I just need to collect my thoughts in one place.
My relationship history is dire. I was constantly told growing up that I was unloveable and I completely accepted it.
In one sense, it freed me up from a lot of the "does he love me?" type worries because I had no expectation of it and every relationship I've had has been exclusive but 'casual' (from my side - I've never really discussed it with anyone I've been seeing). I've never had an expectation of being loved and I never have been.
But I want that to change now.
I married my best friend and we stayed together for 12 years (absolutely dire, no love or attraction - was a mistake from start to finish). That ended several years ago and I have two (teen and rwenties) children, as a result, who are delightful - well rounded, secure and self confident. But I know now that they also want me to be in a proper relationship - to be loved.
I started seeing someone around 7 months ago. My children have met him twice. He and I are each other's 'support bubble' now and he came round for dinner last week to celebrate something. My children were utterly charming - they engaged him in conversation, baked a cake and generally made him feel very at ease. He said he'd enjoyed the evening very much and really enjoyed their company. They like him.
I know from a conversation with my youngest afterwards that she didn't want the fact I had children to put him off and she had wanted to 'sell' us as a package. Which I thought was really sweet and it came out from the conversation that they just really want me to be loved and I realised, for the first time, that it hurt them that I'm not and haven't been.
They see their dad building a life with his partner and they enjoy a complete family experience with them and it was obvious from the way they interacted with this man that they really want this experience with, and for, me.
I really like this man I'm seeing. I could fall in love with him but I wouldn't unless I knew it was safe to do so - it's just not something that I do. I just don't imagine that anyone would ever see me as a long term prospect.
I don't know what I'm asking really. Just for people's thoughts. Thanks.
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My children want me to be loved 😕
18 replies
BooksAndBooksAndBooks · 18/06/2020 07:19
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