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Dp does not want this baby :(

(19 Posts)
littlelamb Mon 24-Sep-07 19:40:21

I feel so torn. Last week I found out I was pregnant and it was a real shock. I am on the pill, and my dd, 3.3 was also the result of a contraception failure. That pregnancy was very hard, my ex was insistent that I have an abortion, and my family didn't speak to me. I promised my self that if I ever got pregnant again I would be in a position to enjoy the pregnancy and be happy. But now I have found myself here again
I really don't know what to do. I have been with dp for 2.5 years, although we don't live together. I think he would make a great father, and is fantastic with my dd. I am feeling very hormonal,and cannot sleep at all, which is not helping with making a sensible decision about what to do. Admittedly this was not planned, but neither was dd and I cannot imagine my life without her. And the thought of her having a sibling is really lovely.
On the con side, I have a job I love, which I don't know I could manage to keep up with two children. Dp and I talked last night, and he said he didn't think it was really anoption to keep this baby. I asked him if he would leave if I went ahead with it, and he said he didn't know. I have a lot of guilt about dd not really having a great relationship with her dad, and I'm not sure I could deal with that again.
I just feel confused. I can't bear the thought of an abortion, but I am also scared of the prospect of having another baby and being left to cope on my own. It doen't help that I am already 'feeling' pregnant, so it feels very real to me.
I have an appointment to see the doctor on Thursday, but I don't know what I am going for. Partly, I want to go and get registered with a midwife and have that excitement. But I know I should explore my other options as well.
I'm sorry this is so rambling. I just really don't know what to make of it all, and I know that I have to make a decision sooner rather than later. Has anyone gone ahead with a pregnancy against thteir partners wishes? And how did it work out?
Any advice would be great

beautifuldays Mon 24-Sep-07 19:46:38

poor you you sound very scared and i can sympathise because when i got pregnant with my ds i was 20 at uni and was very scared.
however, i think you need to listen to what YOU want, in your heart, your msg gives the impression that you want this baby, and essentially it is your body and your baby, make sure you think any decision through very carefully, so you don't live to regret it.
can you talk this through with your mum or sister or good friend?


littlelamb Mon 24-Sep-07 19:52:30

beautifuldays, I had my dd when I was at university too I have spoken to my best friend about this, she has been calling me and making sure I am ok, but I am not close to my family at all. When I had dd, this friend was my main source of support, but now she has moved away. We are still close but it is not the same. I am warming to the idea of having a baby, but I am terrified that I might have to give up my job in order to cope. But part of me thinks that when I was pg with dd, it seemed very much doom and gloom, and I got quite depressed, but now I can see it was the right decision. My worry is making a decision either way and then regretting it.

beller Tue 25-Sep-07 09:47:15

Hi littlelamb,

I was in a smiliar position. Contrception failure, but had only ben with my boyfriend for 5 months, although we had known each other for longer. He didnt want the baby, and at the age of 37 (my first) I did. We talked alot, I went to a clinic to see a counsellor (with him), and knew I didnt want to have a termination. My x made it clear he didnt want the baby, but wouldnt say if he would stay with me either way. I made the decision to keep the baby, and he left. I have only seen him twice in the last 3 months and im now 27 weeks pregnant.
I am sure I have made the right decision, and im also sure we probably wouldnt have stayed togteher whether i kept the baby or not. You have to make the decision for you. Obviously your partner is importnat in the decision making, but what ever you decide, you have to be sure its what you want,and look at all the possibiltys that surround it.
Speak to your doctor, mine was fab,and referred me to the clinic, although i was pretty sure I couldnt go through with a termination, the counselling helped me decide for sure,and be clear on my reasons why.
Im under no dis-illusion that its going to be easy doing this on my own, but it will definately be worth it. What ever decision you come to littlelamb, make sure its one you are comfortable with.
I wish you all the best xxxxxxxxxxx

Acinonyx Tue 25-Sep-07 15:02:50

If you ever want to have another child there's not much point in staying with your dp is there? Do you really think your relationship would survive if you had an abortion? I am pro-choice - but with the emphasis on 'choice'. Sounds like you managed a very challenging pg the first time - I'm sure you could do it again if you chose, being older and more expereinced. But you must make an effort to connect with people who might be able to support you be that family or other single mums. Just my twopennyworth - since you're asking! Good luck! Jill

Peachy Tue 25-Sep-07 15:08:32

Hiya littlelamb, long time no post smile

FWIW I think beller puts it quite well.

