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Meeting someone after 50

(48 Posts)
Endless11 Sun 14-Jun-20 08:51:21

There seem to be two opinions on this - one camp which says it is very difficult and women kind of become “invisible” (have just read that somewhere), the other which says a relationship is possible at any age.

So I guess I wanted to ask about your experiences of meeting someone after 50 - or of knowing other people who have?

I am 51 and have had one relationship (long marriage which ended due to emotional abuse), and if I think that that’s it for me (which I sometimes do) I feel so sad. That wasn’t love and I so would like to experience a loving and kind relationship sad.

OP’s posts: |
Cambionome Sun 14-Jun-20 09:23:33

I would be interested in hearing about other people's experiences at this age too. I think online dating is probably quite difficult for women over 50 but not sure what other options there are. confused

Ragwort Sun 14-Jun-20 09:31:20

My divorced friend (mid 50s) has found it really difficult to meet anyone genuine on a dating site but friends of similar age have met people the old fashioned way - through mutual interests. One friend met a lovely guy (widower) through a local walking group.

I know you read of some successful matches online but to me it always feels so contrived, personally I would approach it in the way you look for new friends generally, get out in the community, join groups & organisations, keep busy. You may or may not meet 'someone special' but at least you will be spending your time doing something you enjoy rather than endlessly looking on dating websites & sending messages which can seem a bit false.

I have suggested this to my friend many times but she leads an exceptionally busy life and almost has the attitude that 'find a boyfriend' is something to put on your to do list between booking a holiday and getting the boiler fixed .....

litterbird Sun 14-Jun-20 09:39:54

I was left single at 50. It was a devastating time and launched myself into OLD. It was terribly painful as there are many men out there not suitable. I was dating for 4 years on and off. It was like another full time job, exhausting. I did try to build a couple of relationships that didn't work. I stopped OLD and met my now boyfriend last year. We had known each other from years ago and he invited me to his gig. He is 64. We have been together ever since. Strangely if I had seen him on an OLD profile I probably would not have entertained him! So be open to anyone who comes along and give them a chance.

TigerDater Sun 14-Jun-20 09:47:50

I’m 57, bespectacled, size 16-18 ie normal middle aged woman. I finally ended my 30 year marriage in 2015 but it had been on the rocks since 2008, when sex ended. It didn’t even occur to me to date until the end of 2017, when I was 54. At that time I just wanted to check that I was not invisible! Turned out I wasn’t (I used Tinder). Then I thought I’d see whether sex was something I might still enjoy. Turned out I did, a lot, way more than I ever did with XH. Then I thought about whether finding a new long-term partner might add to my life. I’m still working on this one. I’ve found a younger man who makes me feel loved and desired in a way I have never been before, but I’m not completely sure I feel the same way about him. I’m seeing how it goes.

So, to sum up. Love yourself for who you are, don’t worry about your age/appearance as confidence is what is appealing to men. Start when you’re ready. Take one step at a time. Seek out experiences. Put yourself first ALWAYS. And enjoy the freedom!

TheMotherofAllDilemmas Sun 14-Jun-20 10:13:28

I think it is a mined field, the older you are the more difficult it is.

Main problem is that as we get older we become less flexible, we know what we want, what we don’t and are not prepared to be wasting time with people who may not fit the bill. We are also looking for the ideal person but that ideal of a person might be more aligned with what you expect a man/women should be when you were younger, more active, perhaps more career oriented and... affluent.

The problem is that there are not many “ideal” people, and what could be the “ideal” for you might have a person much younger than you as an “ideal” so in order to succeed it is important to be realistic, take a good look at yourself and look for someone who is more or less on a similar place as you, like ready to have a relationship, similar incomes, similar background, etc.

My experience of joining OLD Just before 50 has been completely different to when I first used it in my late 30s. People find this offensive but I can only compare it to going to the market, plenty of suitable stuff in the morning but not much good stuff left over at end of the day (I apply this to myself as well, there are obviously far more attractive and suitable women in younger age groups than me).

I think being realistic is the key, if you accept who you are and where in life and you look for someone similar you will have better chances to find a person that makes you happy, who understands you better and who you can stay together for the long term.

Endless11 Sun 14-Jun-20 11:00:43

Thanks for the messages.

You may or may not meet 'someone special' but at least you will be spending your time doing something you enjoy rather than endlessly looking on dating websites & sending messages which can seem a bit false.

Yes I agree with this - real life rather than online dating, or if online dating, only in addition to real life and not as a substitute. I did some OLD around December / January and in addition to being messaged by players, did go on 7 platonic dates with someone I really liked and am still in touch with as a friend which is nice... But the experience with the weirdos and players has put me off OLD.

So, to sum up. Love yourself for who you are, don’t worry about your age/appearance as confidence is what is appealing to men. Start when you’re ready. Take one step at a time. Seek out experiences. Put yourself first ALWAYS. And enjoy the freedom!

Thanks @TigerDater your post in inspiring.

plenty of suitable stuff in the morning but not much good stuff left over at end of the day (I apply this to myself as well, there are obviously far more attractive and suitable women in younger age groups than me) isn't this because most men my age will already be attached though?

