My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need advice as feel lost

48 replies

Casper22 · 18/06/2020 12:32

Hi

I been with this man for 4 year, lived together for 2. Last 2 years been hell since we moved in together.He didnt treat me and my youngest ( girl 11. Boy 18) very well. He liked my boy...problerly cos of his age and didnt need me that much if that makes sense...friends family have called it emotional abuse..I didnt know at the time...moods swings. Yelling. Accusing me of stuff . Making me sleep on sofa or spare room if I upset him..telling me off for not puffing the cushions or washing up or cleaning his cooker! Telling me I not disciplining me children correctly . Comparing my parenting to his sisters . Comparing my kids to his niece and nephew...my kids dont live up to there standards or to the family way...he started disciplining my youngest about a year ago...didnt like the way she ate her dinner . Sat and ate her dinner. Way she washed up. Wasnt allowed to.play in the garden out front only. No snacks . Wasnt allowed to spend long in her bedroom. Wasnt allowed to watch what she wanted on main TV.. had to walk down the stairs slowly...etc etc etc
He has trashed the property twice in space of 3 months..becouse he wasnt being listened too.or he didnt like my attitude..it was my attitude that made him do it..pulling food out of fridge throwing it across the room. Emptying cupboards well you can imagine the rest..alot went on. Then may this year he had a melt down over something or other not sure what but he was having a bad day...took it out on us...started same pattern shouting . Calling us names...making point it was his house . Threw food everywhere use your imagination anyway he threw us out literally..middle of lockdown.
Since then he had contacted us saying he was sorry couldnt cope with my daughter...she can be hard work as on spectrum for adhd. But he try better..he wants to move house to another council place so we can start again. He loves me. Misses me. I am his best friend etc etc he said he started counselling...then other day he sent me horrible texts saying I got new bloke I was sleeping about..then calling me names left me in tears..then later in the night text me saying sorry he was having a bad day cos of counselling.. he wants me home. Kept giving me time to be home by ie; 5pm..if not then dont bother..next text saying sorry he is stressed as misses me..
Yeserday had voice mail saying can I meet him today at the house. He wants to give us another go. He is sorry loves me. I am his soul mate best friend...he realises how much he had hurt me and wont do it again. He try harder with my daughter. Then he started crying how sorry he was...

Why do I feel guilty! My head is spinning

OP posts:
Report
SnowdropFox · 18/06/2020 12:39

He is awful please do no engage with him. Dont feel guilty. Read over what you posted and ask yourself would you be happy if your son or daughter was in a relationship like this

Report
Casper22 · 18/06/2020 12:44

So far this morning I got 15 messages and voice messages am.i meeting him today ..why do I feel scared and guilty and feeling bad becouse I dont want to go but i feel i should go....why did it treat us like that. Why wasnt i good enough..i just wanted a nice happy loving family..i wanted someone to.love me for me

OP posts:
Report
ohoneohtwo · 18/06/2020 12:50

Don't meet him. Read the OP, pretend it was someone else writing it, what would you say?

Report
SnowdropFox · 18/06/2020 12:50

He will never love you and your family the way you want. What you have described is abusive. Pure and simple.
I hate to sound harsh but from what I am reading that is the facts.
Please dont be hoovered back in by him, things will only at best go back to the way they were or at worst he'll get more abusive knowing you will go back to him even when things are awful.

You are much better than him, please be strong.

Report
Tiny2018 · 18/06/2020 13:00

He is trying to hoover you back in.
Do not spend any more time with this man. Someone who treats you like this does not love you.

Report
frozendaisy · 18/06/2020 13:10

You most certainly do not have to go. If you are scared of him, understandable, just keep reminding yourself he threw you out, which is possibly the best thing he could have done for your sake. Honestly whilst it might be crazy difficult right now, don't look back. Don't go to the house.

Report
JustC · 18/06/2020 13:26

So sorry you went through this OP. You are out though. Stay out. Seriously he sounds mental. Put you children and yourself first. Yes, childen, because your older one will come to think this is acceptable behaviour if you ho back. Not to even mention what he is doing to your little girl. I can only imagine it's hard, it's the feelings and years and patience you invested that you regret most. It's not love, you don't sound inlove, you sound afraid.

Report
Casper22 · 18/06/2020 14:03

Trouble is I fell in love with him very fast..I couldn't believe my luck..he wanted me and my children...I loved him very much....I dont understand why he kept hurting me

OP posts:
Report
GhostOfMe · 18/06/2020 14:04

You don't have kids together so you can block him on everything. I understand the guilt, but it's him not you. You can't understand his behaviour because your mind doesn't work that way, you think you must have done something to deserve it otherwise why would he act that way. Because you'd never do what he did you try to find a rational answer, but there isn't one. He's abusive. Think of your daughter, she might be hard work, but no child deserves to be treated that way, there's no excuse that can justify that behaviour and if he was a decent man who couldn't cope he would have been appalled by his own behaviour and sort support/help to deal with it better. Abuse is never justified.

