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Had to choose

(61 Posts)
Randomlettersmake Sun 14-Jun-20 15:26:46

Posting here for extra answers

We are in a heartbreaking unfair situation.

I have a fiance of five years and we have lived together for 4. I have 3 children from previous relationship aged 14, 12 and 8. He has 2 children aged 11 and 7. We have one child together aged 6 months. We are all white.

His ex has 2 other children aged under 6 and 1 older child (about 15). These children are both of mixed heritage (black fathers). She currently has a black husband. She and my fiance split up when their younger child was a baby. Things were cordial but over time, they have deteriorated. More since we got together and had a baby and got engaged.

My ex has been going for 50/50 custody up from fortnightly weekends and a bit longer on holidays and his ex has been fighting it. They are not cordial any more and do not speak at all. The ex says that the environment and home we provide is not in keeping with her values and it would be "damaging" if they spend more time in our company.

She has collected various social media posts of myself and my family (even my kids dad) as evidence and we have had numerous interviews with legal professionals mediators, psychologists and social workers on both sides. The evidence she has presented basically says that me and my family are racist and homophobic. It was all things to do with Brexit and the election and support of the army (my brother is a soldier). We were assured by solicitor in January that nothing she provided was racist and is covered under free speech but it now seems we are at a point (advised by same solicitors and mediators) that it would be best if my fiance moved out if he wants to keep regular overnight access with his children. Otherwise his ex has agreed that he can see the children at his parents house and stay there with them (40 miles away from us) one weekend a month and visit them and take them out where they live one weekend day a week with their baby sibling (our baby) but not their step siblings (my three). He has occasional friendly contact with his children's older brother (sends him money for Xmas and birthdays) so will probably see him too when he is there.

Much of what the children has said has not been made open to us or their mum. Just summaries of their views (is this usual?). They said they like me and get on well with me but my family can be loud and scary and they drink a lot (clairifed: more than their mum or dad's family but nobody being sick or falling over) at family events.

So now they have said that he should move out for the time being and try and rebuild with his kids 50/50 custody or accept this other arrangement because he might get even less if he continues. They might say no overnight or holidays and only visits.

His parents adore their grandchildren and have said it is sad but might be for the best for now and told him that he could live near them and they will help him with the children when he has them (including ours).

I feel like they think we are trash and I am terrified my fiance will leave me. We were thinking about setting a date for wedding and last night I said to him "well we cant think about the wedding for now maybe forever" and he didn't even say anything just huffed.

We have not seen them since mid March due to pandemic and they seem more and more distant from their dad when they do speak a few times a week. The 15 year old eldest boy posted a picture of him with all his siblings on Instagram talking about being a mixed family and the riots going on and my fiance just showed it to me and stayed quiet the whole night.

I can't condemn my family so he can keep his kids stay here. What else can we do?

OP’s posts: |
illclapwheniminpressed Sun 14-Jun-20 22:54:01

Well he either does what his ex has requested for the dc or he chooses what makes you feel more comfortable

This isn't about you and your family. You can still see them and attend parties.

This is about what is better for the dc, and what she has requested is acceptable.

You should be more concerned with your dp's parents, they seem to support the idea. Parents do prefer it when the partner isn't their, they have more involvement but I could be wrong.

Kabakofte Sun 14-Jun-20 23:08:03

It is about her and her family, they have a child together!!

Kabakofte Sun 14-Jun-20 23:15:16

Why did your DP decide to push for 50 50? If this has not been the usual arrangement it was bound to elicit a negative response, I see the response has been an extreme one but maybe he needs to back off and accept the current status quo with them. Dragging kids into custody battles never ends well and it's not about the ex winning, if the kids are happy and settled with their mum maybe that's where they should reside for the majority of the time.

Opentooffers Sun 14-Jun-20 23:19:09

It's tricky, I wonder why he is going for 50/50 anyway? Not many men do and to be fair although I have my son 100%, in reality since secondary school I haven't seen much of him as he's either in his room or out with friends, so in practice you don't see older children that much anyway as they naturally pull away and don't want to hang out with parents.
If I was you I think I'd be a bit miffed that he's brought all this about and is considering being apart from your younger child as a possible sacrifice to the cause. Why is EOW not enough for him? Does he work or would you be looking after his kids 50/50? Is that why she's concerned about your input?

SandyY2K Sun 14-Jun-20 23:23:32

It's best he moves out. If the comments made by your family have no racist or homophobic undertones, why would they be interpreted as such?

I don't know what else is going on, but a couple of comments some white friends have made all..has made me question their feelings deep down.