We are also looking for the ideal person but that ideal of a person might be more aligned with what you expect a man/women should be when you were younger, more active, perhaps more career oriented and... affluent. - am still very active - single parent with three teens and normally working (when not in lockdown), have never been career oriented or affluent so that's okay grin.

The problem is that there are not many “ideal” people, and what could be the “ideal” for you might have a person much younger than you as an “ideal”

I am not looking for someone who is younger than me, but nor am I looking for someone who is a lot older. My exh is 12 years older than me, and he was completely uninterested in sex for a long time (and withheld affection for years), so I really don't want a repeat of that. He was also becoming really sofa bound - think evening after evening sat in silence with someone buried in their laptop who came to bed after me and left before me and didn't say a word or ever put an arm around me even - and I really want to live still. Not saying that everyone in their 60s will be sofa bound, but there is loads I want to do so I would like to meet someone who is active and interested in life.

Having said that I don't really have an ideal - someone I can talk to and be myself with, who is funny, clever and kind. Someone I can trust. But yeah I also want to fancy them.

I know it might never happen. I guess it's that yearning for intimacy and connection that you can only get from a "romantic" relationship?

OP’s posts: |
Endless11 Sun 14-Jun-20 11:08:29

Are you saying that I should only look for people who are older than me @TheMotherofAllDilemmas because men my age will all want younger people?

OP’s posts: |
TigerDater Sun 14-Jun-20 12:03:21

It’s a fallacy to think that all mid 50s men want younger women. They are individuals, so some do, some don’t. I had a rule that if they didn’t identify with my favourite childhood TV programmes I wasn’t interested. That meant 5 years either side of my age. A silly rule perhaps but shared references mean a lot to me. In fact I’ve ended up with someone 7 years younger which is great because we can educate each other a bit wink

anotherdisaster Sun 14-Jun-20 13:41:59

I agree with @TheMotherofAllDilemmas entirely. I'm 44 now and have dated on OLD for the last couple of years. Yes I've managed to find potemntials but at my age I refuse to put up with so much that it usually ends due to my higher standards. The older you get, the more clear you are in your expectations. I think this is a good thing though!
It gets harder as you get older but not just because of your standards, but many men/women are attached at this age. There are just fewer out there.
In my experience of OLD, I have to say I've not been impressed with the quality of men on there. They always seem to have way too many issues or emotional baggage. I've given up for now and hope to meet someone the old fashioned way.
I do know one thing, I'd much rather be on my own than putting up with any crap.

Knittingnanny Sun 14-Jun-20 13:46:27

I ( divorced -and not actively looking) met my husband ( widowed for many years) 15 years ago when I was 48 and he was 51. He def did not want a younger women as he didn’t want any more children!
We met at modern jive dancing.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Sun 14-Jun-20 13:57:10

I'm late forties and want to remain a single parent. My impression of old is there are a lot of romance scammers out there, who pretend to want a romance in order to take your hard earned money. It's too much trouble for me to watch their actions and work out their intent. I also observe single men when I go supermarket shopping and unhealthy food/trays of cans of lager pits me off. I don't want to put up with all their bad habits they've accrued over a lifetime!!!

Knittingnanny Sun 14-Jun-20 14:08:20

Yesterday, exactly how I felt before I met my husband, also I realise that I couldn’t have been with someone who didn’t have children as they wouldn’t have realised that just because they are grownup doesn’t mean they aren’t central to our lives.
Fortunately our children are all around the same age and they have children all around the same age too.
He totally got that if one of our children needed us they were the priority.

dottiedodah Sun 14-Jun-20 14:20:53

There have been several articles about this kind of thing recently .Its true some men may be looking for a younger "trophy type "GF ,but often they are the sort of Sports car driving, flashy types of men anyway .Often friends of friends or someone at work may be a better bet ,you will have more in common as well .Dont despair there are some nice guys around!

MikeUniformMike Sun 14-Jun-20 14:39:37

I registered on an OLD site. Gave up because I wasn't at the time ready for it.

I found the messaging a bit tiresome. Didn't find anyone I thought worth meeting. Some people seem fun but maybe they lacked in the looks department or they looked ok but were boring or needy.

You meet someone when you are ready for it IMO, when you are happy with your life.

Given how my last relationship ended, I'm probably better off alone.

PicsInRed Sun 14-Jun-20 16:46:13

plenty of suitable stuff in the morning but not much good stuff left over at end of the day (I apply this to myself as well, there are obviously far more attractive and suitable women in younger age groups than me)

Go to the market late enough, though, and the shelves are being restocked again. 😂

crimsonlake Sun 14-Jun-20 16:50:54

I have been old for several years on and off and obviously older now than when I started. As you get older there are definitely less men interested, or perhaps suitable men.
I get messaged by some shockers and although I am not by any stretch beautiful I am slim, attractive and do not look my age.
I get messaged by short, overweight, bald and ancient looking men who claim to be in their 50's. All I can think is that they have had a tough life and do not look after themselves. It is not as if any of them make any effort in their messages.
I expect if anyone roughly my age is looking for someone 20 years younger then I would not be interested in them anyway.
I agree as you age and know what you want your standards are raised and you know what you want. I cannot find it even if I do lower my standards a little.
I also cannot be bothered with messaging back and to, answering the same inane questions I have answered a thousand times before.

anotherdisaster Sun 14-Jun-20 17:30:18

Lots of time-wasters on OLD. I found that when I did find what looked like someone I might actually fancy, they were just out of a relationship and clearly just browsing for an ego boost. I won't be going back to that for a long time (if ever). My other single friend has suggested we go to the races, apparently lots of potential men there but I shall see for myself.......

