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I have been silenced.......................

(105 Posts)
ConcentricCircles Sun 14-Jun-20 19:33:14

Where to begin.After knowing each other for 8 years, my partner persuaded me to live with him so that we could sort and decorate this house, then search for a joint house and thus have a 'rest of our lives' fabulous time together.
Well, it isn't. He's lazy. will only clean up when suggested to. Only bathes approx twice a week. Won't cook. Makes no effort to go out except to do what suits him, spending most of the time in the corner of the room on his screen telling me he expects me to be silent and not disturb him. etc.
I feel I have been lied to.
I'm now in the spare room as the bedroom stinks so much due to his lack of hygiene.
He tells me he has anxiety, so I've worked with that. Tried to boost his self esteem/confidence, bit my tongue when things don't get done as if I do say anything he closes his eyes, does big sighs, then goes to bed, making me feel bad.
Yesterday - and not for the first time - he blew up at me, no sign of anxiety , yelled, swore and stormed off to bed. He's still there. He did get up this morning, but for once I was really cross and told him in no uncertain terms that after 4 years of this, I've had enough, that he needs to see a doc if his anxiety is that bad. He then closed his eyes, sighed and went back to bed, and is still there.

Is this really how anxiety manifests itself? I knew him for 8 years previous to moving in and had no sign of it apart from him cancelling a couple of weekends as he needed 'some quiet time', which I though nothing of.

So, I have learned to know my place. I have been silenced...........he thinks!

I've decided to leave and move somewhere I've always wanted to live. I've spent the day searching for jobs and places to rent. I've found a place where, in my head, I'm living already..................

............and I feel so bloody sad. What a waste.

OP’s posts: |
Lordamighty Sun 14-Jun-20 19:41:23

Don’t feel sad be excited for your new life away from the joy sucker.

DiscoInFurlough Sun 14-Jun-20 19:43:45

Stick M People "Moving on Up" on and dance like crazy about your new life.

Life is far too short for joy suckers.

It might be fine for him (it seems a lot of men are this way) but its not fine for you, so make the break. You will feel a weight off your shoulders.

SmokedGlass Sun 14-Jun-20 19:45:17

Poor you, you’re experiencing who he really is now
He doesn’t sound very nice if you don’t mind me saying
All the best with your decision to leave, you don’t deserve to be with someone so yuck
What the hell would he be like in another 8 years? rancid 😂😂

TwentyViginti Sun 14-Jun-20 19:46:15

He now has you where he wants you, so no need to make any effort. Anxiety my arse. He's just another lazy abusive twat.

Happynow001 Sun 14-Jun-20 19:48:25

.*I've decided to leave and move somewhere I've always wanted to live. I've spent the day searching for jobs and places to rent. I've found a place where, in my head, I'm living already..................*

Good for you, @ConcentricCircles, on taking decisive action. He is really showing you his true colours now you are in "his" space.

What is your financial position? You mention "searching for jobs". Did you own your home before? Do you have some cash behind you in order to rent? I didn't see mention of children in thus relationship?

Good luck OP. You are going through some tough times but, at the end of the day, it's his loss. The idiot. 🌹

Interestedwoman Sun 14-Jun-20 19:48:55

You can't even sleep next to him as he smells so bad. Ugh!

And stroppy with it.

You're doing the right thing- Bin. xxx

Cheesecakejar Sun 14-Jun-20 19:51:52

This was me 3.5 years ago, now have an amazing husband and child. It was the best thing I ever did and I can't tell you the relief, I honestly still cry now and again thinking about what life with him was like 😔 you are doing the best thing for yourself, you have made a brilliant decision and will have an amazing life without him! Go for it and keep us updated with your new and fabulous life 😊

Cheesecakejar Sun 14-Jun-20 19:52:36

Mine didn't brush his teeth for about 3 years 🤢🤢🤢 vile!!

Flymetothetoon Sun 14-Jun-20 19:56:53

Well done Concentricircles maybe ask MNHQ to change your thread title to something more positive!

You haven't been silenced you have awakened and smelt the coffee!

