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Potential new relationship

(19 Posts)
lockdownmadness Tue 16-Jun-20 08:38:14

So I matched with someone online. I dont have my real name on there so was surprised when I had a message from him with my real name! I had no idea who he was but then remembered we used to do a sport together over 20 years ago and he was the year above me at school.
So we had 2 dates and are in each others 'bubble' we have had sex for the first time. It has only been a few weeks and after not having sex for 2 years, this was a big thing for me. I really like him and feeling overwhelming emotions at time.. I can see it may turn into love. It seems he is feeling the same. I guess I am just worried it will go wrong, he will decide otherwise, all the normal anxieties at the beginning. We are both mid 40's and I'm looking for a life partner, not a fling. Also I believe peri menopause is setting in and I'm unsure how to bring this up with him, if I do?
Just any advice how to navigate this.
Before him I've had online dates, divorced 2012 and a few relationships since including an abusive one. I'm worried I may be being too honest and available and he doesnt have to work for it. Just advice how to navigate this? perhaps I just need to relax?!

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Singlenotsingle Tue 16-Jun-20 08:47:09

You're just facing all the potential problems that anyone of any age might face. I'm in much the same situation with a new relationship that started February time, dealing with lockdown, and we live a 3 hour drive apart.

I think all you can do is be honest. I decided I was too old to be playing games. If I think something, want something or feel something, I say it. I don't think I'd be talking about menopause though. That's a bit too personal for a new relationship.

AllsortsofAwkward Tue 16-Jun-20 08:48:27

Dont over think things op. Just go with the flow.

TwentyViginti Tue 16-Jun-20 08:50:23

Not sure why you think you need to discuss your peri menopause with a virtual stranger? I say virtual stranger, as we change over 20 years, especially our younger to middle age years.

Two dates is nowhere near a relationship. Calm down. It may well be a lockdown fling for him. If you reek of desperation, he may well future fake and leave you heartbroken.

It's strange times, and he could be off when other avenues for flings open up.

Bear all that in mind, and enjoy the present time you have with him, without turning up for your next date in a wedding dress! grin

IveGotFrills Tue 16-Jun-20 08:52:01

YES! Slow down and back off a bit. Your anxiety will look like desperation. Something is suggesting to you that this is going to fail - is it your intuition/spidey senses rather past experience? Is he behaving in a way which suggests this might happen?

dancemom Tue 16-Jun-20 08:58:24

Normal anxieties at the beginning of a potential new relationship. Try to just take it a day at a time and enjoy it for what it is.
Agree with PP though, no need to play games, be honest and expect the same from him.

HundredMilesAnHour Tue 16-Jun-20 08:59:41

You've had 2 dates and have already decided to be in each other's bubble? Why are you both moving so fast? If you're worried about things going wrong, why don't you just slow down a bit? I don't understand what the rush is?

lockdownmadness Tue 16-Jun-20 11:58:02

Thanks for replies. I guess perhaps caught up in the excitement however there is absolutely no rush. Re the bubble I guess has to make that decision in the heat of the moment 😁
I'm not desperate and have managed independently since 2009 but yes I get the point of not coming across as desperate or insecure. I really like him and hope it works out.. it's going well so far and I guess I want to do everything 'right'..
I do kind of regret the sex so soon but its happened now so I cant dwell. It doesnt feel like it is a fling..

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MozzchopsThirty Tue 16-Jun-20 12:41:27

Oh don't beat yourself up about the sex, it really doesn't matter when that happened

I would say you're overthinking, I also divorced in 2012 and after some disasters I gave up.
Met a hot guy, thought I'd just fuck him, was totally chilled and we're together 2 years on

Deffo don't stress over it, relax and let shit happen

Mermaidwaves Tue 16-Jun-20 13:15:33

I think you have high expectations OP, I know it's hard but you need to slow down with the relationship stuff, I've made that mistake too. Its only been two dates so you dont know each other yet, and I wouldnt tell him about your menipause, that will scare him off. Yes try and go with the flow, easier said than done I know.

lockdownmadness Tue 16-Jun-20 13:46:47

@MozzchopsThirty..haha are you me?
I have not been with anyone so fit before and we spend a lot of time staring at each other grin he has made a joke of this, we are very attracted to each other. I dont want it to be just about sex and there are a few issues there which is why I mention peri on here but agree to not say.
Yes, I'm.an overthinker and trying my hardest not too and keep busy/distracted otherwise.. chilled is the way to go I think

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MozzchopsThirty Tue 16-Jun-20 17:37:12

@lockdownmadness I still stare at him now lol

lockdownmadness Thu 18-Jun-20 13:35:54

How is it best to manage all of the anxieties and not loose yourself in it?
He is sensible and being level headed which is good. He says he doesnt want to get carried away but has strong feelings and there is spark.
I cant help but feel I'm not going to be able to handle it after experiences I've had but I'd really like to. I'm so out of practice. Is it just a case of taking it very slowly?

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Onemansoapopera Thu 18-Jun-20 13:42:36

I met a hot guy on tinder thought I'd just fuck him, we've been married 3 years together 6. Got quite turned on watching him jet wash my car yesterday 😆

Got there by chilling out and not questioning it and knowing that he was just as likely to mess it up as me, so what?

We slept together on the first night. Don't sweat it OP. You lived before you knew him, you'd live if it ended or didn't go anywhere, so just enjoy

lockdownmadness Thu 18-Jun-20 13:56:48

@Onemansoapopera 😁 sounds amazing and congratulations on finding your man.
I'm very nervous when it comes to sex as it's been so long and things have changed, I'm so attracted to him and having feelings he is out of my league all round. However he has said he has strong feelings, I'm special, hes interested.
That's true. I guess I get on with my own life in the meantime however I'm very distracted. No idea how people have time for it!

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Onemansoapopera Thu 18-Jun-20 14:04:36

One day at a time and enjoy he sounds great 😊

Cat112344 Thu 18-Jun-20 14:23:10

Stop fretting and enjoy it! A nice man has came into your life, you seem happily sexually (so does he😉) so there’s no problems! You’re both adults, you’ve had sex after a couple of dates it’s definitely no biggie. I had sex with my OH a week after meeting him (we’d only seen each other twice before) as it just felt right! Hope everything goes well for you OP 😁

ChristmasFluff Thu 18-Jun-20 14:43:38

Definitely calm right down. You do not know this man at all. You are experiencing huge hormonal rushes that feel like they are headed in a certain direction because of their intensity, but that's all it is - a heady mix of hormones and fantasy from inside your head, all projected onto this man. This is infatuation, and it is normal. But you need to keep your wits about you.

Take the focus off your feelings and put them onto his actions. You are auditioning for a life partner so you need to take time to see if he fits the bill, before jumping to conclusions based on emotions.

I think these articles might help you get yourself back to where you want to be mentally:
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-dating-is-a-discovery-phase-to-work-out-if-you-want-a-relationship/
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dating-is-a-discovery-phase-where-you/

lockdownmadness Sat 20-Jun-20 12:57:02

Thanks for the replies. I'm calming down and gaining perspective and yes think you're absolutely right about keeping wits about you. There are differences bit I think enough common ground. I'll have a look at those links. I think it's because this is all new to me, I find it hard and also struggle to not feel anxious and like I'm not good enough. I need to work on that. Anyway had a lovely day with him yesterday and I'm hoping a true friendship will develop. One day at a time is my new thinking and also slowly slowly

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