Karmatime Sun 14-Jun-20 18:44:22

I met my current partner at 50, having been single for over 5 years. We met on holiday and turns out he lives near me. We were just friends for over 6 months but it blossomed. We’ve been living together for 4 years now and recently got engaged.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas Sun 14-Jun-20 22:30:16

I have found my partner at 50, so there is hope, but going back to the analogy of the market, yes there was definitively a re stock around 30 something when many people who married young start getting divorced, but by the time I was single again at 48... I meet 24 very nice men in the year before I found one I wanted to have a relationship with (really, they were nice people but I didn’t feel attracted to them, had very different backgrounds or we had different aims in life) DP is just a year older than me, very well read (important to me) and very good company but financially, as hard done by by his divorce and years of single parenting as me... so we understand each other well smile.

What I meant by looking for “ideals” is that you read the profiles and after a while you can see that men (and women) describe themselves as an ideal of what they want to be, and the expectations of the partner they would like to meet are a match to that ideal of themselves, so you have people that say “I love adventure travel and climbed Mt Everest” but you dig a little bit and they have not done much else than working and watching TV in the 25-30 years since they climbed it.

Somebody said above that OLD was full of time wasters, separated but not yet divorced people. It may sound counterproductive, but I think it is much easier to build a nice healthy relationship with someone who is new to OLD and still is a bit old fashioned enough to believe you need to get to know a person more before embracing them or dismiss them than with those who have been in OLD for long enough to get over used to the “next” button, and judge you too/dismiss you too quickly or asume you are the same kind of both as their 57th date just because you ordered the same drink as her...

What has worked for me was to see OLD as a place to meet friends (without benefits), I didn’t have dates but coffees and manage it all at a friendly level before we met. That also took the pressure off for them, so even if we didn’t fall for each other at least we had a good laugh and even kept in touch as simple friends after we realised we were not meant for each other smile.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas Sun 14-Jun-20 22:32:59

dismiss you too quickly or asume you are the same kind of both bitch as their 57th date just because you ordered the same drink as her...

notmrscookie Sun 14-Jun-20 23:24:22

My fella is 48 .Me 45 ..Meet on pof so it does happen.

Endless11 Mon 15-Jun-20 07:33:32

Thanks for all the messages smile.

You meet someone when you are ready for it IMO, when you are happy with your life.

Good point - I feel a lot better than I do in the first year and a half after my divorce, but I still have a way to go exploring my freedom and setting myself up properly. I am also terrified of getting together with someone, and then being devastated when/if it soon ends... After my 7 platonic dates ended it took a good 4 weeks for me to get over it, and we hadn't even got together (though we are in touch as friends which is nice, probably more driven by me if I am honest).

I get messaged by short, overweight, bald and ancient looking men who claim to be in their 50's. All I can think is that they have had a tough life and do not look after themselves. It is not as if any of them make any effort in their messages.

The same happened to me when I briefly did OLD last year. I think a lot of people lie about their age.

I expect if anyone roughly my age is looking for someone 20 years younger then I would not be interested in them anyway.

Yes, me too.

I also agree that the messaging is inane and boring. That's one of the things I liked about the person I did go on dates with - his messages were much more entertaining and sweet.

@TheMotherofAllDilemmas - I see what you mean about the ideal person. My problem (if it's a problem) is that I am very honest / unimaginative, I don't know what you would call it, and once I have a profile set up it just looks boring! Then I start to question why anyone would be interested etc... In any case I would rather meet someone irl - in an organic kind of non pressured way. Then that person meets you as a whole person and not a set of interests of hobbies or interests I suppose.

I agree with the keeping OLD on a friendly basis and possibly making friends - or I would if I was going to back to it but I am not sure if I will - so many players and strange people.

@Knittingnanny - jive dancing sounds great. Someone being a parent would also be important to me - I have three teens and my life is very much about them even if they are in their bedrooms all the time and the house is often eerily quiet!!

OP’s posts: |
Endless11 Mon 15-Jun-20 07:35:02

Also agree that someone who is new to OLD might be less jaded and more inclined to give a relationship time to develop. There's a lot of pressure to move things on very fast with OLD I think.

OP’s posts: |
Esspee Mon 15-Jun-20 07:55:46

My husband died when I was over 50. Eventually tried OLD. It was a steep learning curve and very entertaining. Met very few people in the flesh, had no bad experiences. Shared expenses on every date even with the guy who was fabulously wealthy. Didn't sleep with any of them until I was sure I had found the right one.
We have been together now for eight years.

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