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WWYD - Considering moving back in during divorce

(8 Posts)
Shutyoureyes Sun 14-Jun-20 20:38:07

Hi, would appreciate some advice, I might be being mad here.
So, I moved out around a year ago, marriage finally came to a total end at the end of last year. There has been some emotional abuse and coercion, depression and suicide threats on his part, and he made things unbearable arguing in front of the two teens, so I moved to rented as he wouldn't leave the joint owned home (it was my choice to end the marriage, he doesn't accept any blame). Kids share time roughly equally, I know it has affected them, especially youngest DD (14) who spends more time with me.
Divorce is just at Decree Nisi stage (he has signed but not yet processed by court) and we are currently discussing finances through solicitors. We are barely on speaking terms. He wants to be able stay in the house until DD leaves education, neither can afford to buy the other out, in the meantime, I could only afford to keep renting, but I want to sell so I can buy my own place an have a fresh start. Kids (17 and 14/almost 15) understand are happy for the house to be sold, I've discussed this part with them.
I'm considering biting the bullet and moving back in, into the spare bedroom. I'm really hesitant, but I feel like he's currently pushing me out of my home and he has the upper hand to do as he wishes. The place is a mess & needs a good clean and needs a bit of work to sell, so I could do that too while there. I also strongly suspect he has recently started seeing someone (I hope so), and I know he won't be at all happy for me to move back in, so it would make things uncomfortable for him too.
Would you even consider moving back? Hopefully short term pain to force resolving the finances and be able to sort out the house condition, or not worth the potential mental turmoil (me and the kids)?

OP’s posts: |
Checkingcrosses866 Sun 14-Jun-20 20:41:42

Unless there are major financial benefits to moving back I wouldn't even consider it. What would they be exactly?

Shutyoureyes Sun 14-Jun-20 20:49:45

Well, mortgage would be cheaper than rent. But mainly to get and keep the house in good condition to sell to get a good price. He's not looking after it well.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 14-Jun-20 20:49:47

No to moving back. He is abusive and he would just revert to type.

Let your solicitor deal with him, no man is above the law.

Whataloadofshite Sun 14-Jun-20 20:52:28

This is a really terrible idea.

managinged Sun 14-Jun-20 20:54:10

No, no, no, no, no!!!!!

You would be crazy to move back in again. Your solicitor should be negotiating your financial settlement for you. Eventually your soon to be ex-husband will have to face reality. The house will have to be sold.

If you moved back in, the tension and stress will be unbearable. Your children would have to witness that. Don't do it. It will be months of misery for you.

Shutyoureyes Sun 14-Jun-20 20:59:51

Thanks!
I know you're right really, my stomachs tenses up thinking about it. Stupid idea.
I'm just so frustrated he gets to stay in our nice home while I have to rent here and he has more say over it than me and still not look after it. Maybe I was hoping he'd move out if I moved back, but he probably wouldn't anyway.

OP’s posts: |
theprincessmittens Sun 14-Jun-20 21:19:20

I actually did this when I was divorcing my 1st husband. I'd moved out, and my mother sub-let her flat to me as she'd got a live in job. After only 2 months she decided she didn't like the job and was moving back in. The main reason I'd got married at 21 was to get away from my parents - my mother made it clear that they would disown me if I lived with my then boyfriend (this was 30 years ago and my mother is a practising Catholic).

I tried living with my mother for a month and she was having a very bad affect on my mental health (I'm bipolar). The divorce process was stuck as my ex H refused to give me even half the equity in the house...he could easily afford the mortgage on his own, I was only working part time and even full time my wage wasn't enough. My ex H had also started seeing someone else 2 weeks after I moved out...

So I deliberately moved back in to try and force some movement on the divorce. It is not something I would recommend at all - I was 'lucky' because we had no children, but it was still incredibly hard living somewhere where the other resident really doesn't want you there. I had to wait 3 months before my ex H finally realised that giving me all the equity (there was only £7K) was a very cheap way of getting rid of me once and for all. He sold the house for 4 times what we paid for it less than 5 years later...

You've already said that there was 'unbearable arguing' in front of your children before you left - believe me, this will happen again and probably get worse if you move back in.

Please don't do this to your children, it's not fair on them.

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