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Hard to leave... 5 years in(5 Posts)
I'm terrified writing this right now. I don't really know what I want to get out of this maybe other than support to do the right thing.
Me and my fiance got together when I was 18 and he was 19. We're both turning 24 this year.
We have a lovely house (we rent) and a georgous little cocker spaniel puppy. We both have our dream jobs and money isn't an issue. Sounds perfect right? Not.
I dont think we're right for each other at all! I love to talk and plan and get excited about travelling and our future. He likes to live a very simple life and just wait for things to happen around him.
We've been on and off for years and our longest break up was 2 months. I had an amazing 2 months but honestly got back together with him because I missed him, I dont even know if it was the right thing to do.
Last year we lost a baby. Before then we would talk a lot about how funny it would be if I got pregnant and we would talk about our future children and life. We were being careful but I still got pregnant and I lost the baby.
Since then he wont talk to me about babys or pregnancy, I'm having a little bit of a scare right now and he said that if I was pregnant he wouldn't want me to tell anyone. He wont talk about our future and honestly I'm so down and sad all day every day.
He also might have an opportunity to move across the country and pursue his career, but I dont want to. I already moved 100 miles from my family to live with him. The long term goal was to move back home to where our families are in about 5 years, and now he doesnt want to because his career is more important (I work remotely so it doesnt matter where I am).
He gets angry at tiny things and then gets mad at me when I try to help. He says that I get him down all the time but he wont talk it out or do anything to try and change or improve us as a couple.
I cant keep living like this - there has to be something more. Hes very caring but that's almost the only good thing I can say about him.
I can move back in with my Mum and just keep paying towards the house until the tenancy us up.
I'm very scared about the future
I think if you are feeling this way five years in then it’s time to take stock and decide if the problems you have can be resolved, for example whatever the future holds would need to be a compromise for both of you not just you.
If he’s telling you that you get him down and gets angry over simple things then perhaps has some issues with the relationship too?
Whatever you do it will be hard. If you leave then there will be a lot of practical and emotional issues to overcome. But if you don’t leave then either work will need to go into the relationship to resolve things or you will end up living like it indefinitely.
Only you can decide what’s best x
From what you've said it's time to start considering your next steps very carefully. In fact from an outsider's perspective your relationship looks as though it's run its course and the only reason you haven't left already is the trauma of breaking the relationship up. If you're struggling with the idea of it then maybe some counselling would help you? You are young, you can take your job with you back to your mum's, you don't have children. And if it helps it doesn't sound as if he's happy either.
Thanks both, we've been in this position so many times over and I feel like I talk and talk and I try to fix the relationship and he agrees and in my head we've "come to a compromise" when in reality he just doesnt want confrontation.
I've been so sure in the past that I'm going to leave, I just need to do it now 😭
You've nothing to be afraid of OP. Round the corner is a life where you're free of all the things that are causing you upset right now, as long as you are brave enough to take the step.
You need to split, you need to do what's right for you, I honestly think you'll both feel a massive sense of relief and hopefully you can remain amicable...
I had a similar break aged 24, although it was quite different as it was toxic and controlling but I promise you, you've your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it away.
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