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I think I’m seeing red (flags)....(103 Posts)
NC for this post. I need a (gentle please) sanity check in those weird lockdown times.
Sorry it’s a novel.
I have been talking to a guy for about 2 months. Getting along great, genuinely and surprisingly a lot in common. He is separated from his long term partner for over a year, in (very....) good terms.
Probably due to the lockdown we spent more time chatting, texting, speaking etc before meeting than we would have in normal circumstances. We agreed to meet after lockdown was lifted initially when back at work/office for lunch.
We eventually went for a walk in the park the week we became allowed to have social distance walk with friends and have done so 2/3 times a week since. It was actually nice because taking away the dating/restaurant/physical contact aspect we got to know each other quite well.
A few things niggle me and I can’t work out if it’s the current context or if his ex is actually an ex before taking it further with him:
- he has his kids every weekend (explanation is the ex home schools them all week at the moment so he has them every weekend to give her a break)
- He works long hours (type of work that carried on during lockdown) and goes home late so I realised we haven’t actually spoken on the phone after he gets home. Again, he does finish late so could be
- he goes very quiet at the weekend (he has the kids, it’s hectic - fine). But realised a pattern these past couple of weeks... he picks up DCs early Saturday and doesn’t mention when drops them off on Sundays. Didn’t pay too much attention to it at first but then I wonder why not call me for a chat on Sunday night
- lots of selfies from his room at bed time (alone in bed and lots of mess - boys room) - definitely not a partnered up man with a woman around
- we started to talk about spending time alone and I explained that no one comes to my house and meet DCs until relationship is solid and he is here to stay which he didn’t seem phased by. I suggested twice coming to visit him on a Friday evening at some point he changed the subject faster than you can say ‘how many sugar in your tea...’. He eventually said he has his kids from Friday night mostly (since i started speaking to him he said Saturday morning)
- had a bit of a domestic situation a few weeks ago and he was very supportive. It was quite late but I was rushed and he was home so asked to call him to be handsfree instead of texting. Suddenly he had a migraine and went to bed.
- he was driving back from work really late one night this week and was very tired so we were sending each other voice messages to make sure he wasn’t falling asleep at the wheel. All of a sudden, he started to be very pushy about videocalling to keep him company. I was in bed with no make up and said no. At that point, I had a red flag flashing in my head and insisted that I would videocall him for 5 minutes when he gets home to make sure he was ok. He must have been aback as I’m usually laidback and all of a sudden was so tired that ‘his speech was slurred’! He texted me when he got home and carried on texting lovely things for over half an hour when I ignored his messages
was he not about to suddenly pass out?
- He commented his ex made his life a misery because she was jealous, constantly accusing him of cheating. He confessed to a one month after years ago nothing else since (that’s was started my suspicions then again, he didn’t have to tell me. His body language when he told me was remorseful, sad and ashamed. He said he wanted answer all my questions honestly.
- Finally he tries really hard to shift me off whatsapp towards normal texts especially when he is home.
If you made it this far, what do you think?
Whatever's going on with him, it all sounds exhausting for you. Do you really need this amount of stress is in your life from a near stranger?
I agree and I am erring on the side of letting go but was wondering if the circumstances are not making everything feel a bit weird. I’m not too affected by it or emotionally involved, obviously like him and find him attractive but as you say he is still only a stranger.
Bin it before you get started. It’s not going to be worth it and you know it.
This stands out for me:
we were sending each other voice messages to make sure he wasn’t falling asleep at the wheel. All of a sudden, he started to be very pushy about videocalling to keep him company. I was in bed with no make up and said no. At that point, I had a red flag flashing in my head and insisted that I would videocall him for 5 minutes when he gets home to make sure he was ok.
Because I've seen it used as a tactic where men invent a need for the women to 'help' look after them. 'Please remind me to take my pills, I'll get so sick if you don't.' etc because it creates that caring/nurturing dynamic and makes you feel responsible for them and important at the same time. And because it's not a one-off, it's the repetition of care that embeds itself in your mind.
Believe your flags.
Thank you it’s very interesting. I had not spotted a potential emotional manipulation here....
