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Is anyone free to talk?

(33 Posts)
Needanewnametoday Sat 20-Jun-20 01:08:33

Been married over twenty years, turbulent at times but we’ve muddled through. Husband, I’m hesitating to call him dh, is experiencing personality changes as part of a chronic illness. He really needs assessment but can’t get it due to Covid. I feel emotionally abused and guilty that I’m allowing the same for my children, but he can’t help it at the moment.

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Tiny2018 Sat 20-Jun-20 01:11:51

Can we honestly consider these personality changes as part of a chronic illness or is your husband perhaps not such a nice man OP?

relievedlady Sat 20-Jun-20 01:12:02

Here and awake op.

What type of condition does he have that alters his self or is it more the stress of his condition?

Are your dc young?

Needanewnametoday Sat 20-Jun-20 01:15:29

He has lesions identified in his brain and is waiting for an assessment with a neurologist. He’s always has been difficult at times, but it’s getting unbearable and impossible to reason with him.

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Aquamarine1029 Sat 20-Jun-20 01:16:20

Can you and your children go somewhere else? Can he?

Needanewnametoday Sat 20-Jun-20 01:17:35

Two older teenagers and an eight year old.

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Tiny2018 Sat 20-Jun-20 01:21:24

This is a tough one.
As in, there is reason for him being the way he is, and assuming you love him, would make you feel massively guilty for wanting to leave him if this genuinely isn't his fault.
In the other hand, you cannot be expected to live for the rest of your days with a man tgat majes you feel like crap.
And that is ok.

Needanewnametoday Sat 20-Jun-20 01:22:39

He wouldn’t be safe on his own I don’t think. I don’t have anywhere to go, (my parents deceased, his shielding, I don’t have friends who are that Close.

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1235kbm Sat 20-Jun-20 01:22:53

I'm really sorry to hear this OP, it must be very difficult. Is there anywhere he can go until he's assessed? A sibling, friend or his parents for example.

Baileysandcream Sat 20-Jun-20 01:29:59

It must be really stressful for you. Have you spoken to your GP about how this is affecting you?

Are there any support groups for families of someone with this illness? It may help to be able to connect with others who have experienced or are experiencing the same sort of problems as you.

torthecatlady Sat 20-Jun-20 01:30:59

I'm sorry that you and your family are dealing with this.

My df was diagnosed with a brain tumour when I was a young child and it caused huge changes in his personality. It was a really difficult time for all of us. I remember my mother telling me that he was really frightened about the future. Maybe your Dh is scared and doesn't know how to deal with it?

Just a thought, but could he seek some counselling (over the phone) whilst Covid is preventing him from speaking with his doctor?

TARSCOUT Sat 20-Jun-20 01:33:26

Hello I'm here too, you aren't alone. I guess he may be very scared and worried? This doesn't make it any easier for you I know. What does he do or say to you and the kids that is hurting you?

Needanewnametoday Sat 20-Jun-20 01:33:52

I have not. It’s looking like I’m going to be the sole earner and I’m job hunting. I’m in a field where having health issues myself could be a significant barrier to promotion. The appropriate charity is a good idea, though.

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Needanewnametoday Sat 20-Jun-20 01:42:32

He is frightened about the future. He is paranoid, tries to dominate the kids, especially the youngest. Can’t reason with anybody, excessive removal of toys/time outs can’t back down. I’m working full time from home, trying to homeschool and do all chores. He used to share housework fairly but now some things he physically can’t do, can’t plan/assess what needs doing and gets angry and defensive if I suggest things he could and “won’t” out of what feels like spite. I’m knackered from managing him. Older kids are working outside the home but help where they can. The littlest is, understandably, acting up and everybody has had enough of her, too, poor mite.

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Needanewnametoday Sat 20-Jun-20 01:45:03

I will suggest he try counselling, but he probably won’t.

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BraverThanYouBel1eve Sat 20-Jun-20 02:13:27

That's really tough. As PP said the change in his behaviour may be due to illness, but nevertheless it may still be unbearable / unsafe for you and the children to live with him. Try calling National Domestic Abuse Helpline and run specific examples through them to get their advice.

rubabayaga Sat 20-Jun-20 02:14:11

This sounds like a very difficult situation and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. One of my parents had a neurological disease and one of my biggest fears was the potential personality changes, because I didn't want to lose them in that way. May I ask what caused you to post now, and in the very immmediate sense of the word you are ok? Have you been given any timescale for when he will see a neurologist? Would it be worth contacting your GP and discussing the stress/potential depression you are suffering as a result of his illness? I know it's not what you need right now but please make as much noise about this as you can to your local health service.

Needanewnametoday Sat 20-Jun-20 02:35:58

We’ve been told urgent but no timescale. I felt utterly humiliated today when he blew up, (all verbal but out of control and inappropriate) at dd over her spellings while I was on a conference call today. He eventually apologised, but I can’t leave them alone again. I’m sleeping on the sofa. I don’t want to be near him now.

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TARSCOUT Sat 20-Jun-20 02:48:14

It sounds so difficult and you sound angry. I may be reading this wrong and please accept my apologies if I am but you sound angry. Angry at the situation but also that you're trapped.

You're grieving for the future and the fear of the whats coming next. You could leave, not just because of the situation just now but as you say it's never been the best. Then you feel guilty knowing you won't leave but you want to and then back to angry.

You must be exhausted. I would suggest you contact the GP for you. You need help to make sure everyone else is ok.

Again if I have totally misunderstood please realise I didn't mean to offend you.

BraverThanYouBel1eve Sat 20-Jun-20 02:59:03

Please call GP, so that they have a record of your stress, then Domestic Abuse helpline, then police. The sooner you start to record the abuse the better for you, in the long run. This situation is not going to just correct itself. Don't minimise it. It's not like physical abuse is some special category, verbal and emotional abuse can be just as damaging if not worse. Also get some RL support - friends, family etc. Be strong.

Ispini Sat 20-Jun-20 04:24:10

So sorry you are going through this OP. I really second the suggestion of getting the GP involved. It will help for social services help in the future. Look after yourself, I really don’t envy your situation, it sounds so hard to cope with. 💐

LiveintheNow Sat 20-Jun-20 08:59:24

Are you the capable one, the one who normally copes? The dynamic of some relationships gets upset when something happens that means the one who normally gives support becomes the one who needs support.

Needanewnametoday Sat 20-Jun-20 09:40:08

Morning, and thank-you. I am angry and feeling trapped. To be fair to him we are normally both quite capable in different ways, but he’s always had a tendency to catastrophe when stressed, Basil Fawlty-like, but he was prepared to work hard and a hands-on dad. I’m normally the planner and organiser.
To anyone in a relationship that isn’t making them happy, run. Run now! Don’t find yourself here.

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LiveintheNow Sat 20-Jun-20 09:53:01

Actually I am in a very similar situation and don't have a clue what to do! DH with progressive neurological condition and I am very frustrated with trying to talk to him about important things and getting literally nothing back.

Needanewnametoday Sat 20-Jun-20 09:55:04

I’m so sorry, liveinthenow it’s pants, isn’t it.

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