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Red flags and got the ick - how to LTB nicely?

(168 Posts)
Ruralbliss Thu 18-Jun-20 12:44:55

Ok we met in early Feb and have been having maximum intense delicious time since then but now he's between postings he has come to stay for two weeks and 6 days in I'm seeing red flags and have caught a serious case of the ick.

Do I (a) wait until he goes off then do via phone? And if so how? What words? I'm not good at delivering a character assassination. Or (b) make it super awkward and ask him to get gone in front of my kids and be witness to the hurt and upset.

Any clues as to how to handle respectfully and gracefully gratefully received. I don't want to string him along nor be a bitch either....

OP’s posts: |
TooTiredTodayOk Thu 18-Jun-20 12:48:30

How old are your kids? Can you tell him you need to talk and ask the kids to go out for an hour?

What you shouldn't do is have him stay for another 8 days, presumably having sex that you don't really want, just to avoid him possibly making a scene.

ohoneohtwo Thu 18-Jun-20 12:49:00

This isn't working out. Simple. You don't have to expel on yourself and if you want him fine now then tell him now.

AdaColeman Thu 18-Jun-20 13:00:44

You don't have to apportion blame, so no need to mention "the ick", just politely say that it's not working for you.
No need for a scene, no need for character assassination. You barely know each other so how "hurt & upset" can he be? For him, this could merely have been a convenient place to stay while on leave, in which case he will be fine.
Keep calm!

growinggreyer Thu 18-Jun-20 13:06:59

Is he staying with you? Can you say that you need time with just the kids to get back to normal routine and then deliver the news when he is home? Or maybe you need to do a deep clean etc.

ThickFast Thu 18-Jun-20 13:13:27

Just tell him after they’re in bed one day.

Ruralbliss Thu 18-Jun-20 14:21:13

Kids are mid to late teens. They go to bed after us. We've got big plans for this weekend (kids at their dad's house until Sunday). His car is broken and due to go into garage next Thursday here... It's a darn shame as we've done the whole 'You're amazing...Never felt like this before...This sex is off the scale...I love you' etc etc. Ooops.

OP’s posts: |
AdaColeman Thu 18-Jun-20 14:46:16

They go to bed after us
Tell him first thing in the morning, no teenager will be up then!

Ruralbliss Thu 18-Jun-20 15:00:43

This is what I need advice on. What wording to use if he's here and I have to make eye contact - truth? It's not you it's me? I can't see a future with you? Arrrrgh.

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Thu 18-Jun-20 15:06:47

'Sorry but this isn't working out, nothing personal, im just not into it. Please pack your stuff and leave'.

category12 Thu 18-Jun-20 15:13:16

You don't need to deliver a character assassination or be nasty.

You just have to say something like "I've been thinking, I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me anymore. I'll help you grab your things."

category12 Thu 18-Jun-20 15:14:28

I mean, it's gonna be awkward and upsetting, but that's the nature of breakups. You just gotta push through.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 18-Jun-20 15:18:59

Is it a while since you have lived with someone?
That could be your get out.
'Look, I've been on my own with the DC for XX years and I now realise that is how I like it and how I want it to remain. Having someone else in my 'space' is not working for me at all.'

Crystalspider Thu 18-Jun-20 15:55:32

Just tell him in private, it's not working out and I can't see a future, it would be more awkward to fake a nice weekend?
Offer to drop him home or at the station?

AdaColeman Thu 18-Jun-20 15:57:47

No need to apologise, you don't owe him anything, just be polite but firm. If you feel you have to explain use something like hellsbells speech.
Are you usually keen to please others rather than do what's best for yourself?

pilates Thu 18-Jun-20 16:06:18

You need to tell him asap don’t string him along any further.

Lightsabre Thu 18-Jun-20 16:28:20

Why is he living with you and your children if you only met in February or have I missed something?

pinktaxi Thu 18-Jun-20 17:35:55

Just goes to show that you don't rush into relationships that involve your kids home.

Personally id do it over the phone before he arrives. ...I think I've rushed into this, I'm having second thoughts about a long term relationship, I have issues I need to sort out for myself, cant do that while your on the scene, or need my own space, I need a break from relationships, sorry you can't come and stay here, sorry we're done.

NoMoreDickheads Thu 18-Jun-20 17:42:09

Nice is so last century and anyway he doesn't deserve it. Just block on everything including phone, or msg concisely telling him what you think of him and block before he can reply and have a go at you.

NoMoreDickheads Thu 18-Jun-20 17:44:07

Take his stuff round to his or leave it outside yours.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 18-Jun-20 17:54:19

"we met in early Feb"
So this is a relationship of only four month's standing? And now the infatuation has evaporated?

I don't think it's possible to do (a). You simply won't be able to hide your ick, especially since it will increase exponentially. Unless he's completely insensitive, he will sense your growing distaste.

So best to go with (b). hellsbellsmelons suggested wording looks good.
'Look, I've been on my own with the DC for XX years and I now realise that is how I like it and how I want it to remain. Having someone else in my 'space' is not working for me at all.' And deliver it first thing in the morning, before your teens are up.

LemonsLive Thu 18-Jun-20 18:03:46

Honest, letting him live with you after 16 weeks is a red flag all by itself. Your red flag?! grin Please take it easy next time ... and please don't introduce your kids to him so early. Agree with others you don't have to be nasty, just say, you've enjoyed your time together but don't really think there's a future in it, or words to that effect?

HollowTalk Thu 18-Jun-20 18:07:29

I wouldn't let him stay another week. I assume he's got somewhere to go back to?

I would ask your kids to go out for an hour and then I'd tell him you've moved too fast and you'd like him to go back to his place. I would probably play it that you could see how it goes then, for safety's sake, and deal with dumping him when he's not physically there.

You know you moved far too fast with this guy, don't you?

backseatcookers Thu 18-Jun-20 18:25:01

Not a huge surprise surely considering you moved him in with you and your kids so, so soon?!

ThickFast Thu 18-Jun-20 18:50:50

I’d just say you feel it’s all moved a bit fast. You’ve realised you’re not in a position where you want a long term relationship. And so he needs to move back to his.

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