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Advice needed on whether I should split from husband.

(11 Posts)
Sarahneedscoffee Sun 14-Jun-20 09:05:14

So...right now I feel exhausted in my relationship. We havent been married long but we have been together since we were 15 and now were both 28. We share children together, own a house and from the outside looking in, we have the perfect life. But my husband is always shouting at me or the kids, he doesnt help out around the house. I suffered with a bad illness for 4 weeks and I was unbearably unwell and he stood there watching as i hovered the stairs unable to breathe?! He has no compassion, no passion or love. But one thing i do have is security.

We dont even have anything in common, it feels as though we have grown apart and away from each other. We have no common interests, he even refused to watch a movie together. I cannot tell you the last time he gave me a cuddle, we are completely separate.

I discussed this with him and he brushed it all aside. He said fine I will leave the house, knowing that it was a bluff. Logistics like this become harder when there are young children 6 and 4.

I dont know I'm so confused and stressed right now I just need some advice.

OP’s posts: |
TwentyViginti Sun 14-Jun-20 09:11:04

First, why on earth were you hoovering while so unwell?

Second, this relationship is done. He doesn't even like you. Accept that, and you're half way to getting a better life for yourself.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 14-Jun-20 09:16:04

You met when you were 15 and therefore had no real life experience behind you. Do not become 29 or even get into your 30s and be in this self same situation you describe. Not infrequently, people are simply afraid to move on with their lives and take their own responsibility for happiness. Is that you here?.

Security counts for bugger all when you are in a loveless marriage like this and that is no reason to stay. You cannot and should not stay within such a loveless marriage because of some sense of security (which btw is false). He would happily see you move out leaving him with your children, he cares not for your security and nor that matter for his children.

Seek legal advice with a view to separation and divorce.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Do you really want to show them that yes a loveless marriage could well become their norm too, its really no legacy to be leaving them. You cannot and must not keep on doing your bit here to show them in particular that this could become their norm too. You and for that matter they deserve better.

Louise000000 Sun 14-Jun-20 17:01:23

@AttilaTheMeerkat I read your response and could have guessed it was you from your view point grin you gave myself some great advice when I was contemplating leaving my dh!
Op, I did end it with my dh and never been happier and never looked back.
Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with this man? Can you imagine going on a trip or a holiday just the 2 of you? Both of these thoughts put the fear in me and I knew what I had to do.
You are still so young and have the rest of your life ahead of you, settling for security in your 20s seems mad.

Pessismistic Sun 14-Jun-20 17:23:21

This is awful situation ur going through but security isn’t everything you would split everything anyway in a divorce but a man who can do that whilst ur unwell has no feelings for you why stay? there young enough to deal with the changes I don’t how u cleaned up but I certainly wouldn’t stay with a man who can do this to me I bet you had to take care of the dc too they are half his responsibility but if u did you might aswell be single parent get out as soon as lockdown is over you will get help initially.

Andy85 Sun 14-Jun-20 17:53:54

I have found people on this site very quick to advise ending relationships. This doesnt sound great at all but sometimes there is more than meets the eye. There are 2 sides to every story.
I would try again to talk to him about how you feel. But do not criticise him or blame him. Try to find out how he feels about the relationship and if he still loves you. Tell him you are concerned for your relationship and future and you want to build on it together, but do not say it in a threatening way. Any negativity, blame, threats etc will not be met well. You should both talk openly, listening to each other without judgement, have empathy for each other, support each other and be clear that the purpose of the discussion is to repair the flaws in the relationship together as a team.
If you cant do that then it may be time to move on.

Andy85 Sun 14-Jun-20 18:00:30

Sorry, to add... before beginning the conversation ensure that you are both on board with having the conversation with the view to repairing the relationship, and that you are both equal in doing so.

FruitPastillesaregood Sun 14-Jun-20 18:05:12

Absolutely leave him as soon as you can. This sounds soul destroying.

Namenic Sun 14-Jun-20 18:12:21

It sounds good to talk to him about how you feel and see if he would like to work on it and go to counselling? - as andy85 suggested

user283789563 Sun 14-Jun-20 18:18:09

My Mum stuck a kid under each arm and a suitcase in her teeth and went back home to her Mum in a similar situation - about your age, kids about the same ages, unhappy marriage.

Definitely the right decision. I'm about the age now that her Mum was then, so I've had plenty of time to conclude that!

If he really said "right I'll leave" though, I'd be tempted to pack up his things and send him off to his Mum. Be civil, take the "he deserves to live with someone he loves and sadly that's not me" :P line, file for divorce.

You only get one life flowers

Happynow001 Sun 14-Jun-20 20:12:28

* I was unbearably unwell and he stood there watching as i hovered the stairs unable to breathe?!*
OP do you think you had Covid-19? Have you had a test?
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/coronavirus-covid-19-antibody-tests/coronavirus-covid-19-antibody-testss_
or dial 111 for information.

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