Should I own up to what I have seen on his computer?

[wurlywoo]

I know there are a lot of threads at the moment, but I am 5 1/2 months pregnant so not thinking particulary rationally anyway and I need a lot of support before I lose the plot.

I have been with my dp, for 2 years almost and for the most part we have had a wonderful relationship, I found out I was pregnant in May and initially I didnt want the baby, but he seemed to really want it and promised to support me etc so I went ahead. Worst decision i ever made.. Whilst it took me a while to come to terms with the pregnancy he seemed to be fine, now I think its hit him what is going to happen.

For the last few months he has become withdrawn, doesnt want to do anything with me, doesnt talk to me and sex is totally out of the question and I feel ugly as it is.

Granted he has had probs at work and I have tried to be supportive. But then last week when I used his computer as my internet had broke, I came accross a message between his and this girl who used to work with him and has recently gone back to Poland. ALthough there is no obvious flirting it is plain to see that he likes her alot. He calls her "baby" says she is beautiful and calls her his sexy polish friend. and asks if she had stayed in England would things have happened between them? well that was it, all the memories of past boyfriends doing similar things came flooding back and my depression has returned with a vengence.

he has been spending, sometimes all night on the net when he is off work, doesnt come to bed with me that often and now I know why. It makes me feel sick and now I cant eat or sleep. He doesnt know that I have seen this and although it was completly inncocent how I came accross it he will nevr believe that and he wont trust me again. when I tried last week to say to him that his behaviour is making me concerned he said that he was distant because of his vertigo becoming worse and he cant deal with it. He also never mentioned this girl when he told me what he does on the net all the time i.e making his tunes and speaking to his other friends.

I am in turmoil, I cant carry on like this it is tearing me apart to think he might have feelings for someone else ans then in the same breath he says he wont leave me and loves me vey much but then shouts and gets angry when I get neurotic and begin crying and going off on one when I get paranoid

This isnt the whole story, but its the main bits. Really sorry for the long thread, and thank you for any help that anyone can give me.

[clapton]

So sorry you're going through this, you really could do without it.

I think should talk to him, if you don't, it will eat you up and will always be there.

A relationship should not be like this.

3 weeks before I had my DS now 8 I found out my partner was having an affair. I left him. It killed me to do so but I thought if you can do this to me when I need you the most, I'd rather be on my own and my child be in a happy environment.

Please talk to him.

[wurlywoo]

Thank you for your words, I dont know whether I can talk to him for the fear of making this worse I am not sure if I can have this baby on my own. Is he in the wrong though given that he hasnt actually done anything with her? I am the one in the wrong as I looked at his computer.

You are right about one thing it is eating me up and one way or another I need to get this out and it will come to a head. He will get so angry at me and that's what I am afraid of.

How on earth did you manage to leave your ex? you are so strong and I wish I was like that.

[jellybelly25]

You should talk to him. Even though you probably shouldn't have looked on his computer he is definitely in the wrong and IMO you wouldn't have looked if you weren't concerned by his behaviour. So point that out to him if he gets angry with you. If he won't talk to you about how you are both feeling you are bound to try to find out by other means it is just sad that usually when people do that they find something they wish they hadn't.

And he is definitely in the wrong he should be giving YOU the attention he's giving her.

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

Wurly, inapproriate computer "friendships" are very common. People, and often men, in relationships kid themselves that it is "Ok" because "nothing has/is going to happen" and "what the other half doesn't know won't hurt her." He is probably also justifying it on the grounds that this woman is in Poland, so he's hardly going to start a physical affair with her any time soon. Men are also very good as escapism, more than women (in my experience and knowledge), who deal much more in reality. He will be kidding himself that it is all fine; that is why he's distant.

However it's not ok. You are hurting. You do know about it. And deep down he will know it's not ok.

I know it's hard but you need to explain to him how you came by this evidence. That is nothing to be ashamed of; your pc was not working so you used his. Then you need to tell him, even though he may be angry, that you're not ok with it. Turn it round and ask him how he would feel. Give him the opportunity to put this right and ask him to be completely honest with you about it. Tell him what you need from him and give him the chance to provide it. You need to express to him that a realtionship that contains any infidelity (even "just" the cyber kind) is not something you can accept.

[Wisteria]

Sorry you're having to deal with this wurly - it must be crap.

I think you need to tell him you've found it because otherwise you are never going to know the truth, it will eat you up inside and at a time when you should be happy.
Was it only one message you saw? If so, it might not be as bad as it seems.