I did later when I ignored his texts and he kept texting (I’m glad we met type of message) which I thought was odd if you’re that tired that you can’t show your face 2 minutes, you should be fast asleep....
Your gut is right, he's trouble. He knew he'd overplayed his gambit in the car and was trying to mini lovebomb you to forget it.
The crazy ex story is a classic. You can definitely do better than this. Onward and upward.
Why switch text types? All sounds very fishy to me!
If you have time to talk to him in the evenings then I'm sure he could find the time at the weekend when the kids are in bed to call you.
Even if it is all innocent, it's not the timing/effort isn't aligning with you, the only thing you can do is have an honest chat with him.
I agree... I think I will cool it off.
I completely agree! Fishy as normal texts, his alleged ex can’t see his ‘last seen’ / online status late evenings....
if you only saw Dh's side of the room you'd think he had a "boy's room" ...have you really seen all the room or just the edited highlights??
I'd lay money he is not separated at tall tbh, his timings just scream out that he is using his alone time to and fro work to contact you and outside that it's "FamilyTime" and someone --his wife--is not going to be happy to have him videocalling
2 months in life should be stress free and amazing!!
Sounds way too much hassle to me!!
I don’t think it’s a lack of interest as he does most of the communication. I only mentioned what I thought were red flags but aside from those, he texts regularly, not too much (not feeling love bombed) and we talk about a lot of things (i.e I never felt he was just after sex if that makes sense although he expressed attraction).
I am wondering whether to have a talk or just cool it off.... If he is a bad’un he probably would give me b.s....
Well, as I imagine you are saying OP, it does sound like he is married or summat- well, like he's with someone most of the time.
he started to be very pushy about videocalling to keep him company. I was in bed with no make up and said no. At that point, I had a red flag flashing in my head and insisted that I would videocall him for 5 minutes when he gets home to make sure he was ok.
Lol, whatever's happening, well done for not giving in to his pushiness. Pushiness is a real turn off IMHO.
Whereabouts in the UK are you @ThoseBootsAreMadeFor
Call him a few times in the evening, see what excuses he uses for not picking up.
Google him and see who is down at living at his home.
Sounds married as fuck to me, sorry OP.
I couldn't be arsed with any of that.
I really couldn't be arsed with some bloke needing me to video call him when he's driving so he doesn't fall asleep in the car. He's making you responsible for his needs.
He works long hours so you can't speak to him after work? He has his kids all weekend so you can't visit him at the weekend? Either this is all bollocks and he's in a relationship with someone else OR he doesn't have time to be in a new relationship. Neither of those scenarios are good.
Dump and move on.
The Sunday night thing wouldn't really bother me, if he's been working all week and he has his kids all weekend it's understandable if he just wants an evening to himself.
But the out of nowhere migraine thing would bother me.
Have you Googled his name? 192 may tell you who lives at his address...
Do you know, it’s exactly what puts me on edge regarding the timings.... I have seen more than his room and I would say, it does look ‘rented’ as a stop gap if that makes sense, tired wallpaper and decoration. Kitchen also looks a bit tired. Of course, not everyone has a showroom house, I don’t but I look after it as best as I can so it is at least tidy. His looks like a bachelor pad.
I guess if not in lockdown, he wouldn’t have his DCs every weekend, we would be allowed to visit ppl’s house so it would have been more obvious if he didnt want me there.
I’m in the South
I agree with you about the red flags.
I completely agree with @LaurieSchafferIsAllB
every point you have posted about him screams of him having a partner who he lives with and is with at the weekend and in the evening.
I have no idea what the bit about the video calling means and how to interpret that, but quite frankly it doesn’t matter and there is no point wasting your time trying to analyse it.
He sounds exactly like my “ex” and our situation with our two DD .... maybe he’s not living with another woman but seeing them at the weekends. Either way if it’s not making you 100% happy after 2 months then something isn’t right. Go with your gut. Xxx
I know right! Thats why I insisted to call him when he got home. To call his bluff. It was out of character, I’m quite laidback. That’s what made me suspicious: pushy to videocall then all of a sudden slurred speech (his words!) so couldnt talk from home but then kept of texting.... that’s what prompted me to post on here.
In isolation all other points could have genuine explanations
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