He needs to “win”. Is this gaslighting or just being a d*ck?

[Melandri]

Has anyone dealt with a really argumentative partner who doesn’t see themselves that way?

My partner picks at anything until he finds a disagreement or a reason to fall out.

Recently he told me he doesn’t like the way I need to go for a walk when I’m frustrated or upset, especially if it’s fairly late, and would I mind not doing it because he worries.

I said fair enough but I do like a bit of space to clear my head but I won’t go out at night if he’ll worry (it doesn’t happen often btw, maybe twice in the last few months.)

I thought that was the end of the conversation but no.

He then said “if you did still want to go for a walk, would you tell me?” To which I replied “of course, I’m always honest with you and there’d be no reason not to tell you”

He then said:
“Are you calling me a bullshitter?”

I was so surprised at the direction that this took but said “no, of course not”.

He’s now saying that because I said I’m honest, I’ve indirectly said that he’s not.
It’s been over 24 hours now and he’s still really worked up over it even though I’ve told him I dong feel that way and don’t think that and definitely didn’t imply it or didn’t mean to.

Anyway, after lots of shouting and arguing from him, and me staying calm and telling him that I don’t think he’s a bullshitter he’s summed it up saying that the issue is that I don’t understand.

I said “I do” and he replied saying “no you don’t”.

I’ve asked him what I can do to help us move on and he said his lost where he is with everything but he won’t back down because that will mean I’ve won. I don’t see it as winning or losing I just think there’s been a bit of confusion and rather than letting it go he’s clinging to it.

I don’t know why he’s like this. Can anyone help?

[Note from MNHQ - 22/11/2020: please note there is a recent update from the OP].

[Browzingss]

Sounds immature

I’d be so frustrated with a partner like this that I’d have to end it

He doesn’t even know why he’s annoyed at this point!

[WinnieWonder]

Omg that does sound like gas lighting

Taking your words and then serving them back to you but with a different meaning.

[Aerial2020]

Wtf????
What is he on about? Does he just like causing tension for the hell of it?
Sounds exhausting. Ignore, don't play the game & certainly don't engage by asking how to help to move on. What a child.

[Etinox]

What are you getting out of this relationship?

[Honeyroar]

That’s really weird behaviour from him. He does sound like he’s fanning the flames to cause arguments whenever he can and then trying to stop you from doing what calms you down. I’d suggest that he went for counselling if he wants this relationship to survive- make him see that it’s a serious issue for you.

[madcatladyforever]

Yes I totally get that, I just dumped a male friend of 35 years because I was sick to bloody death of his incessant need to be right and the subsequent emails back and forth until he won.
A facebook post was the last straw and that was it, blocked and cut out of my life.
It is actually abuse doing this, I pity his poor wife. She'd been planning to leave him for the same reason.

[JadLi]

Sounds like he needs to get a grip. Very immature.

[Bunnymumy]

Why are you staying with this ass?

He wants you to be stressed and upset and questioning yourself. And he doesn't like you taking a walk to clear your head because that undoes all his hard work.

Basically controlling af.

[xmummy2princesx]

He sounds really immature tbh

[BurtsBeesKnees]

Gaslighting or a dick, he sounds exhausting and completely infuriating. I couldn't live with someone like that. Sounds like he's trying to cause an argument or find a reason to fall out with you

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

He is a wanker. He wanted a row. He likes how it makes you feel.

Please say you have no children and can leave him now?

[WaitingForTheTurn79]

I'm thinking why he would think that you saying you were honest meant you were inferring that somehow he was dishonest?

Could you have touched a nerve here?

I'm honest and if someone said they were, I would just agree .....

Then again I'm not incredibly disagreeable. This relationship sounds exhausting . How long have you been together? Is this new behaviour?

[CaraDune]

God I couldn't be bothered with a man like this. I'd dump him. Life is too short.