He may be struggling with the pregnancy thing - a lot of men do - my exdh hardly touched me when I was pregnant. How old is he?

[chopster]

I was thinking what wisteria said. Although he has said he is ahppy about the baby, it is a big adjustment and this polish girl may jsut be a bit of escapism. However, I would be upset too, and can see what you are getting at. YOu do need to talk to him about it, but give yourself chance to calm down before making impulsive decisions. Pregnancy hormones makes these sort of things so much harder to deal wth and you don't want to do or say anything you might regret later, especially as you say you have a good relationship otherwise.

[wurlywoo]

Wisteria: He is 28, a year older than me and I have thought that he is struggling with the whole pregnancy thing even tho he was the one who wanted it

It was a whole message conversation that dates back to Early August and he has been speaking to her since every day almost.. that's how long this has been going on.

Until I speak to him and let him have his say I dont know what to make of it.

Shiny: You are dead right, people in general think that there is nothing wrong with these sort of "frienships" over the net are ok becaase it isn't exactly in teh real world but it isnt right.

Yes I shouldnt have looked at his computer but it was genuinely that mine wasnt working and it brought up these received files by mistake god knows how. I am no technical expert maybe I was meant to see it?!

I think I will have to grab the bull by the horns and come clean, I like to be open and honest about things and him like most men keep everything close to their chest. but as you point out Jellybelly he is giving all his attention to her mentally not physically of course and it is hurting so much that he is so distant from me.

I have had to be signed off work as my doctor on friday said im doing too much, I couldnt tell her the whole stort why I was so stressed as he was with me but I had 2 mini strokes last year and I know this stress is doing me no good at all, how can he be so insensitive to this? I was hoping to go back to work on Wed but I need some space to work out what to do. I know in the end I will have to tell the truth at what cost I dont know but then at least I will have out in the open and the balls in his court.

Thank you all of you for your support it means alot..

[fireflyfairy2]

I think if I were you I would have a chat with him ASAP. I would try & explain to him how it makes you feel & suggest that maybe you need time apart to think about what you mean to each other.

If he is holding feelings for this polish woman, can you live with this? The fact that she is in another country suggests she is no immediate thread to you & your family, but it would be a very hard thing to come to terms with.

[Tamz77]

Hey, what he's done wrong is worse than what you've done wrong. If he hadn't been doing this sneaky stuff and being moody you'd never have had need to check up. He's got to get his arse in gear if you two are really in this together, for the long haul, and with a wee one too. You have to have it out with him because I suspect the 'Polish friend' is more a symptom than a cause; sure there are much deeper issues at the root (things you've suggested eg cold feet about the pregnancy etc). The sooner they are dealt with the better and the more you communicate the better. Know this is vague but tbh I'd face him with it, not just about the webchats but about everything. Maybe ask yourself a few tough questions beforehand though, I mean, if he's having second thoughts about being a father, how will you deal with that?

[Wisteria]

Wurly , that puts a slightly different complexion on it doesn't it?

I really wouldn't bother with the 'I don't know how it came up with received files' etc though, it doesn't ring true tbh and you may end up having an argument about that rather than the issue you want to address.

You found it, don't apologise to him for it; you are having a baby together and he has been hiding something from you, he is in the wrong.

You have to have this out with him. He is not being unfaithful exactly but he is neglecting you when you need him and you are pregnant with his child and have been very poorly so there is no excuse. However he may have issues which he can't discuss with you for some reason, you mention work pressures and it needs to come out - your strokes last year may have scared him so badly (happened to my bf and her dh was freaked out) that he's not sure how to react to you anymore, especially while pregnant. Maybe this girl is just escapism as he has big worries - although that doesn't make it easier for you to bear I know.

[wurlywoo]

Yes it does have different slant on it really, I am trying to be objective about this and I dont want to throw away what we have because i know deep down he does really love me.. I also know that he is struggling with things and chooses to shut me out. I think you are absoultely bang on with using her as an escapism, he always says that he doesnt give up on things but this isnt the answer.

I know I need to tell him about this because the situation is going to get wprse and my health is already suffering im getting dizzy spells again which could be pgncy related or could be to do with the strokes last year either way I wont take any chances.

Im going to see one of my best friends now see what she thinks. I think to be honest I am going to have to be strong for me and the baby.

Thank you x

[Wisteria]

Well good luck, let us know how you get on.

It is always better to get these things out in the open IMO (even if the thought of it scares the living shit daylights out of you because at least you will then know what you are dealing with and can both move forwards.

