50/50 finances

[YourHandInMyHand]

Me and DP have always both put half towards all household bills. We also figured out what our average food/groceries spend is and he gives me half towards that each month.

All well and good I guess.

• Except I earn a tiny amount and still pay half.
• Except the time I had to give up work for DS1'S needs for a while and still paid half, using up savings to do so.
• Except when he gets a raise or a bonus it cuts my child tax credits down.

Current situation my tiny income is now at zero thanks to lockdown.

At first this was met with "I'll put more in, don't worry" which he did the 1sr month.... to 3 months in. This month I'll pay in my usual amount minus 100, I did the same last month. I had worked out I could just about cover my outgoings with child maintenance, Dla, etc. Fine. Then in literally the next sentence dp drops in that he will have over a grand left over this month after he's paid his half and the 100 I'm not putting in. A grand. In a month. Spare money.

Lockdown has been great for his finances as no weekly footie matches to go out for a massive drink before and after at the pub. No weekly drink after work on a Friday. No meal deal lunches. He said he would use this time to sort his overdraft out and has even bought some bits for the house which normally he wouldn't be bothered/wouldn't be a priority.

I just don't think this is great. I feel generally I'm left with very little and that very little is used wisely to the kids and the house. His is used for his socialising and buying us takeaways (which I enjoy but also think are a waste of money and wouldn't buy as often).

My income dropped by a third when we had youngest (as I'm a childminder) and he seems to gloss over the fact that this has affected my finances. He laughs off any suggestions I get a different job and we pay half each of nursery fees. I wouldnt/couldn't anyway. But no acknowledging the drop in my income or its affect on me being able to put in half.

I'm not sure what I would see as fair or reasonable really and don't quite know what I would like. If we had completely shared finances I'd be uncomfortable as I feel he wastes money whereas I am very frugal.

What do other people do?

[Windyatthebeach]

Sorry but he doesn't sound committed to your relationship now the (covid 19) chips are down...

[tellmesomethingreal]

I earn £10,000 a year, husband earns 15 x that - we pool everything and share. Always have, even when I was earning a lot more.

We both get paid into a joint account, all bills, childcare, etc gets taken. We put a chunk into savings, put a chunk into our own accounts for whatever we want and then the rest is spent on eating out, stuff for children, things we need as go through the month like food shopping, car bills, family presents

[Murraygoldberg]

Am a big fan of separate finances but he is taking the piss. Can you calculate equal personal spending money or something similar

[LouHotel]

Your being financially abused and unfortunately it's not uncommon but he has absolutely no decency.

To me 50/50 of shared finances is only acceptable in a relationship regardless of income until you have children as usually the mothers will have to make changes in their earning potential as well as maternity, sick day etc.... this seems to come up on mumsnet alot and I'm always really shocked that you and others have to ask if its unreasonable. Your child is no longer in your womb, they are now an entity that is 50% your partners.

I earn £15k than my DH p/a we both keep back £500 'fun' money and the rest was pulled. My DH has lost his job due to covid so I've put my full salary into the joint.

I know some couples who do it by percentage which is still fairer than your system but still not equal.

[CupcakesK]

I would calculate how much you should each contribute based on the percentage you each earn of the total household income. E.g. If you earn £10,000 a year and he earns £30,000 a year (3x your earnings). So he should pay 3x as much. So if each month your bills come to £1000, you would pay £250 and him £750.

Another argument would be that a you calculate the cost of the childcare and housekeeping you are currently doing for free and bill him for it. This might be a bit extreme, but at least it might make him aware that you are doing a job and deserve to be paid for it as if you weren’t doing it, he would need to pay someone else.

Also you are having to be frugal because of how little you have left each month. You deserve to have the same quality of life that he is currently living!

Good luck on getting him to be reasonable with this

[Parker231]

You aren’t in a partnership. We put all income into an account and then both have the same free money regardless of our salary to spend on hobbies, nights out individually, I buy too many clothes and DH buys new skis.

Why should he have more personal money than you? Sounds like you need to return to full time employment to ensure you have enough money. .

[Aerial2020]

This is not being a family unit. This is him keeping his separate financial life while living with the mother of his child.
I can't believe he hasn't addressed this.
You need to.

[AskingforaBaskin]

Is it partner or husband?
Ideally deductions should be proportional to income.
If you have a daughter you must educate her on the importance of marriage and financial security in relationships.

[Glenthebattleostrich]

Honestly, I'd bill him for half the cost of your child's space.

Then I'd make arrangements to leave him.

[FifteenToes]

I think LouHotel has made the key point - and it came up as well recently on a similar thread here: there has to be a change of attitude to this when children enter the scene. If you have a family where one of the adult's time is being spent raising the children, then you can't look at that as each adult simply being responsible for their own income and expenses. Both adults have made the decision to have children, and part of that decision is putting the time in to raise them, while everyone still has a reasonable (and reasonably similar) standard of living.

OTOH you also raise another important point: Completely shared finances (where everything is paid into a joint account and spent according to joint agreement) can be problematic too because people have different ideas about what is reasonable expenditure. This can cause incessant arguments and bad feeling where one partner either feels they can't spend money that they should be able to, or the other is being wasteful, or whatever.

In my experience, the only solution that worked was to start from this point (everything pooled jointly), but then make an absolutely thorough budget covering all shared expenses (it sounds like you've already done that), allowing for saving towards larger, longer term expenses like home renovations, pensions etc, and then take what's left and divide it equally between each partner to be absolutely their own. They can then spend that according to their own priorities without needing anybody else's say-so.

