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Is this mental abuse?(24 Posts)
I have a 15 year old, a 5 year old and am 4 months pregnant. My 15 year old has always been really boy crazy which I put down to her dad being an absent father.
I had my 15 year old daughter when I was 17 (pregnant at 16) and raised her as a single mum, working full time - which was tough.
I since met a new partner, when my 15 year old was 9, we brought a home together, have a 5 year old and we are now expecting our third.
There have recently (for the past 6 months to a year) been some rather worrying comments from him regarding my 15 year old. I would love your opinion on this example:
My 15 year old has a boyfriend who I allow her to meet up with. During this pandemic either of them have rarely seen each other and today I let her meet with him out the front of our house. He is not allowed in our home as dad is really strict with boys coming in to the house (and apparently outside of the house too!).
Our 5 year old decided to go out the front to show her sister a drawing (and her bf of which 5 year old has met previously and knows from her sister's school). Dad runs out to tell 5 year old to come in. I asked him why she can't show them a picture to which he responded "because I am not letting my 6 year old see that", I replied, what do you mean by 'that' and he said "I don't want her to see her relationship. I said ok but why, I don't understand? When 15 year old turns into an adult in 2 1/2 years she will be allowed a bf here. 5 year old will then be 8. He replied:
You are a bad mother, you are an absolute joke and should see someone, you give bad guidance, the reason your daughter lost her virginity at 13 is because of you, your daughter does not have respect for herself, you will see a difference between your daughter and mine because of how I will raise my children, 6 year old will have better guidance and self respect and won't lose her virginity at 13, 6 year old will be a lot more respectful, you have not brought up your 15 year old well, the reason she is like this is because of you, 15 year old has no respect for adults, herself is rude, selfish, disorganised, leaves plates there. When 15 year old has issues when she is older it is because of you as a parent, she is like this because of you and [your ex] (he said this knowingly that ex has never been around). You need a crash course on parenting because after 13 years you still have no clue.
What is your view on this?
Did she 'lose her virginity' at 13? Was it to an older guy- if so you could speak to the police as that's rape. I think I would speak to the police whatever age the boy was. I know some people do start that young, but still.
If you're letting her meet her boyf in the front garden, I don't think that's letting her run wild.
He sounds a bit misogynistic to me.
@Interestedwoman no she lost it to her first boyfriend who was in the year above her. Very young and silly but was glad she told me so I could try my best to advise her. It did upset me
All else aside, he is a complete wanker. Why the hell would you let someone who talks to you like that remain in your life?
I suggest 'I'll set our daughters a good example now then. You're dumped, you mysoginistic arsehole. Cheerybye!'.
Also, it is your duty to protect your daughter from the drivel he is spouting.
Yes its not ideal to lose your virginity at 13 but he is basically slut shaming a young girl. For the past year you say too.
It isnt ok op, tell him to pack his bags and do one.
He’s he thinks he’s better than you and he sees a woman’s value is what’s between her legs. His demeaning misogyny will infect your 15 yr with self esteem issues, sounds like she’s already seeking male attention elsewhere to compensate. He’s telling you he plans to be horribly controlling with his daughter which will either result in a broken codependent or a huge possibly self harming rebellion. And if the baby is a boy he will be the golden child and prioritised in every way over all the lesser females.
He sounds like my ex, he had a low opinion of you. I would dump him
That is absolutely horrible that he used personal, intimate details from your daughter’s life to – well to what? Trash her character and declare she herself is evidence of your failure as a parent. How dare he. How absolutely insulting and intrusive for her. How do you think your daughter feels hearing that (and she will have heard). He sounds like he has no respect for either of you, and he clearly doesn’t regard her as truly his family.
He sounds utterly vile and misogynistic.
So you're not a good parent but you're good enough to bear children for him? Will you not be allowed to tell your 5 year old your age incase she works out you were 17 when you had dd?
Aside from that he clearly harbours some unpleasant opinions of your daughter.