Report
JustC · 18/06/2020 14:08

You fell in love with a mask he put on to reel you in. He manipulated you by saying/doing what you wanted to hear/see untill he had you, and then let the mask can come off.

Report
TwentyViginti · 18/06/2020 14:09

Just think what your daughter went through with this man, let alone you. Don't even think about meeting him. He is dangerously unhinged and will cause immense harm. He threw you all out. Stay thrown out.

Report
MashedSpud · 18/06/2020 14:20

I wouldn’t feel guilty for that abusive twat. I’d feel guilty my daughter had been through two years of hell.

Stay away from him.

Report
Cat112344 · 18/06/2020 14:26

First of all, everything you has described is extremely abusive. If you think the only reason he’s ok with your son is because he’s old enough to not need much of his mum then why are you with him? What if your child was younger and needed attention would he then be horrible to him?

Reading this it is clear he’s abusing you, please cut all ties before he crosses even more lines.

Report
Cat112344 · 18/06/2020 14:27

You daughter sorry! Imagine if a man treated her this way?

Report
Nobodysdiary · 18/06/2020 14:30

I don’t think you and your daughter especially would be safe if you went back. He is very volatile and aggressive. Don’t trust him, whatever he says.

Report
Greenkit · 18/06/2020 14:34

Please please please please don't go back to him.

Save you and your children from this constant abuse.

Where are you staying at the moment, have you got all your stuff.

Report to the police and block him number

Report
WhoUsedMyName · 18/06/2020 14:35

He is putting all his blame on YOUR daughter if she's hard work or not he is a full grown man, a full grown bully and if you go back to him you shouldn't have your own children. Sorry it's harsh but I'm being blunt call the police and get an injunction because he may throw his toys out the pram now but one day he may kill you it happens

Report
Casper22 · 18/06/2020 16:08

It's gone past 4pm that's the time he wanted me to meet him at the house...I have 15 voice mails...there not nice saying I got new bloke calling me names saying he wasted 4 years of his life with me and my brats.horrible texts made me very upset can't stop crying ..the names he is calling me....then last one begging me to come home he loves me I am his best friend sole mate.. etc etc and as I am speaking to you I keep getting voice mails I have blocked him...keep getting voice messages

This is so upsetting..I dont deserve any of this what have i done

God

OP posts:
Report
Greenkit · 18/06/2020 16:17

Please go to the police

This is harassment, then block him and move on

Report
BurtsBeesKnees · 18/06/2020 16:17

Well done for not meeting him. Now block his number and don't engage with him at all

Report
Dery · 18/06/2020 16:23

@Casper22 - you have done nothing wrong. This man is an abuser. Abusers have certain traits which they all share. One is a massive sense of entitlement - they have to everything as they want it, when they want it and screw everyone else. Another is that everything is always someone else's fault. No matter how badly the abuser behaves - it's someone else's fault. He doesn't give a damn about your feelings or your daughter's (he sounds scarily controlling of her) - but he does care about his own. Now that you've decided you've had enough, and he's realised that it was rather convenient having you around (for sex and home comforts), he's going to try and lure you in with talking of loving you and being unable to live without you etc. It's all incredibly poisonous and dysfunctional. Normal, healthy men do NOT behave that way.

You cannot understand it because you are a decent, kind and loving person. In fact, that is one of the key reasons why he chose you - because he recognised someone who would treat him kindly, put him first and generally do their best for him.

You might find it helpful to read "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser".

Where are you now and what support do you have in real life? You need to keep yourself and your family away from him. It will be hard at first but it will be worth it. You don't want your daughter growing up thinking that this is how relationships work - otherwise she risks replicating the same thing for herself.

Keep posting here for support and get real life support if you can.

Report
VetOnCall · 18/06/2020 16:23

Stop listening to the voicemails - do these still come through if someone is blocked? Just delete them without listening, you owe this abusive arsehole nothing. Look into changing your number if you have to. He is mentally unstable by the sound of it, and you shouldn't even be contemplating giving the time of day to anyone who treated your child so terribly. Your daughter is probably already damaged from having been forced to live with him and if you go back to him it will be even more harmful for her. She is the innocent victim in all this, not him, and you need to woman up again now and put her first.

Report
JustC · 18/06/2020 16:27

Well done OP. Be proud of standing your ground and seeing hin for the bully he is. He does not sound upset for losing a soul mate, he sounds ticked he lost the one he primed to take all his agressive behaviour. Pls stay strong. Hugs

Report
pintoffginplz · 18/06/2020 16:32

For christ sake op, get a grip, find some dignaty, this not about you! What impression are you given ur kids in all this. Your poor daughter, has a mother who is an absolute sap for putting up with this shit. Block him and move on and concentrate on your kids, posts like this give me rage. Get a bloddy grip this man is toxic. Be a mother!

Report
krankykittykat · 18/06/2020 16:40

You're allowing someone to treat your child terribly.
As a mother you have a duty to protect your child and whilst you allow him in your life, you're failing in that duty.
Put your child first.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.