MLouise84 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:41:30

Honestly, I'd end the relationship. His ex's requirements are extreme and I just couldn't be arsed with it all.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 14-Jun-20 23:46:44

How would you “condemning” your family help? What would that look like anyway?

The situation sounds incredibly fraught.

Aerial2020 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:49:03

Something doesn't add up or is missing.
They've suggested he moves out,away from your child together, for 50-50 access for his other kids because of social media posts show your family are racist?
There must be more to it. It is never that simple.

purpleme12 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:53:10

I am also wondering what these non racist posts were cos this all seems very strange that they would be advising these are the only options if nothing bad has happened here?

Pollypocket89 Sun 14-Jun-20 23:55:27

Why are people so quick to say leave him or he should move out? Why does the baby not get to have their father around or op have his support to parent the baby?

HeddaGarbled Mon 15-Jun-20 00:02:51

I wonder whether it’s the children’s feelings about your family being “loud and scary” that is the significant factor here, rather than the alleged racism and drunkenness. Would it make a difference if your step children were never exposed to your family?

illclapwheniminpressed Mon 15-Jun-20 00:24:03

@Kabakofte she said the baby would attend contact with the df.
She didn't say she had an issue with that

The complaint was about her adult family members and Racism oh and Alcohol and Loudness which should be around any DC.

But I guess from your tone that you yourself are the second family too, so want to think everyone has a issues which I don't.

Kabakofte Mon 15-Jun-20 12:18:51

@illclapwheniminpressed
I just meant that the situation is tricky as the father has kids in both camps and prioritising the first set and moving out seems very unsatisfactory. He has a young baby, why should OP be without her partner to help her raise the child they've had together.
I'm not a 2nd family at all, I have no background, my first reaction was simply that OP is justified in thinking about her family as well as concern for the other kids involved. It sounds like a bit of a nightmare.

Kabakofte Mon 15-Jun-20 12:20:02

@illclapwheniminpressed
Actually reading our posts I don't think we are in disagreement!

needhandhold Tue 16-Jun-20 19:10:33

Let this be a lesson to you to cut out the social media trash talking. Everybody thinks they know best and airs every bit of dirty laundry. Nobody cares what your views are because you aren’t famous or special but they’ve now caused this. Shut down all your social media and keep yourself to yourself. You’ve just had your life ruined because you just have to tell the world what you think about Brexit. This is why my kids won’t ever be getting Facebook or Twitter. Ever. It’s ridiculous. Why on earth did he go for 50/50 anyway? He should have just stuck with what he had. She’s brought him down a peg or two right. It’s probably best he does what she wants then. It’s not forever. It’s until they are teens and can’t decide for themselves where they go. If you are ranting on Facebook about Brexit then she’s probably got good cause to not want her kids around such toxic view points

Blanca87 Tue 16-Jun-20 19:32:55

Sorry but when people say 'it was just free speech' it seems like a get out of being racist or homophobic. I don't blame her wanting to protect her children being exposed to obnoxious, racist chat from your family. The fact you are unwilling to challenge or condem those views from your family speaks volumes, too.

MLouise84 Tue 16-Jun-20 21:35:44

@Blanca87 I've actually found the opposite to be true......exercising your right to freedom of speech, can result in you being called racist. I was called racist for refusing to vote labour. Apparently believing immigration should be capped (because we're massively overpopulated and our NHS is struggling, and many schools are over subscribed) must mean I'm racist.

MLouise84 Tue 16-Jun-20 21:40:36

@needhandhold so does voting Brexit make you racist?

Shoxfordian Tue 16-Jun-20 21:45:09

Hmm
What exactly did you say on facebook?

Raella50 Tue 16-Jun-20 21:51:44

This doesn’t make any sense. There must be more to it.

BluebellForest836 Tue 16-Jun-20 22:02:47

Why would you finance moving out even be a option ... you have a baby together confused

As soon as that come up it should of been turned down straight away.

BluebellForest836 Tue 16-Jun-20 22:05:31

@needhandhold - Jesus Christ, voting Brexit doesn’t make you racist.

Why shouldn’t a dad be able to have 50/50 of his own children...? They are half hishmm

Blanca87 Wed 17-Jun-20 12:43:47

@MLouise84 could you show me the empirical evidence to substantiate hyperbolic, racist claims.... P. S daily mail, national front and Facebook do not count.

MLouise84 Wed 17-Jun-20 22:04:04

@Blanca87 as I said in my comment, it's based on my own personal experience. Someone actually asked if I was racist when I said I'd voted in favour of Brexit. I wouldn't dream of admitting that I voted in favour of Brexit on Facebook, the far left would lose their minds.

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