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Am i a nag?

(13 Posts)
CactusWaffle Tue 16-Jun-20 14:38:56

Im talking about my DH. I try to sit him down to talk about things and make decisions on us, life, kids etc but he scurries off and i am left having to organise and think things over on my own, plan stuff by myself.

Examples- kids birthdays/christmas. I end up having to think up gift ideas, put money aside (which i make sure he gives me half back for) (we have separate money, thats how weve always done it and works for us). Put up decorations, make the cake organise parties. It comes to the morning of Christmas/Birthday and he is just as surprised as the kids are to what ive bought them!

We would like to move house. This means talking about having a plan to finish off decorating, getting the house ready and of course saving up money to move. No interest. He would like to move dont get me wrong but doesnt want the hassle. I would have to complete all dealing with moving and he would literally do nothing except pack his own bits and bobs. I found out hes been getting bonuses of £2k per year but rather than putting the cash into the house/holidays/or new boiler we desperately need, hes spent it on clothes and bloody iwatch etc. Whereas a couple of years ago, i came into some money and bought new windows for the house.

I just feel frustrated. I feel like im already the parent to a child and hes just another child aged 44 😕 i have all of the mental load and he has nothing 🤯 ive tried to talk to him about it but he just looks for the nearest exit!!!

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Tue 16-Jun-20 15:23:51

Do you want this for the rest of your life? You want a relationship...he wants a convenience.

He isnt going to mature any more. And tbh this isbt really a maturity issue, it's a personality issue. As in, he has a shit one.

You are basically a substitute mum.

I'm curious, if you took seriously ill longterm...do you think it is more likely he would step up...or sod off?

Shoxfordian Tue 16-Jun-20 17:28:35

You're not a team
He doesn't want to engage properly with you about anything. What's the point of him?

lifestooshort123 Tue 16-Jun-20 18:52:57

He won't change. Is this how you want to live because you will eventually resent being the only adult and you will become someone you don't like. Do some serious thinking - good luck.

Boireannachlaidir Tue 16-Jun-20 18:55:42

I suggest you look for the nearest exit from him. He sounds lazy and selfish.

Aerial2020 Tue 16-Jun-20 23:24:22

Stop doing it

Dollyrocket Tue 16-Jun-20 23:27:50

Make your plans to leave him and rid yourself of the extra child you didn’t give birth to!

category12 Tue 16-Jun-20 23:31:39

Well, that thing about "separate money works for us" is a bit delusional, isn't it? As a family, you could be in a very different position if you'd both been open and pooling resources as a partnership.

kayakingmum Tue 16-Jun-20 23:36:47

People on mumsnet always advise - Dump him.
I think that's a complete over-reaction. I'm sure he's got lots of strengths, being interested in the boring stuff (though important) isn't one of them. I think you need to accept that and take the lead on presents, house hunting e.t.c. Don't waste energy trying to change him.

kayakingmum Tue 16-Jun-20 23:38:21

By the way, my partner and I have separate bank accounts too and that works for us as well.

Nothing delusional about that.

Crystalspider Tue 16-Jun-20 23:41:17

No your not a nag but he doesn't want the same enough to do anything about it. Spend some extra money on yourself and DC

category12 Tue 16-Jun-20 23:42:33

Kayaking, in this case it's delusional, imo. Him pissing away £2K bonuses isn't what I'd consider separate money working for them.

category12 Tue 16-Jun-20 23:50:42

Anyway, I think the only way is to stop parenting him and picking up his slack - perhaps go to counselling together and try to get on the same page in a situation where he can't scurry off.

To a certain extent, you're enabling this behaviour to continue, because you do it all and he constantly gets away with not engaging with any of it.

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