Support please

[Jjlobster]

Hi everyone.

I am desperately unhappy and I don't know what to do. My marriage is over, for all intents and purposes and has no chance of recovery (lots of reasons, main one being that there is nothing to recover it to. He has no sexual desire, no need for affection and no need to even talk to me - but not in a passive aggressive way, he is on the asd spectrum so it is just who he is). We have mutually decided to stay cohabiting as we don't want to be separated from our 4 young children (4 planned pregnancies. Lucky enough to fall pregnant first time each time, he did not want to have sex).

The problem is, i was ok ish with this until I met someone else. We had a short lived physical fling and a slightly longer emotional affair. I genuinely love this man but he is also married and it is more than definitely over. I am devestated at the thought that I can never be with this man.
My husband is aware of this and is obviously sad but has said I can have a side relationship if that is what I need. But now, i am so so unhappy at the thought of never having a cuddle or a kiss or a normal conversation in my home. I don't know what to do.

I feel so unloved all the time, all my past relationships ended by the other person (H and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7, i am 35 in a few weeks). I am having phone sessions with a counsellor but they're not helping much to be honest. I am so in need of being loved and loving someone and I don't know how to get back to the point that H and I were at.

I have told a few close people about the situation but understandably they have their own lives and don't want to be caught up in my issues.

I'm just looking for some advice on how to get over the man I love like I never have before (i have known him for 4 years, we are very close and compatible but the fling only started in april and ended a month ago, and was only physical twice- but not actual sex), how to continue living with my H and be a good mum. And if all that fails, how to cope with the stigma and judgement I will get for being a single mum of 4.


I actively chose to be with someone like my husband because of how much I didn't want to be alone and i wanted someone who would never leave me. I don't regret this action at all.

But in the last 10 years I have changed beyond belief in some ways, but not enough in others.

Thank you for reading

[1235kbm]

I suggest you get into therapy OP. Take a look at BACP for a therapist.

[Jjlobster]

Thank you. I have a counsellor.

I just want to hear from people who may have been in similar situations and can offer advice. My counsellor has a set appointment time for me and obviously this issue is impacting me enough that I can't sort it out in my head with only an hour a week support.

I hope that comes across as intended, and not sarcastic.

[1235kbm]

You don't need a counsellor OP, you need a therapist. Some therapists are available more than once a week, you can organise that with them.

[NoMoreDickheads]

how to cope with the stigma and judgement I will get for being a single mum of 4.

I think there's much less stigma nowadays. Divorce is common and people accept people split up. I think young mums get frowned on unfortunately, and mums where the kids all have different fathers (still not ok to judge) but there's not much stigma about someone having had a divorce/separation.

If you need more support you could contact your GP/consultant, if you've already done that then contact them again and tell them how you're feeling, as there are loads of things they can try.

It sounds like you might be able to find a counsellor/therapist who you get further with- it can take a few goes to find one that you feel is getting you anywhere. I would try another one.

[Jjlobster]

Thank you everyone.