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Advice on what to think/do

(64 Posts)
Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:28:05

My partner has recently started a new job, neither of us currently drive ( I was doing my lessons then corona happened! ) and he was originally getting a taxi to work. Now he’s worked there for around 3 months. He’ started getting a lift off someone from work he’d made friends with which obviously I thought helped a lot and I was quite happy to be saving money! He has to walk to meet this man, at first he told me it was just down the road by a couple of minutes so one night I told him I’ll walk with him to meet this man as I’ll pop to the shop (he does night shift). All of a sudden he told me he walks around 20 minutes to meet him and explained where it is, which isn’t the way he originally said at all. Thinking nothing of it I though ah it’s ok. A few weeks ago he’d had a drink on his night off and was going on about work. He started talking about some woman there. His eyes lit up and he wouldn’t stop going on about how funny she is etc... I thought she’s just a friend, obviously I won’t have a problem with friends lol. I added her on Facebook as she knows one of my best mates. She messaged my friend randomly asking why have I added her.. my friend replied you’re on my raffle page together that’s probably why. She then went on to say that I don’t have to worry about her ( i hadn’t said I was to anybody!). Anyway he told me (she also told my friend) she does the days there and they see each other for an hour before shop shuts... I’ve recently found out that she’s also on the night shift... last week my partner said that this man was having a week off work so he’d have to get taxis that week.. my friend had told me the week before that this girl was having that same week off. He got a lift on Thursday again and messaged me whilst at work saying ‘some girl at work said you added her on Facebook?’ I said ‘who?’ And he said ‘some (her name) girl’ I said ‘why does that matter?’ To which he didn’t reply. Something feels off. I feel as though he’s hiding something from me, she seemed worried when I had added her. The week off of work he spoke to me 24/7 at work (he told me he couldn’t have his phone out) now that this ‘man’ is back it’s back to barley anything! Also the way that he walks is right next to her house..? Am I over thinking? Could he really be getting lifts off her etc.. if he came to me and said that a girl at work offered him lifts and he assured me it was completely friendly I wouldn’t be too bothered...

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Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:30:46

Also he told me the other day he couldn’t find his tobacco, I rang him to say he’d left it at home I’d rang at least 3 times and he messaged saying can’t talk with (his name) in car? He refused to answer in front of ‘him’

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LorenzoVonMatterhorn Mon 15-Jun-20 01:31:30

Well he is clearly lying to you.

What do you want to do?

LorenzoVonMatterhorn Mon 15-Jun-20 01:32:27

How long have you been together? How long have you lived together? Do you have children? What ties you atm?

Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:33:28

We’ve been together 5 years, 3 children (baby 3 months ago!)

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LorenzoVonMatterhorn Mon 15-Jun-20 01:36:02

So you had your first very quickly. And Sounds like youve been busy raising babies since meeting him. You might be now seeing the real him.

What he like generally? Equal parent? Equal partner at home?

Whats your situation? Mat leave of no job?

Neveranynamesleft Mon 15-Jun-20 01:36:05

You added her on Facebook as she knows one of your best mates ? That's creepy for a start.

Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:37:18

Creepy? We’ve got 30 odd mutual friends lol..

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Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:38:19

Also we went to school together years ago.. spoke to her a few times then.

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LorenzoVonMatterhorn Mon 15-Jun-20 01:40:22

But she is not your friend. She is not your problem. Your partner is.
What is he is like normally? What has he been like over the past five years? Does he act like a respectful and equal partner on your home?

Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:41:36

Yes he has. Over the past year he’s become distant not giving as much attention etc... he does a lot with the kids, definitely does his bit regarding them

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LorenzoVonMatterhorn Mon 15-Jun-20 01:42:42

And the house and cooking? He does his share?

Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:43:55

We each have our different jobs, his washing doing the bins usually puts the kids to bed

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Neveranynamesleft Mon 15-Jun-20 01:45:16

Good old Facebook

LorenzoVonMatterhorn Mon 15-Jun-20 01:47:25

But he has definitely change in the past twelve months? Since you got pregnant with the third?

You are suspicious and sounds like he has a thing for this woman at work. Do you know the man’s name who gives him a lift? Have you tried asking specific questions about him? Name? Age? What he is like? What car does he drive? Just to see if your dp will answer freely. Even a simple innocent Question like what car might have him react in a weird way if he is hiding a woman, as it is a clue.

Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:50:20

Funnily enough, he’s described this man as exactly the same as my dad, the same name and car. He doesn’t know his last name apparently

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LorenzoVonMatterhorn Mon 15-Jun-20 01:54:53

Well, that doesnt sound at all suspicious...
Is he a liar with no imagination?

Put the kids in their pram tomorrow when he is getting ready to go to work and announce you're going with him for the fresh air.

Could you ask your mutual friend to find out if the woman gives anyone a life?

Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:56:14

I’m assuming he’s playing on something he knows I’d trust? Also I could ask

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Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:57:20

Yes definitely a big change. We usually celebrate our anniversary every year, even with just a card this year I got nothing...

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user1481840227 Mon 15-Jun-20 01:59:06

I would find it really odd tbh if a man started working with me and then his partner added me on social media!

Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 02:00:50

I didn’t add her because they work together, we have mutual friends she also sells things on Facebook like clothes etc. I had gotten an invite to her page way before he started working there!

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Whataloadofshite Mon 15-Jun-20 02:02:28

Has it not occured to you that they're both worried about you adding her, because this is instant paranoid flying off the handle suspicion? It's 2020, people of opposing genders can be friends, but many hide that because of ridiculous dated attitudes to it by paranoid partners.

If you think he's cheating, ask him out right, don't dither about with it. If he isn't and he's just making new friends, then you need to apologise.

user1481840227 Mon 15-Jun-20 02:03:07

Well it must look to her like you did if she asked about you!

Whataloadofshite Mon 15-Jun-20 02:03:39


I didn’t add her because they work together, we have mutual friends she also sells things on Facebook like clothes etc. I had gotten an invite to her page way before he started working there!

No, you added her because you want to see who she is because you're snooping.

Cat112344 Mon 15-Jun-20 02:05:14

First of all, I have already said if he was getting lifts off her he could’ve told me. He has many girls as friends, I have boys as friends. I am 100% not like that in a relationship. I don’t like the way he’s lied to me about certain things when he knows he doesn’t have to. I’m not the type of partner where he can’t breathe, he has more of a social life than me! I’ve said I have a bad feeling about it, not that I think they’re jumping into bed together!

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