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I've really messed up

(14 Posts)
fairydustandpixies Tue 16-Jun-20 13:21:05

This is long, sorry!!

So, I posted on here about 12 months ago about a guy I was very casually dating. It had been a blind date, we met in February/March last year. I didn't and still don't want a boyfriend or partner but a friend suggested we'd get on and I'd recently moved to a new area and was keen to meet people and make connections.

Anyway, guy was great, we had loads of fun dates, he's intelligent, good looking, great fun, lots in common, same sense of humour. After three months of nothing other than hand holding and the odd snog, I invited him to mine, cooked him a meal and invited him to stay the night. He did but no sex. No move in that direction, lots of cuddles but nothing sexual at all. I was disappointed.

We dated until end of July when I told him that he was fabulous but I really wasn't into it, I loved his company, would be so happy if we could be friends but I didn't want to have a 'relationship'. Still no sex btw, I suspect ED in hindsight.

Fast forward - we've had great days out and fun times before lockdown. I even introduced him to several of my single friends! During lockdown, because I was shielding, he'd just turn up out of the blue and leave chocolates or wine on my doorstep, ring the bell and stand at the bottom of my drive where we'd chat - very socially distanced!

This past weekend, we arranged that he'd come to my garden, he'd bring his own chair, own food and drink and enjoy the sunshine. Great. But we both drank too much. I made a pass, he reciprocated and then he started talking about would we live together, should we start making plans now. At this point I made it clear that would not be happening, I stopped drinking (I'd had about half a bottle of wine), he carried on drinking (think about three bottles), fell over, broke a chair, broke glasses, passed out. I managed to drag him onto the settee, throw a blanket over him (he was far too drunk to walk home) and went to bed cursing myself.

Sunday morning, he was in a lot of pain from the fall (he's in his 50's, I'm in my 40's) so I literally made him a coffee and walked him home.

He's messaged since, all okay. But I've really messed up our friendship now. It was great how it was before but I've misread the situation and have lead him on terribly. I'm going to have to tell him, aren't I? Nothing has been said since, I'm not even sure how much he remembers but I am going to have that conversation - again.

I feel awful, he's a good person and lots of fun. How do you think I could best approach it without hurting his feelings too much? I've confided in one friend and after she started laughing and told me it was obvious he had feelings, she suggested writing a letter then he can re-visit it and has a physical thing rather than an email. But I think face to face, however awkward, is the way to go??

Advice please, wonderful people! But I know there's no fool like an old fool and I should have known better but I hadn't seen a person up close in over three months, haven't seen my family since last year and just acted like an idiot wanting some contact with a real life human!

OP’s posts: |
SoManyRabbits Tue 16-Jun-20 13:24:49

Well making a pass probably wasn't the best idea but, really, if I made a pass at someone and they started talking about us living together, I'd consider them to be in the wrong, not me!!

fairydustandpixies Tue 16-Jun-20 15:13:12

Thanks Rabbits! It was a bit surreal tbh.

OP’s posts: |
Otterhound Tue 16-Jun-20 15:31:29

If someone I’d known well for a while made a pass at me I’d assume it’s because they wanted a relationship not a quick shag.

I’d call him. It may or may not affect your friendship

ELW85 Tue 16-Jun-20 15:40:42

Alcohol and lockdown do funny things to people but it’s really not the end of the world!
I would just politely say it was great to see him, apologise for being drunk and giving mixed messages but it would be great if you could continue the friendship as it was.

Greenkit Tue 16-Jun-20 15:47:17

Where does he live at the moment, is he thinking, move in, on tap housemaid?

If you have known each other that long and no sex, even if it was FWB, then you just arent into each other.

Just tell him you want to be friends and that's all you can offer

TwentyViginti Tue 16-Jun-20 15:49:48

I would pretend I'd been drunker than I was, and say you don't remember much. That will save some embarrasment on both sides, if he brings up the living together thing.

fairydustandpixies Tue 16-Jun-20 15:54:10

Thanks all. The quick shag never happened last year so I get the relationship thing. I wanted a quick shag though 😁

Yep, you're right, a swift apology for being drunk and being inappropriate and hope we can continue our friendship as is.

He's actually in the process of moving from his flat to a house, completion end of this month. He's not exchanged contracts yet and I have to admit it crossed my mind he might have hoped to move in with me and save himself a mortgage (I own my house outright).

Oh, what a mess.

OP’s posts: |
fairydustandpixies Tue 16-Jun-20 15:56:20

I like the idea of saying I was drunker than I was! I did say on Sunday morning that I felt terribly hungover and was sorry for being so drunk, hence the reason for walking him home (fresh air!) and him being injured and wanting him out of my house asap!

OP’s posts: |
TwentyViginti Tue 16-Jun-20 15:58:35

It could be that he hoped to live in your house, but whatever, it ain't happening.

Don't overthink it all, just make sure any future meet ups are alcohol free grin

JustC Tue 16-Jun-20 16:36:09

Well yes obviously he is quite into you bless him. I think after apologising for wrong move, you should maybe lower contact as well. He will still be hopeful and it will keep him from moving on if cintact is quite often. Just my two pence, I had a guy like that in my life waaaay long time ago. He said he was fine with just being friends, but I coild see he kinda measured every new girl with this idealised image he had of me. We had to go no contact eventually.

Andwoooshtheyweregone Tue 16-Jun-20 18:06:20

I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all! You were both consensual adults. He was the one who jumped the gun. I’d be embarrassed if I was him.

AramintaLee Tue 16-Jun-20 18:12:26

I would probably pretend I was more drunk than him and have no recollection of the conversation. He might not even remember it himself or be a bit embarrassed if he does. If he starts making plans for your future together when sober, THEN I'd have cause for concern.

NoMoreDickheads Tue 16-Jun-20 18:50:09

I've misread the situation and have lead him on terribly.

You didn't lead him on at all. He had the wrong idea but you did nothing to lead him to have that idea particularly. Not at this point in the 'relationship,' anyway, not after you've only just started to see each other again.

His going on about living together etc was him being weird, not you having done anything to mislead him particularly.

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