Go with your heart- the only thing you can gurantee in any life is yourself, if you want this baby go for it and everyone will just have to sort themselves out. there are options around work- look up flexible working on ACAS- but don't let anyone bully you into anything you don't want. You're a V strong person and you can do this (by this, I mean amke the right decision for you).


fingerwoman Tue 25-Sep-07 15:11:41

littlelamb, when I fell pregnant with ds I was also on the pill and about to start uni. hadn't been with dp long and it was all a major shock.
He assumed we'd get rid of it, but I just couldn't.
We talked and talked and we came up with a thousand reasons why it'd be a bad idea to have a baby at that point in time. But not one of those reasons was good enough for me to get rid of a baby over. and that's what I said to him.
they were all very valid reasons- no money, nowhere to live together, uni place etc etc. But it wasn't worth me having a termination.
Anyway, we went ahead with the pregnancy and despite his reservations DP adores ds. he is fantastic with him and we're now expecting number 2 ([planned this time!)

remember it's a huge shock for him as well and he probably feels really out of control because at the end of the day it's really YOUR decision if you keep the baby or not. So, give him some time. Talk to him. See if you can assuage his worries about having a baby.

hope it all works out ok for you

beller Wed 26-Sep-07 08:37:44

How are you littlelamb?

littlelamb Wed 26-Sep-07 18:41:59

Not too bad but absolutely exhausted. DP came around last night so we could talk things through, but I was fast asleep by eight thirty. I am surprised by just how tired I am. As a result of that, I am no closer to knowing his feelings. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning, and I really want to know how far along I am, although I don't know if they will be able to tell me. I have spoken to several more friends about it, and on ein particular made a lot of sense. She is expecting her second child, and she said that I have to think beyond my situation in 9 months time and think several years ahead. Thinkng this way made me realise that maybe having another baby wouldn't be the huge disaster I am afraid it would be. In that time, dd will be at school and I would hopefully be back to work.
One of the things that has taken me by surprise though is the feeling that i don't want to jeopardise my relationship with dd. I feel a very special bond with her, and I don't know I will feel that with another baby. I suppose I am just a bit afraid of the unknown and upsetting the status quo. Is that normal? It makes me feel really selfish

Peachy Wed 26-Sep-07 19:22:31

LL that feeling is quite normal even with the most planned of rpegnancies- this one (4th!) took ages to conceive, and yet I still worry about the effect on ds3.

chipmonkey Wed 26-Sep-07 19:27:18

Having a sibling does impact on children, but mostly in a positive way. Ds1 was madly jealous when ds2 was born but they are best mates now. Don't know about our ds3 either Peachy! He loves his key position as baby of the family!

lemonaid Wed 26-Sep-07 19:32:21

It's completely normal to worry about jeopardising your relationship with your DC1 and about whether you'll have the same bond with DC2. I feel the same way about DS and this pregnancy, but enough people with more than one have told me that you just do, even though you don't see how in advance, that I'm (mostly) confident it will all work out.

beller Thu 27-Sep-07 10:03:28

Like the others have said littlelamb, i think those feelings are entirely natural.Did you manage to talk to DP at all? Being tired in early pregnancy is evil isnt it! I think you have to make the decision for yourself and dc, and then your dp will make his decision. At least this way you will be able to live with your decision whatever way it might go, and not hold blame with anyone else.
If the doc cant tell you how far gone you are, she may be able to send you for a dating scan, or even refer you to a clinic for a dating scan and counselling which is what i did, but the decision is up to you. I went trhough this hun and im now 27 weeks pregnant...single, but wouldnt change it for the world, and I know it was my decision xx
Thinking of you x

littlelamb Fri 28-Sep-07 13:27:02

Well I went to the doctor yesterday and he said he will refer me for a dating scan so hopefully that will be some time next week. I am still very undecided though. I met a friend yesterday whose second is just ten weeks old, and she is exhausted. I don't know if I can do the baby phase again. But I know I am just looking at the negative side of things. I am hoping that by the end of the weekend we will be able to come to a mutual decision between us, but to be honest, it could still go either way. I wish I could just come to a dceision

chipmonkey Fri 28-Sep-07 20:30:18

but littlelamb, although she's exhausted, I'm sure she wouldn't be without her LO!smile Let us know how you get on.

ginnedupmummy Fri 28-Sep-07 21:31:47

Message withdrawn

splishsplosh Fri 28-Sep-07 21:38:39

You have to do what is right for YOU. What if you decide on a termination because of the way your dp feels, and then you split up anyway in the future?

I think the worries you are having are so normal - how will it affect your lo, how can you go back to those exhausting days of a little baby just when things are getting easier? How will it affect your job etc etc. But I guess you have to think about what you want in the long run.

paddlinglikemad Fri 28-Sep-07 21:45:04

it sounds to me that you want this baby but are worried about how you will cope..I would say go with your heart and you will find a way, having a termination when you are not 100% sure will end the relationship anyway so.....

frumpygrumpy Fri 28-Sep-07 21:51:55

littlelamb I remember you posting a long time ago.....

you must keep in your mind that there is no right answer.

don't look too deeply, there is nothing to be gained by that.

you must ask yourself if you can do this alone, 24/7. thats all.

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