It sounds like he'd be reluctant to do this though as he would end up with considerably less personal money than he has now. That touches on a more general question of how you see yourselves as a family. I take it you're not married as you refer to him as DP rather than DH, but then you have children. It might be useful to reflect on what the conversations and mutual understanding were behind how you got to this point. Have you had conversations about your long term financial future together? (kids' higher education, inheritance etc.) It seems like you've just kind of found yourself in this situation without there being the kind of conscious decision-making that it really requires.

[category12]

Doesn't he feel like a big old jerk for being so well-off while you're counting the pennies?

If he doesn't, there's something wrong with him. I bet it translates into being a selfish arse in the relationship generally too.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You are being financially abused here. I would also think that you are being abused in other ways too, these men are solely ever just financially abusive.

I would start firming up plans to leave this individual because he will never share and he does not either regard you as an equal.

[Aerial2020]

And why are you with paying half the nursery fees when you don't earn the same?
Why are you allowing this??
I have a feeling he doesn't give a shit you have less, he is carrying on he likes.

[LannieDuck]

Does he do half of the childcare? Not just at weekends, but during the working week too?

If he expects you to pay 50% of bills, then he needs to find a way to do 50% of childcare. At the moment, you're doing much more than 50% childcare because you're looking after DS1 9-5 Mon-Fri.

I'm going to guess he does a bit of childcare in the evenings and weekends - lets say 15% of total care.

So you pay 50% of bills and do 85% of childcare.
He pays 50% of bills and does 15% of childcare.

How is that fair?

[billy1966]

He is an abusive prick.

You are being financially abused.

He is not a good man.

He is not decent.

He is scum.

Reach out for support.

Yours in an abusive relationship.

I'm so sorry OP.

[PicsInRed]

God he's shit.

[Anothernick]

From each according to their ability, to each according to their need.

I earn more than 10x as much as my DW and I pay for everything. And that is as it should be. She spends her money on things for herself.

50 50 split only works if you are both earning similar amounts, otherwise the split needs to reflect ability to pay, Especially if one partner is taking more responsibility for childcare.

[IndiaMay]

I dont believe in joint finances but hes taking the piss. Me and OH do percentage wise. So we each put 1/3 of our take home earnings into a joint account and our mortgage, household bill's and weekly food shop come from this. There is a little left at the end of the month we leave in to build up and spend on home improvements etc. Solo bill's like our cars and mobile phones and hobbies/spending we pay from the 2/3 we have left. Separate savings too. As we have larger expenses or children etc that 1/3 we put into a joint account may change to 1/2 or 2/3 leaving us less to spend on ourselves (at the moment we both have a lot of fun money). There was a time when my OH didnt earn for 2 months due to illness and luckily the money we had left to build up for home improvements covered the share he would normally put in.

[DandyMandy]

That's ridiculous. You aren't earning the same amount, so why is he expecting you to chip in as much as he is? That doesn't make any sense. This sounds like financial abuse. I've read about women being trapped in these types of situations. I hope you can speak to someone soon. Funny how these types of men are all for 50/50 when it comes to finances but they wouldn't dream of going 50/50 when it comes to talking care of their children.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

I agree you’re being financially abused. Whether you’d be in a partnership with separate or pooled finances it should never ever be 50/50 with such a difference in earnings. Plus it actually seems like it’s 100/0 on you for child and house expenses. This is abusive with the result to ensure you cannot save and so would never have the means to leave and support yourself. Not now and not even as a pensioner as this is erasing your future financial security.

I’m sad and angry for you. If there’s a remote possibility that he’s doing it out of ignorance, try and get him to see reason.

If seperate finances- you add your two incomes and calculate what % each of you earns of the total. Then you split all bills by that share. So if you earn £10k and he earns £90k, it’s a 10%/90% split on the bills.

If joint finances- your and his income gets pooled into a joint account from which all expenses are paid and both parties can spend. It also funds equal amounts to both of your pensions and savings and an equal monthly allowance to your own seperate accounts for “fun” money.

Sorry you have been going through this. It’s really a bad situation and I hope things do get better for you.

[Bubbletrouble43]

We used to be 50/50 when we both earned about the same, but dp has recently got a better paid job with longer hours and I'm doing more childcare and earning less ( I'm happy with this) so our new system is it all goes in one pot and then gets distributed to the various bills etc and we get an equal amount of " free" cash back each month in our personal accounts.

[YourHandInMyHand]

Wow. Just come back to read the replies and I'm a bit overwhelmed by it! Financial abuse?

I agree it's crap but I don't know if it's wilful/knowingly in his part or lack of empathy/awareness. Def need to talk about it I guess. But I belive he actually thinks he's currently being very sensible and even generous with money. :-O

I'm massively overwhelmed at the moment anyway with lockdown, this won't be one of those threads which will be solved overnight. I may need to gather my thoughts before I try to sit down and discuss with him.

[category12]

I'd be asking if he sees you as a family unit or not? Are you sharing lives and a partnership or not? How can he sit back and see you struggle for money, while he's rolling in it, and it's due to mutual choice to have children together that you're financially disadvantaged?

[willsa]

I would never accept this.
It would be a deal beaker early on, so no one has even tried.
And I will never understand women who do.

I (and I would think you too) contribute plenty in relationships, not just money. Men seem to respect that.

I mean, you want something different in life, position yourself accordingly.
Pick up your self esteem from the bottom of your own shoe sole.

Actually makes my blood boil this stuff.

[Aerial2020]

I think you need to process all the answers and get a clear head.
This is not generous with money, you are the mother of his child, living together and you said you have zero income. How can he not be aware or care about that?
He's aware, it's just not his problem.
Know you're worth.