[bubblagirl]

when i fell preganant which was planned but didn't expect to happen so soon as ws told couldn't have children my dp didn't really talk to me for 3 mths it was a terrible time

it hink the realisation that he was going to be really commited may have scred him maybe your dp feels the same but is taking it too far with the ego trips of another woman when he should be supprting you

tell him you are finding his behaviour unacceptable he either supports you and unborn child or you want him to find somewhere else to stay you don thave to mention what you found he'll know his actions are wrong

maybe he may open up to you about how afraid he is tell him unless he tells you what problem is and his actions prove something is up you would rather he wasn't around you good luck but if he is afraid he should say not get ego boost from polish girl

[jellybelly25]

Good luck wurly

[wurlywoo]

I think you are right that he has begun to realise the enormity of what is about to happen and that his life is going to change so much.

I have to decide though whether to go through with telling him as I know it will make things a million tims worse. But I cant carry on with this eating me up constantly as it is doing. and I agree he is just getting an ego boost from her.

so confused.. hmm

[wurlywoo]

Almost forgot to mention, in this message log he does speak of me and even mentions the other week when I had my 20 wk scan and he thought he could see boy bits.. ha ha. she also knows of me and at one point in the conversation she says you love your girlfriend too much to look at sexy girls, snd he does admit that he loves me and she also says to him to say "hi" to me..

I mean what do I make of that? it's like he does love me want me etc but also has feelings for her?? and justifies it by talking about me in the conversation...

[bubblagirl]

its maybe a part of him that still wants to feel young and attractive to other women having a dc changes so much and how you feel about yourself i too thought oh god other men wont be attracted to me anymore lol its just a my life is making me grow up now help lol

from what you say he does love you my dp did just didn't know how to handle things and just blocked himself off from me what you need to do is dress up nice i did this even with huge bump lol cook romantic meal and have fun keep some of the old you's alive

it does helpit makes you see life can still be good its just changing

take the inituative cook nice meal candles and tell him you want a cuddly evening some men fear they will hurt baby if making love we did manage to have good sex life in the end up till baby was born lol was tough finding comfy position but we did it and it kept us close it gave us time to speak honestly about our fears and to comfort each other

good luck with this and up and coming birth it is so wonderful i didn't have good prgnancy through lack of support and really feel sad about that but he is a great dad and all is ok now apart from normal every day problems

[Wisteria]

If he was in any way flirting with this girl he probably wouldn't say he loves you to her.

Maybe she is his confidante as much as we are acting as yours?

Maybe don't mention what you found and ask for a heart to heart about how you're feeling first.

[Amethyst8]

I wouldnt give two hoots about him being angry for you looking at his computer whether you were looking for something or not. I know others feel very strongly about privacy issues etc but put it this way if there had been nothing to find then there wouldnt be a problem would there? I hate the way men always manage to twist the argument round to you invading their privacy like that is the real issue here .

I regularly look at DH's phone and email account as I did once find dodgy text messages and when I confronted him I did not let him use his privacy rights to get himself off the hook, because that is all he would be doing if he gets angry at you for looking on his computer. I would explain why you were using it and what you found with no justification whatsoever. You don t have anything to justify.

I would be encouraged by the fact that he talks about you and says he loves you in the messages not something a man who is looking for something else would be doing I shouldnt have thought. Think it sounds like a bit of an ego trip to me. A lot of men like to think that women still find them attractive and will do loads of flirting but probably not take it any further most of the time. Pregnancy is a difficult time. I got madly paranoid during my first pregnancy and often accused DH of being in a mood, not being loving towards me accompanied by bucket loads of tears etc etc. Most of the time it was all in my head. He was very bemused and did withdraw sometimes just because he didnt know how to handle it. Talk to him about the messages. Sorry but he has got some explaining to do. Try not to make a massive deal out of it when you first bring it up so he won t go straight on the defensive and you might actually get something out of him.

[wurlywoo]

well I have seen my best friend and she agrees that I need to say something but its a case of what I say. I am gong to be careful tho as if I approach it in the wrong want then it will blow up in my face, you have all given me loads of things to think about and try.

Bubblagirl: you have said some excellent things all of which make sense, the thing I would say if someone wanted my opinion. I am going to try and talk calmly sbout his feelings first and try and not get into an arguement. I think to be honest he is struggling to come to terms with all this. Either way something is wrong and I have to have it sorted out.. I am going to pick him up in a bit so will let you know how it goes..

Thanx again x