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Narcissistic husband

(14 Posts)
Virtual Fri 19-Jun-20 16:45:51

Hello, I am a mom of two kids, Recently I realised that my husband is gaslighting me.. I didn't know how to name his behaviour until I read and searched about it and realised that i had been gaslighted.. I love him, he was the only one I love even he emotionally hurt me a lot. I thought I divorce him, but because of my kids I can't do that. They are loving their father.. I struggled a lit with him. He is lying to me even about simple things that no need to lie for.. and recently because I am felling so lonely, i really need him to support me but what I realised that he neglects me more and more.. he started to deny words that he is saying it to me.. I don't know how to deal with him? I know that the only wright thing to do with NPD is to leave him and not look back, but I am alone in UK and I can't support myself and kids if I divorce him. As I don't have British nationality and I am afraid of my rights especially if he takes the kids, and I can't stand without them. I don't know how to deal with my struggles!

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Fri 19-Jun-20 17:04:28

Hey op, I'm sorry to hear you ae going through this.

First, realise that you are not alone, you just need to know where to turn to ask for help. I suggest you speak with Womens Aid. They will help you process things and will also be able to advise you with whom to speak with regarding supporting yourself and the kids should you separate.

Please know that having kids is MORE of a reason to leave this man. Not less. Otherwise they will grow up either to become a bully like him or even worse, they will go on to marry someone like him. You must show them that it is not ok to treat, or be treated, the way your husband has been treating you.

Often abusive men claim they will take the children if you try to leave. But honestly, it is an empty threat because there is no way they would want to look after them all on their own.

Do you have a supportive family back home? (Abroad) if so, could you go there with the kids when the flights start up again?

1235kbm Fri 19-Jun-20 17:24:41

Contact Rights of Women for immigration advice OP. Contact the National helpline for advice on the abuse: 0808 2000 247

Virtual Fri 19-Jun-20 17:33:16

Bunnymumy

Hey op, I'm sorry to hear you ae going through this.

First, realise that you are not alone, you just need to know where to turn to ask for help. I suggest you speak with Womens Aid. They will help you process things and will also be able to advise you with whom to speak with regarding supporting yourself and the kids should you separate.

Please know that having kids is MORE of a reason to leave this man. Not less. Otherwise they will grow up either to become a bully like him or even worse, they will go on to marry someone like him. You must show them that it is not ok to treat, or be treated, the way your husband has been treating you.

Often abusive men claim they will take the children if you try to leave. But honestly, it is an empty threat because there is no way they would want to look after them all on their own.

Do you have a supportive family back home? (Abroad) if so, could you go there with the kids when the flights start up again?


Hello thank you very much for your advice. I can see the beam of hope in my darkness life.. To be honest! My family is supporting me but if I return back to home things get worst ever. Because my husbands family don't let me to take kids. Besides, In our culture divorced woman is seen as if they did something immoral or as if I slept with another man! And this puts more pressure on me I really can't handle it.. and if I return to my country he will absolutely come back and don't leaves me easily.. that is why my only thing to do is to be with him and try to copt with him.. and this reality makes me broken! I tried to speak with him many many times but there is to normal understanding between us. Either fight or silence!!.. I used many ways to make him understand me and what I need but there is no way! And if i do so or if I tried to make a normal conversation to solve our problems then it ends with neglecting me for weeks.. and this it kills me I really afraid from loneliness..

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Fri 19-Jun-20 17:41:18

Oh op sad I think you know you have to find a way to leave.

There is plenty of support available for single mums in terms of benefits and child support.

You are married to a British citizen and have 3 children born here so you arent going to be forced to leave the country. Even if you divorce him.

Call the link the above poster gave and also speak with womens aid (when he is out).

Do you work at all? Or receive benefits atm? If so, make sure they are going into your bank account (not a joint account).

If you can get enough for a deposit and a few months rent saved, then you can find a place for you and the kids and go. And after a few months, the benefits and child support (you have applied for as soon as you leave) should kick in.

Virtual Fri 19-Jun-20 17:43:12

1235kbm

Contact Rights of Women for immigration advice OP. Contact the National helpline for advice on the abuse: 0808 2000 247


Thank you daffodil

OP’s posts: |
1235kbm Fri 19-Jun-20 17:44:12

No problem - let me know how you get on.

Virtual Fri 19-Jun-20 17:46:49

Bunnymumy

Oh op sad I think you know you have to find a way to leave.

There is plenty of support available for single mums in terms of benefits and child support.

You are married to a British citizen and have 3 children born here so you arent going to be forced to leave the country. Even if you divorce him.

Call the link the above poster gave and also speak with womens aid (when he is out).

Do you work at all? Or receive benefits atm? If so, make sure they are going into your bank account (not a joint account).

If you can get enough for a deposit and a few months rent saved, then you can find a place for you and the kids and go. And after a few months, the benefits and child support (you have applied for as soon as you leave) should kick in.


I am not a British citizen neither my husband nor my kids.. so it is a bit difficult for me..

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Fri 19-Jun-20 17:49:34

Ah I see, so why would being single make a difference?

...is he over here on a work Visa or something? And it covers his family too?

Virtual Fri 19-Jun-20 18:43:25

Bunnymumy

Ah I see, so why would being single make a difference?

...is he over here on a work Visa or something? And it covers his family too?


He is on work visa and I am dependent. I just want to some one help me how to deal with such personality? Is there any specific way to talk to him? Can it be changed? Is there any therapy? Or divorce is the only way!

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Fri 19-Jun-20 19:00:50

If he is npd or similar then no. There is no fixing it because it is who.he.is. It is not a mental illness, it is a personality disorder. He is just such an utter bastard that there is a name for it.

If it makes it easier for you to understand, think of him as a psychopath. Because it is pretty much the same thing.

Knowing that, why would you stay? It is so dangerous for you and your kids.

Never agree to go to couples counciling with an abuser btw. They wil just manipulate the councillor too. And use them against you.

Bunnymumy Fri 19-Jun-20 19:07:21

Ps: you dont have to divorce straight away. But you do need to leave him as fast as possible.

If the courts become involved it is likely they will want to have the children stay with the mother. He cant just keep your kids. That being said I'm not sure you can just move back abroad with them either but if you were forced to leave because of the Visa thing, I think they would want the kids to go back with their mum.

Keep any evidence of his abuses towards you. It might come in handy later.

Virtual Fri 19-Jun-20 19:17:34

Bunnymumy

Ps: you dont have to divorce straight away. But you do need to leave him as fast as possible.

If the courts become involved it is likely they will want to have the children stay with the mother. He cant just keep your kids. That being said I'm not sure you can just move back abroad with them either but if you were forced to leave because of the Visa thing, I think they would want the kids to go back with their mum.

Keep any evidence of his abuses towards you. It might come in handy later.


Thank you really helpful, I will try to leave him in a peaceful way, hopefully..

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Fri 19-Jun-20 19:25:18

If you can get away whilst he is out somewhere (eg: at work) that would be smart. You dont really want to let him know you are thinking of leaving. Until you are actually out.

If needed there are womens refuges that will take you and the kids (just check with womens aid for your nearest).

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