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How do I leave?

(16 Posts)
Runforthehills857 Mon 15-Jun-20 13:44:47

Please help me leave my (not D)P. I've read the abuser profiles and he a "demand man". I can't take his moaning, moods and criticism any more. The way he speaks to me and DD is disgusting. I don't want my DD growing up thinking this is normal.

We are not married and jointly own the house we live in with a mortgage. I earn 30k a year and he earns slightly less. It appears I wouldn't be entitled to any benefits on my own except child benefit. It would be a struggle in this house on my own and even more so for him.

He won't leave the house. He has DPiL and family to go. I have nowhere. I had one friend who has died during lockdown. I cried and P didnt even comfort me. Just sat on his phone. I have one DB who has 3 kids of his own in a small house so couldn't impose. My DParents are dead. He also said he wouldn't let me take DD as I am not a good Mum. He absolutely believes he is a better parent than me.

I have DD (6) and DDog. Is my only option to abandon Ddog to grumpy P and try to go to a hostel with DD? I dont think he would let me leave with DD anyway and even though he's never been violent I am scared. Any advice would be much appreciated. I'm so terribly miserable. There is no kindness or affection and my life is spent walking on egg shells. I feel we are trapped.

OP’s posts: |
Ludo19 Mon 15-Jun-20 13:52:42

Get some legal advice asap. He cannot stop you taking your DD or your dog....Don't leave the dog!! Anyway you may not need to leave in the beginning!

Can you talk to him? Tell him how you feel? Ask him to move out for a few weeks?

Bunnymumy Mon 15-Jun-20 13:57:50

If you earn 30k per year, why do you need to go to a hostel?

Rent a wee place for yourself and your child.

You may have to stop paying the mortgage and forfeit the house but anything is worth it to be fee of him. 30k a year is not to be sniffed at.

Perhaps you could even move further north to put some distance between you and him. Plus the money will stretch even further there.

blackcat86 Mon 15-Jun-20 14:05:27

I know people always say this but have you spoken to Women's aid and a solicitor ? I think you need a clear view of your situation rather than what he tells you or what you think he might do. Find out your position regarding the abuse and house, find a place to rent and leave with DD and the dog. You dont need his permission. He doesn't get to sit and dictate that you're not a good mum. He's hardly father of year is he. You have decent, stable employment and earn more than him. That's why he wants to tear you down. You need a bit of 'i am woman, hear me roar' and to realise just how much power you have to change this.

Aknifewith16blades Mon 15-Jun-20 14:06:15

Talk to Rights of Women, and to Women's Aid to find out what your options are and make a plan to safely leave.

It might be that you end up selling the house.

Well done on recognising the abuse and starting to build a better life.

Runforthehills857 Mon 15-Jun-20 14:11:21

He knows how I feel. He has explicitly said I am free to leave any time with Ddog, just not DD and he is not leaving under any circumstances.

It feels so horrible to consider giving him the house (we have about 50k equity) just because he is a horrible person. He couldn't afford to buy me out as he doesnt earn enough to remortgage on his own so I guess it would all be his.

I meant a hostle in the short term because I couldn't afford to rent and pay the bills here. I don't know how leaving would work financially with the mortgage? If I stopped paying it i guess I would get in trouble too.

I didn't mean it to sound like I was sniffing at my job and I do love it. I just dont understand the practicalities of leaving him and who would pay what.

OP’s posts: |
Runforthehills857 Mon 15-Jun-20 14:13:54

I cant believe the prices of rent compared to my mortgage either shock

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Bunnymumy Mon 15-Jun-20 14:15:53

Just phone the bill people (electric, phone ect) and say you are leaving. They will then treat it as if he is a new tenant and write to him for his details. And cancel any SKY or whatever.

You certainly dont have to pay bills anymore if you arent staying there.

As the the mortgage. If you stop paying and cant keep up then he will lose the house. But thars his problem.

Seriously, fuck him.

Yes it sucks to leave your home to the asshole, but if it's the price of freedom, it's more than worth it.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 15-Jun-20 14:16:51

Legal advice OP.
If it's jointly owned house then it needs to be sold.
Right now you need to protect your DD from the abuse.
Social services could help with this.
Speak to a solicitor first and foremost.
Some offer a reduced first appointment some offer a free half hour.
Do some googling and find recommended ones in your area.
Womens Aid and Rights of Women could also help you in all of this.
Give them a call.
Shelter could also help you.
Start making calls.
Knowledge is power.
He doesn't have to leave but if you separate and it's ordered then house will have to be sold.

Runforthehills857 Mon 15-Jun-20 14:22:06

Thank you all this is really helpful.

I'm struggling not because I'm hesitant to leave him but because I just dont know how (I know that sounds silly).

I guess a first step is to wait until he goes for a walk and research then call a solicitor.

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AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 15-Jun-20 14:23:15

Do contact both Women’s Aid and the Rights of women organisations here, both can and will help you.

He only cares for his own self, certainly not his daughter either. He is not the boss of you either and cannot tell you what you can and cannot do. Do not leave your daughter with him. I would contact the mortgage lender ASAP and inform them the relationship has broken down.

You also need legal advice too and I would urge you to contact a solicitor. He is going to remain abusive towards you post separation as well, he is not going to make life at all easy for you going forward.

funnylittlefloozie Mon 15-Jun-20 15:00:19

I'm so sorry about your friend - flowers for you.

Your DH is not the boss of you. Just because he says you are a bad mum, doesn't actually make it true. I could say i am a supermodel and cordon bleu cook... doesn't make it so. You dont need his permission to end the relationship. Tale your DD and the dog, and leave. Get a solicitor, and tell him you want your share of the equity in the house ASAP. A good solicitor may be able to find a way for you and DD (and dog) to stay put - on his money hes going to find it hard to buy you out AND pay maintenance for DD, so he's going to be best off making it easy for himself.

Cherrysoup Mon 15-Jun-20 16:21:13

Also, keep (very) secret notes of what he says to you and dd. This may prove useful in court.

Get legal advice re an occupation order. Can you afford the mortgage on your own?

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Mon 15-Jun-20 17:21:21

If you feel afraid phone 999. I had trouble with my xh and phoned 101 and they made an appointment with the police. They take domestic abuse very very seriously and if he kicks off they will arrest him. You can also get a non molestation order if he harasses you post separation. Again, they take these matters very seriously if you tell them about them and keep your evidence. You have lots of power, you can do this

Runforthehills857 Mon 15-Jun-20 17:37:57

Thank you all. I think I could afford it on my own. Life would be different but doable.

He has never ever been physically violent but when I said if he wouldn't go I would have to go with DD. He said there is no way he would be letting me take "his" DD in a sinister way. I do think he would physically stop me and she would freak out. He is 17 stone and I am 10ish. He knows I ultimately won't go without her.

OP’s posts: |
1235kbm Mon 15-Jun-20 18:13:38

OP contact Shelter who can talk to you about the house and what to do regarding that.

CABx guide to separation and divorce.

You can also call Gingerbread regarding child benefits, contact rights etc

FLOWS can guide you re a solicitor or take a look at the Family Law Panel. The ones with the purple ribbon are trained in DV.

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