Friends....

[worryguts]

Have changed nickname as feel a bit daft posting this but just wanted your views!

Is there anyone else who doesn't have any real close friends?

I mean I have lots of friends (well maybe 5 or 6) who I can phone up and visit with the kids or text or have a moan to, but no one really close for gossip or girly nights out.

When I have nights out it's always with DH or DH and other couples.

I had two really close friends but one moved away and one had a baby and doesn't go out anymore.

I'm not lonely, I have a lovely DH and two DS's and my lovely mum and sister to talk to if I need to but everyone I know seems to have a special friend who practically lives at their house, who is like family and who they can rely on.

All my friends now are my kids friends mums, who are great, but we're not exceptionally 'close' (although I can always have a moan to them, ask them to have the kids in emergencies etc).

Anyone else feel like this? Is it normal as you get older?

I really don't mean to moan, I know I am very lucky, I just feel that something is 'missing'.

[worryguts]

sorry one more thing....

anyone ever feel like if they didn't make an effort then their friends wouldn't bother with them? I feel like this about most of my friends. When I get in touch they are only too happy to meet up but even if I leave it a long time they don't seem to bother with me.

Maybe I'm having a paranoid day?

[Sunshine78]

I could have written what you wrote so you are not alone. I would love that special friend that seems to live with you. Not sure how you get one though - every time I think I've found them they either move or we grow apart (mainly due to me having babies and them not) Perhaps as we get older still we will become closer to one of our kids friends mums, we can only hope and keep looking for that special someone!!

[LadyMacbeth]

I think it just happens as you get older. I have a handful of fabbo friends who I know are there for me and who I can call on but I also feel that as I've got older I have become more immersed in my family and there are certain things I may not wish to speak to them about. If I'm upset I won't necessarily call them for a 'girly chat' anymore. I'll speak to my dh instead.

I certainly wouldn't want a 'special friend' who is always round at my house as the very idea makes me feel claustrophobic!

I think it sounds as if you have some really good friends and are in a pretty good osition tbh. You may just be experiencing a bit of a 'void' now that your two closest friends have drifted away. You may well find that you find a new friendship comes along or an existing friendship deepens in time. But I really would try not to value yourself by how many friends you have compared to others.

[karabiner]

oh i feel a lot like that - feel especially now DS just started school and it feels hard getting to know a new group of people at the school.

[worryguts]

Yeah thanks sunshine, I think I am dwelling on things a bit too much today.

Youngest has started pre-school and feel a bit 'lost!'.

[LadyMacbeth]

And re making an effort etc... people are prob just busy and may not get round to calling you. Some people can just be crap sometimes. I'm sure it's not a reflection on you.

[PatsyCline]

Hi,

I don't have anyone who practically lives at my house, but I do have friends I can really talk to. Some of them are old friends and some are relatively new.

Could you ask one of your favourite 'kid' friends if they'd like to go out one evening? It's amazing how enjoyable conversations can be when you have time to talk properly, and a deeper friendship might get the chance to develop.

Also, why not try to see your 'no longer going out' friend at her place and reestablish that friendship? Being lavished with attention might give her the urge to start going out with you once more!

If all else fails, I'd suggest doing something in the evening which is totally unconnected with your kids, but involves an activity that you loved before you became a mum. You might meet some great women.

Patsy x

[Sunshinemummy]

Me too. My best friend from school and I grew apart after she had children (her oldest is now 10 and my DS is 18m) and of my other two close close friends, one moved to Bermuda and the other stopped getting in touch when I had DS, which has gotten worse since she started seeing her current chap. My closest friend these days is one I met through NCT and, although we get on really well and have a laugh (and she is moving across London to live near us) we do tend to do more things with the children than by ourselves, although that's probably because we both have partners that work in the evenings a lot.

Mostly I socialise as a couple, although DP does still have a lot of very good mates he sees alone.

[worryguts]

Thanks lady - I never seem to call my mates anymore, DS's always seem to want me as soon as I pick up the phone and I don't like calling late incase I wake their kids up!

I usually just do a quick text to arrange a meet up, or try and grab them at the school gated (then I get paranoid if they've already carried on ahead and not waited for me!!!).



Kara - my youngest has just started pre-school. All the other mums seem to know each other so I find myself just standing their grinning at them like an idiot, or scanning around for a mum I recognise from my older son's year!

[NAB3]

I have 2 friends. One I have known since I was 14 but don't always feel right ringing her as I am useless at talking to her children if they answer.
My other friend I have for 2 years and she knows me better than most people and is always there to listen.
There are some mums I talk to at school but they aren't friends in the phone up and chat about nothing sense.
My DH is my best friend and that is it. I have no family at all and relations with the ILs are hit and miss. Mainly as I have had PND for years and they don't understand me/it.

[worryguts]

Thanks Patsy. All my friends are real 'mumsy mums', they are older than me (I am in my 30's mind), and don't want to talk about anything other than the kids and never go out.

I have started a college course just one hour a week while they're at school so that might help!

I have been round to my old friends house since she had the baby, I always thought I was her closest friend as she confided things in me she didn't to anyone else, but now she has chosen someone else as her bridesmaid and child's godmother so I feel a bit put-out but I haven't shown it at all.

[worryguts]

Thanks NAB, I had PND quite bad too but I never told anyone and really suffered alone (ie, getting up at 4 pm just in time to look presentable for when DH got home and then pretend I'd done all kind of exciting things!).

That ended 5 years ago when I had to start getting out to take DS1 to school but I think I still lack a lot of confidence and self-esteem.

For instance, I always visit friends but panic if they want to visit me cos I worry that they'll think my house is a mess (it's not) or I'll bore them or be a cr*p hostess.

[jellybelly25]

Yes agree. I posted about a similar thing earlier on and nobody has replied

People seem to cancel on me a lot which also gets to me, dp thinks people generally cancel a lot but I definitely feel like it happens to me at least 50% of the time I make arrangements...

Standing int he playground is HORRIBLE unless you are one of the coffee morning/previous playgroup/that type of thing mums, I got fed up with it and asked a few people if theya lso felt really self conscious and they ALL agreed so now we stand together. It was a bit embarrassing asking htem at first though I felt like a stupid schoolgirl going 'do you want to be my friend...' but a load of them came up to me and said they were really glad i'd said it so i felt like i had donea good deed

Used to have a live-in-pocket best friend but IMO it was a very unhealthy relationship and am well shot of it. Just sad that I don't feel I 'belong' in any group or with a person who really understands me

[Sunshinemummy]

Jellybelly that's one of the reasons I lost touch with school best friend - she always, always cancels on me. Friend who stopped calling when I was pregnant cancelled on me late last night (not first time it's happened recently). It's very frustrating.

[jellybelly25]

God I sound like a fruitcake.. I wouldn't be my friend reading that!

Ditto PND by the way and ditto dp is best friend by a LONG way but fortunately for him he is not always there to bleat about nothing to