[WaitingForTheTurn79]

I'm reading your OP again , it just all sounds exhausting . I'm a parent and it kind of reminds me of the awful, hormonal teenage years when my kids hated me and saw issues with everything I said.

[IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy]

Who cares why - he's telling you what to do and causing unnecessary drama. The hills are that way ➡️... run

[Melandri]

Thanks everyone, it’s really appreciated. I feel like I’m going mad...
I’m not very disagreeable, I don’t like arguing and never really raise my voice, I tend to think most things can be solved just by talking rationally so this behaviour isn’t something I’m familiar with.

To answer a few questions:
We’ve known each other for quite a few years now as friends/acquaintances but have been together for about 8 months.

As I live with a housemate and he lives alone, I was going to effectively move in for July and possibly into August whilst I wfh so we can spend more time together (not sure that’s going to happen now!)

His behaviour has become more erratic over the last few weeks but totally escalated yesterday and into today.

No children thankfully!!

As for what I get out of it... He’s incredibly kind and loving and is very open with saying I can treat his home as my own. He’s very good in bed and is really attentive but then things like this happen and I just don’t know where to go with it all.

I don’t know if he can change and work on it or if it’s just who he is. For what it’s worth we’re both early 30s, he’s never lived with anyone before whereas I’ve had a relationship of 8 years and have also lived with a previous partner.

[FizzyGreenWater]

WHYYYYY put up with a person like this?

Do you honestly want to get to the end of your one precious life and think, regretfullly - I spent it with an immature dick who constantly looked to pick fault with me.

I'm so hoping you don't have kids. Leave him.

[LadyFeliciaMontague]

things like this happen and I just don’t know where to go with it all

Out the door as fast as you can without a backwards glance.

[2bazookas]

30 and never lived with anyone before hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I'd wonder if there;s a mental health history.

At any rate, i wouldn't move in.

[Summerhillsquare]

Nit picking at best, controlling at worst.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

This is exhausting and it's impossible to argue with someone like this. He asks you a question, you say you're being honest...only someone that really wants an argument or someone exceptionally paranoid can take from that, that you are trying to imply he is dishonest. He is taking your words and putting a totally different meaning on them. the issue is in his head, completely. There is nothing you can do if he is determined to tell you what you meant instead of listening to what you're saying.

Also his whole mindset is just wrong. An argument should be about airing grievances and reaching a compromise, listening as well as talking and taking on board each others views and trying to reach a conclusion that both parties are happy with. If all he cares about is winning, it's not a healthy relationship as he cares more about saving face than resolving issues

[Melandri]

There’s a mental health history with his mother, she was admitted to a psychiatric hospital...
There isn’t any history there with his own mental health - does the apple fall far from the tree?

[WaitingForTheTurn79]

Is there a reason to explain this escalation in poor behaviour? Is he stressed?

It's a fairly new relationship of 8 months and you aren't living together at the moment , you should still be very much in the honeymoon phase.
Although we are in difficult times at the moment so this could affect things negatively.

Regardless of this , if you are still arguing 24 hours later over something that wasn't even an arguable issue in the first place ... You need to be able to talk about this and ask what's causing him to react so defensively . How he responds is significant to how you can expect your relationship to go. Not over the one conversation, just over the entire issue.

I have awful PMS and for about two days a month and I am a complete argumentative nightmare so I can get that people sometimes have reasons for being argumentative that are caused by things other than the relationship. But you need to be able to understand and communicate . If you can't do that then there might not be anything to try and save.

[Melandri]

@OoohTheStatsDontLie - that’s exactly it.

Is there any way of someone like this changing or is that how they are?

It’d be such a shame when there’s so many great things but equally I’m not afraid to walk away if I need to.

[NoMoreDickheads]

He then said “if you did still want to go for a walk, would you tell me?” To which I replied “of course, I’m always honest with you and there’d be no reason not to tell you. He then said: “Are you calling me a bullshitter?”

WTF? He's a nutter OP, a narc or something, something unpleasant anyway. Bin immediately!