ConcentricCircles Sun 14-Jun-20 20:00:55

Oh, you lot! I'm sat here with tears because I thought it was because I 'didn't understand what he is going through' and yet you've all agreed with me that I've been had! Bastard!

Thank the stars you're all here....and thank you too.

The worst thing is I had always been single and independent until I moved here, and because he was too, I thought things would be shared 50/50.
I've been on here a few years and tbh a few things he said didn't ring true when held up against what I'd read on here. He knows I'm on here having my eyes rapidly opened, and I think this is why he's ramped it up with the silencing thing.

@Happynow001 - I do have some cash but also part time work that I can take with me. However, I would feel better with a few extra hours, so I've seen some school jobs advertised for starting in Sept, and can also privately tutor.I'm also heading for 60 pretty rapidly so no dependants......just my furniture which I've lovingly restored over the to take that!

OP’s posts: |
madcatladyforever Sun 14-Jun-20 20:03:21

He doesn't have anxiety he is just a lazy filthy shit. He thinks he can behave how he likes now he has you.

Run like hell, enjoy the look of horror on his face, have a wonderful time.

madcatladyforever Sun 14-Jun-20 20:04:44

P.S My ex stank as well, the whole bedroom stunk of his disgusting bad breath and unwashed body and he never suffered from anxiety he just had poor hygiene, then he used to whinge when I didn't want to have sex with him, but I'd have vomited he stank so badly.

ConcentricCircles Sun 14-Jun-20 20:05:33

@Cheesecakejar - I'm so glad things have turned out so well for you, I wish your family a fabulous lifetime together......but oh gawd...the teeth brushing thing, this one doesn't do it either. In fact we've not had sex for 3 years thanks to his full top to toe rankness, though I suppose if you're gonna do it, then do it big style.

OP’s posts: |
Hidingtonothing Sun 14-Jun-20 20:11:05

You're allowed a moment or two of sadness to mourn the loss of who you thought he was and the future you thought you would have OP but it's not sad that you're leaving what he actually turned out to be, it's happy and exciting and a massive relief but not sad smile You sound lovely, and strong and your new future is going to be all yours, with no one sucking the joy out of it, good for you flowers

Middersweekly Sun 14-Jun-20 20:11:23

Good for you @OP
You deserve to be happy! It sounds like you’ve got a plan In place already. Go for it!

ConcentricCircles Sun 14-Jun-20 20:11:35

I really needed to say this all out loud and am so glad you were all here, as I've never been 'allowed' to mention his 'anxiety' to anyone - now I know why. I am feeling so angry.

@madcatladyforever - my stomach is heaving for you envy -not envy!

OP’s posts: |
FizzyGreenWater Sun 14-Jun-20 20:13:32

You will never put up with this again grin

Such a fantastic lesson.

your furniture sounds fab.


laidbacklife Sun 14-Jun-20 20:13:38

Oh my. Leave and do not look back. Do not give another iota of yourself to him. You are clearly far more motivated and will achieve way more than him. Definitely go explore a new area where you’ve always wanted to live. Life is too short!

ShebaShimmyShake Sun 14-Jun-20 20:18:06

It could be how anxiety manifests itself, and he may have a genuine mental health issue, but you're not obliged to make it your responsibility.

Jezebel101 Sun 14-Jun-20 20:19:14

Dance all the way over that rainbow.

You've learnt a lesson about limits, and the great thing is he probably has too.Enjoy your new life!

Bluetrews25 Sun 14-Jun-20 20:19:47

That's not anxiety, that is twat.
He wanted a free housekeeper he could also use in the bedroom. Who might also pay for that dubious honour.
So glad you have woken and are smelling coffee.
Onwards and upwards.

AtaMarie Sun 14-Jun-20 20:20:13

Good on you OP - you’ll have a wonderful life while he wallows in his own stink.

user1972548274 Sun 14-Jun-20 20:22:39

I am so glad you've got a plan to get out of this situation.

VictoriaBun Sun 14-Jun-20 20:25:40

Just one question - when ? Hopefully your answer is asap !
Tbh it sounds like you need to leave as soon as you've put everything in place. Go and don't look backflowers

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