You are a domestic violence perpetrator and wether you are pushed to your limits or not, hitting somebody is never, ever acceptable!
This was spot on, reading this made me feel a little less crazy because someone understood me. Thank you 💜
How old are you both and does he work? My ex was like this always on the game and basically hadnt grown up he wanted to be going out all the time and ended up messing about behind mine back we both married with different people and much happier we were only 21 and different ppl and not compatible he still sees ds regularly and we coparent fine after an initial rock few couple of years that was 11 years ago.
Some gamers can make good parents, this one can’t or won’t. He will always prioritise his friends and his gaming. He is NOT a good father or partner, loving someone means helping and caring for somebody if they need it and he does nothing for either of you
If you have somewhere else you can go then do, he won’t be any loss at all. If I were your Mum I would want you back with me rather than with this loser
You need to go back to your family TODAY. Are they happy to have you and baby to stay? You will get help there I'm sure and can reassess situation with bf when you have rested and things have calmed down.
It sounds like you only moved in with him just before the baby was born, so you didn't have time to adjust to living together as a couple before you became parents.
It might not be the right relationship for you long term, but just take it one day at a time, go to your family and get some help first.
Go back home to your family if you can.
This sounds like a miserable life.
Please stop hitting him though. You could get yourself in terrible trouble, and then where will your baby be?
I agree. Leave today and move back in with your family and get some support. Is this possible? Your daughter deserves better than this environment and you know this. Good luck.
Leave him immediately. Your violence towards him is just a nuisance to him, but there is a danger he could respond in kind... Find somewhere else to live. This is essential. Arrange to receive child support, although don't depend on him paying cause he sounds useless. If he complains, you can tell him you're genuinely doing him a favor, as he's now free to pursue him gaming and bachelor lifestyle.
Op you said 'he just didnt understand how hard i was dealing with it all.'
I'm telling he doesn't care!
That's the truth and I'm sorry to tell you this but he will keep on because he can. And you will lose your mind in the process.
He is going to cause you to react badly because mixed with having a new baby and needing support physical and emotional he isn't going to provide this.
He may care about your lo but he's not parenting and I bet without you to together he won't make much effort.
It's time to focus on YOU x
Blaming someone else for your physical assault on them is not OK. If a man said the same as you he’d be torn to pieces here.
Was he a model citizen before you got pregnant? Probably not! Did you expect him to change miraculously when the baby was born? You should not be together. It’s a shame a child was brought into this.
Why is he like this,
He doesn't push your buttons and make you do this. Own responsibility for your own actions which you chose to take.
In example two you hit him while he was making some food.
Having said that he is also abusive and crap. You need to leave ASAP.
You need to split up. Go home to your family.
Once there's violence, a line is crossed and there's no going back. Do the right thing for everybody and end it. Love isn't a good enough reason to stay when things are this fucked up.
He sounds like a useless excuse for a man and father.
He’s selfish and immature, can you go back with the baby to your family?
This isn’t going to work by that sounds of it.
And you chose to have a baby with him why???
I hope you are ok OP. Having a baby is hard even with the best support. My heart goes out to you.
Please try and stay strong and look after yourself and your precious baby.
Try and remove yourself from the situation. It will be hard, and unpleasant, and scary but life doesn't have to be like it is at the moment.
Keep in touch on here if you can.
Just go home to your folks for now. That gives you choices in the future. You can always change your mind about that.
But staying leaves you no choice but staying in this situation. What age is he? He sounds like a 16yr old gamer who thinks he's living with his annoying Mum who asks him to help with his little sister while she goes to the shop to buy the groceries.
Please login first.