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Need to see my children!

(24 Posts)
Turbotastic Thu 18-Jun-20 11:58:54

Posting here rather than in AIBU as I know the responses in there can be a bit harsh and knee jerk, I'm feeling quite fragile as it is so I don't think I could cope with that virtual kicking.

For various complicated reasons, my children are not living with me at the moment and are with my parents at the other end of the country. It was not my choice to be so far away from them but circumstances have meant I haven't been able to move closer yet but we have a very close relationship and I visit regularly.

Until Covid.

Fortunately I got to see them just before lockdown happened but obviously have not been able to see them since. We have talked regularly but it's just not the same and I am becoming increasingly depressed at being separated from them. I'm crying all the time and having nightmares again, like a did a few years ago when I was deep in the grip of bad depression and PTSD.

I know the currently advice is no overnight stays or non essential travel but the only way I could see them would be to travel approx. 5hrs on a train and so would therefore have to stay overnight at least. To me, travelling to see my children is extremely essential. My birthday is coming up soon and honestly the only thing I want is to see them, I couldn't care less if I got nothing from anyone if I could only get that.

Wibu to travel to see them? It is further complicated by the fact that both my DS and my DF are in vulnerable groups (disabled and over 70) although they are both in very good health generally and my DM went back to work some time ago. I don't want to be selfish but I also can't cope with the idea of many more months passing without seeing them. They were planning to come to see me over the summer when accommodation places start re opening but so many places are either eye wateringly expensive or fully booked so that may now not be happening.

OP’s posts: |
PirateWeasel Thu 18-Jun-20 12:03:04

Are you living alone at the moment? Can you take advantage of the 'bubble' scheme and go and stay with them for a few days, or is that not an option? It must be hard being so far away 🙁

CanIGetARefund Thu 18-Jun-20 12:08:57

I thought the new rules were that two households under certain circumstances could form a support bubble? Surely your children are missing you too and would benefit from a bubble arrangement? To protect the vulnerable members of the other household you would need to self isolate for two weeks before joining them.

NoMoreDickheads Thu 18-Jun-20 12:09:17

I don't think seeing your children would be classed as wrong. Separated couples have both been allowed to see their kids.

You could also say it's necessary for your mental health so they would be providing necessary care for a vulnerable person (which is true.)

Start planning that trip. smile

Turbotastic Thu 18-Jun-20 12:20:27

I am living alone. I have a bf and a few friends but I've only seen one of them twice since lockdown started so I am quite isolated here. I have no family here.

My parents would be happy for me to stay as long as I like, I'm currently furloughed with no idea as to when I'll return to work so I could be there for a few weeks even.

Unfortunately they don't have a very big house and DS' disability means self isolation would be completely impossible.

OP’s posts: |
Turbotastic Thu 18-Jun-20 12:30:52

Sorry, I misread that, I pretty much am isolating at the moment albeit unintentionally. I only go out to get food or see bf - I could stop seeing him but would still need to go out for shopping as there is no one who could shop for me and I have no chance of getting a delivery slot.

OP’s posts: |
FedUpAtHomeTroels Thu 18-Jun-20 12:31:31

Go and see them, stay for a while, not just overnight.
This bubble thing with one overnight sounds ridiculous

fairydustandpixies Thu 18-Jun-20 12:34:55

I'm the same. I've not seen my children since November. However, with the new 'bubble' laws, I'm going to travel two hours to stay with my parents in August and have my two sons (19 and 21) visit in their garden. I can't wait! Can you not do the same??

I don't have a BF and work from home and live on my own, have gone out a handful of times since lockdown. I think you should go, OP.

DollyPomPoms Thu 18-Jun-20 12:35:02

I get that you need to see your children but...you are planning on a five hour trip on public transport to visit two vulnerable people? I wouldn’t do it. I classed as vulnerable and I don’t want anyone coming here, it’s not worth the risk. You need to look at the bigger picture.

fairydustandpixies Thu 18-Jun-20 12:41:49

Sorry, just read the travelling 5hrs on a train part. That would put me off going at the moment.

Turbotastic Thu 18-Jun-20 12:46:13

Not staying overnight is not an option. Not only would the children expect it as that's what I do every time I go there, but the times the trains run means even if I got the very first train there and last train back I would get virtually no time there before I'd have to leave again. It would be ridiculous and probably upset them more than me not going at all.

Not to mention that it's just not doable financially. I hate to bring up money when it comes to seeing my children but as I'm furloughed my income is extremely low at the moment as it is, the only way to make it even remotely affordable is to book in advance and go at the less popular times, making the ticket cheaper. Even then it's still expensive at about 10% of my current pay but I'm willing to live on beans for the month if it means I can see them. A full price ticket however pushes it into the realms of unaffordable as the extra would basically wipe out any food money for me.

My DC live with my parents and I will be staying with them if I go. There is no one else I can stay with and I know 100% that social distancing will not happen as DS' disability means that just won't happen. The very first thing he will do when I get through the door is hug me. He just doesn't understand. He is not physically vulnerable in any way, in fact he is very robust and is very rarely sick at all, it's just he cannot understand risk. Df honestly doesn't care even though he is technically in the risk group as he is 70+. Again he is very healthy and has no underlying conditions, my DM is back at work and DF has not been shielding. They would both be happy for me to come.