I think you need to consider whether this man is an influence you want around your children(and you). I appreciate how difficult this is with a young child and one on the way but this sounds like it could be the beginnings of controlling behaviour (and we know from research that pregnancy is a risk factor for the start of domestic abuse)
What a vile excuse for a man. Can he leave|?Do not tolerate his behaviour. Dump Dump Dump.
Wow! What an outburst! He needs counseling and I wonder how he treats your daughter when you're not around? Worrying. Stand up to him, he will either back down and apologies or show his true colours!! Good luck xxx
Thank you all for your comments - I really appreciate your effort to respond. It is a ongoing struggle and most definitely something I need to make a strong stance on as I won't continue to be treated in this way for my sake and the sake of all of my children. Thank you again xx
Oh my word OP, what a truly awful way to be spoken too.
I guess it's not the first time?
Is this the first time he has spelt out so clearly exactly what he thinks of you?
I think you should have a very very good think about this relationship and continuing with another pregnancy with a man like that.
I think you should focus on protecting your daughter and your 5 year old from him.
He sounds like a deeply unpleasant man who has really spelt out the truth.
Absolutely appalling. How dare he speak to you like that?!
He's abusive toward you and your daughter and intends being even more abusive to the younger one.
I don't see anything you can do that will fix this.
That's absolutely appaling. How dare he speak to you like that or speak about your daughter like that. What a misogynistic arsehole. I have a 14 year old and would be horrified if my DH (also her stepdad) spoke about her or to me like that. And while I'd be upset if she'd lost her virginity so young I'd be glad she confided in me. And what is he objecting to your dd2 seeing? Dd1 talking to a boy? The horror! They're hardly going to be shagging on the front lawn are they? As others have said I bet if the baby is a boy he'll be the golden child that can do no wrong.
If all of those things he said are true, he is STILL in the wrong.
If you think your partner is not parenting well, that is not how you tell them. Anybody who cared about you would approach it in a gentle manner, making the utmost effort not to hurt your feelings.
I agree with pp who said the best parenting you can do right now is to leave him, thereby demonstrating to your kids that you have strong boundaries and self respect.
He is totally in the wrong. It's dreadful treatment and he is out of order speaking to you like that and the way he talked about your daughter.
Any decent man would not say that crap he has been spouting, rather be supportive and understand. Hes an asshole straight up
I have been a Therapist for the last 15 years. I have had similar clients like yourself. That must of been really difficult for you to raise a child so young. Shocking to hear those things we’re said to you and I am sorry you had to go through that. There seems to be some sort of upset towards your children having a relationship so young and it looks like to me he doesn’t want them to get into the same situation you did when you were 16. Were these things said out of anger or is this everyday abuse? Myself being a father of 4 girls, I would say I am very protective over them. Especially as kids in this day and age are growing up too quickly and not wanting to enjoy the simple things in life. It really doesn’t help he knows your daughter lost her V so young as he will do whatever he can to stop that from happening to your youngest. For the simple fact that you two have been together for so long must mean something considering you are having another together. I would advise to sit and talk about the problem. I am certain things can resolved. The best thing we can do for our kids as parents is work out our problems together instead of walking away from them.
I am certain things can resolved
Based on what?
I was in a similar situation with an older child who was from a previous relationship and a younger child from the relationship. The Ex was a control freak but not very successful at anything really. I could not control me so he took his revenge on the DC. I got rid of him fairly fast but the damage was already done and continued to be done.
Get rid of him quick smart and try to keep all your children away from him. He is not realistic in his expectations, I bet his bio kids could turn out a whole lot worse than his current step daughter.
I am a bit questioning of why he is so angry that your daughter was sitting in the garden talking to her boyfriend. I could be way off here but I don't think he has the right attitude. What did he think the young people could do in full view of your house and probably a street full of houses. I would be very wary.
Please get rid for the sake of all your children and yourself.
sounds like he's hell bent on bullying YOUR daughter and is/will be deliberately creating a wedge between you and HIS children.
As you can see - HE has made a clear distinction between YOUR children.....
Oh...and he's basically calling you a whore/slapper for getting pregnant at 16...and that YOU are not a fit role model for HIS children.....
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