OP’s posts: |
DollyPomPoms Thu 18-Jun-20 13:19:10

But you need to ask yourself, is the risk of going on public transport for five hours and possible contracting the virus or being a carrier yourself already and then passing it on to not only your parents (the caregivers for your children) but your children. Does your need to see them right now trump that risk? Who would look after your children if your parents got ill? I just think health trumps your need right now. If you lived down the road and seen them socially distancing in the garden that would be different.

arboretum89 Thu 18-Jun-20 13:24:51

Everyone has their own thoughts on these things and their own lines.

My thoughts are - absolutely do it. Mental health is a key factor of covid 19 - you need to look after that as well.

For me - so long as your exercise due care and caution, face masks when travelling etc - I would.

Legally you are allowed as it's a bubble. 'Essential travel' means different things to different people.

For me it would be a no-brainer. Take precautions, but do it (it was good enough for Dominic Cummings 🙄 and that's when it wasn't legal!)

baileys6904 Thu 18-Jun-20 13:45:54

Mask up on public transport, quarentine even from bf before you go and then stay with them a while. Enjoy the family 'holiday'

needhandhold Thu 18-Jun-20 13:51:56

Wear a mask. Sit away from people. Wear gloves. Take your own food/drink for the journey. Stay isolated on the train. Don’t touch anything you absolutely don’t need to. Pre order your tickets. Sit next to a window with it open if you can. Carry anti bac wipes and wipe anything and everything before you sit or touch. Make sure you use the loo before you travel so you possibly don’t need to use it on the train. You’ll be fine. You take extra extra precautions. Your house and their house are a bubble so you are fine to go there. Is there no way you could hire a car? If you are furloughed then move in with them until this is all over? Find a job near your parents? Go work in a supermarket near them? Can’t you stay with them and your kids permanently?

Tooshytoshine Thu 18-Jun-20 15:37:16

It's a tough choice but on balance you're lifestyle sounds low risk and you have had minimal contact with others. I could understand people's reservations if you were a Frontline worker and therefore presented a higher risk.

Go on the train, wash your hands frequently, wear a mask and try not to eat or drink anything you haven't prepared yourself. When you get to your parents get changed and immediately wash your travelling clothes or isolate them in a separate tied carrier bag. It sounds petty but small things really do make big differences.

Mental health is a key factor in lockdown and the ongoing crisis. We can't rule out a second wave, so now is the time to see your kids.

I'm sorry your are in this hard position.

Tooshytoshine Thu 18-Jun-20 15:37:34

*your

CodenameVillanelle Thu 18-Jun-20 15:43:09

Just do it. The risk is not high and if your parents are willing then go

Justcallmebebes Thu 18-Jun-20 15:47:40

Just go. If children have always been allowed to travel between two parents I can't see how seeing your kids is any way against the rules. Plus bubbles etc, you're well covered. Wear a mask on the train and go and enjoy your kids

SoloMummy Thu 18-Jun-20 16:55:06

Do you not drive? Tbh if you do I'd borrow or hire a car if you don't have one.
Given parents have always been allowed to travel to see their children I'm not understanding why you haven't before or didn't relocate to your parents house when furloughed. Unless of course the bf was the short term priority for some reason?

Stuckforthefourthtime Thu 18-Jun-20 17:26:20

Seeing children was always allowed, and has been for months. I understand that it's best for everyone if you can visit, but you need to do it in a way that protects the vulnerable people currently caring for your children. It might not be for your birthday, but frankly this isn't about you - although your op mentions only your feelings and literally nothing about how your children or parents have been coping.

5 hours on a train is a long time, a mask will not protect you (they are worn to help others), and is a big risk. Can you drive? Or take the train and isolate? You've waited a long time already, and they've worked hard too, surely a little longer to protect everyone is worth it.

LouHotel Thu 18-Jun-20 17:36:39

If the reason they live with your parents is for there wellbeing then I think you need to think whether a short term trip to see them is in there best interests or just yours and would seeing them cause more upset.

To me that's primary to the risks of covid.

Turbotastic Fri 19-Jun-20 09:22:54

I think in terms of risk it's pretty low from my end. I live in a part of the country that had had an extremely low number of cases and as mentioned my lifestyle has brought me into contact with no more than 2 people since March, and those people have also been furloughed and staying at home too.

Unfortunately I don't drive or that would have been the best option, I normally get the train to see them which is why I'm so familiar with the journey. The train is usually quiet until you get to the last few stops although probably even more so at this time. I always take my own food & drink anyway as train food is a) expensive and b) usually horrible!

When we heard about lockdown I was literally travelling back from seeing them the last time so there was no opportunity for me to stay with them. I also wasn't aware that my work was closing and I was going to be furloughed until the day it was announced, I had booked time off to see them and was due back at work the next day when we got the news.

I don't think it would have been fair on my parents to relocate there tbh, they don't have a guest room so I normally sleep in the living room when I visit but as you can imagine this is quiet disruptive to their space and routines. It's fine for short periods but months at a time would have been too much. They have support from professional agencies and my siblings and the children are fine and happy but they miss me, my visits are usually short but we usually have at least 2 holidays a year together, plus Christmas, birthdays and all the other 'big' occasions. I know a visit would be beneficial to us all, as it always is.

I was prepared to wait until the summer when they were planning to drive to where I am, but with the lack of accommodation meaning that may not happen I just have no idea how much longer it might be.

OP’s posts: |
category12 Fri 19-Jun-20 12:04:30

Do they have a big garden you could put up a tent in? Then you could extend a stay a bit more.

I think I'd probably take the risk if they're willing.

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