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3 abusive relationships over the past 15 years

8 replies

Instamaticgreenery · 14/06/2020 06:30

I'm 40 years old, and have just come out of a very emotionally abusive relationship.

I'm reading Lundy Bancroft and going through it with a highlighter and many lightbulb moments about my ex, and both ex partners before him too.

I'm asking how I can break the cycle. I was single for 4 years before my latest relationship, working on myself, self image, self esteem, building my own life, and I thought I was ready to try again, but this latest relationship was actually more abusive than the previous two long term ones.

I'm going to finish the book, but can anyone recommend anything else? Any sort of therapy?

There is always the option to remain single of course, which is what I'm going to do for a long while, it's going to take a long time to recover from the latest relationship. but I do believe in love, and one day I do hope to have real love in my life. I'd be grateful for any advice? Thank you

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Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2020 06:33

Have you reflected back to these relationships and realised the red flags you missed or ignored?

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Instamaticgreenery · 14/06/2020 07:13

I'm in the process of doing that now.

I hadn't even heard of emotional abuse really until the breakup of the second relationship. I knew the first one was 'controlling' and that was it.

I can't believe I fell for a third. The sort of emotional abuse was different with all 3.

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Windmillwhirl · 14/06/2020 07:17

You are educating yourself. That is the key. I think also being happy on your own is important. Too many people remain in unhealthy relationships out of fear of being alone.if you can be happy without someone and know it you are less likely to put up with bad treatment.

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Instamaticgreenery · 14/06/2020 07:22

Thanks windmill.

I think that's what's bothering me so much. Because I was on my own for so long and happy that way after the second relationship which took me years to get over. I'm not sure how I managed to get myself into a third! I wasn't even looking g for anything serious and I got completely sucked in. I obviously wasn't as 'recovered' as I thought.

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DrDetriment · 14/06/2020 07:27

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. I'd encourage you to have proper counselling through with someone who specialises in this area. Bancroft is interesting but some of his work has been questioned. One on one with someone who can help you work through why you made these choices and how to avoid it in future would be better.

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Windmillwhirl · 14/06/2020 07:32

Perhaps you were happy on your own but wanted a relationship and that's absolutely fine. I think it's important to always remember how damaging the wrong relationship can be. Most people wouldn't rush into buying a luxury car. They'd weigh up pros and cons etc.

When in a relationship, do the same. Of course people can put on a mask but that often slips at some point.

I was I an abusive relationship many years ago that became physical. For me there were clear indicators of his personality prior to the physical abuse that I ignored (perfectionist, controlling, selfish).I wont ever make that mistake again because I value myself too much.Dont ignore red flags and your got instinct.

I've lived and learned, just as you are x

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longtimecomin · 14/06/2020 07:35

I have this same issue, the abuse is different in every man. The first was financial abuse, he asked £1000 per month towards the bills as I moved into his. 3 yrs later, I found a statement he left lying around, the house bills altogether came to £1000, I'd paid for his share for 3 yrs and we went halves on food, restaurants etc!

2nd was violent. About once a month, refused to leave, I left after 18 months of violence. He was ok for the first year.

3rd was coercive control, constantly telling me what to do, when to do it how to do it, was jealous, tracked me with an app on my phone. Always suspected I was cheating.

All abuse but in completely different forms.

Like you I still hope to meet the right one.

Next time I'm taking everything very slowly, instead of trying to do the pick me dance and having a great time with them so that they want to be with me, I'm going to be looking for red flags and rejecting more. I hope.

Was there abuse in your childhood home? My dad deprived my mum of money and in turn she deprived him of love and affection, lots of arguments and name calling. I think this is why I am ok with poor boundaries.

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Instamaticgreenery · 14/06/2020 13:56

I'm so sorry to read that longtimecomin. Have you had any counselling? It's brave of you to be looking for another relationship, good luck.

I've sent an enquiry about counselling through someone on BACP so I'll wait to hear about that.

I had some psychodynamic therapy to help get over relationship no.2.

One day I hope for a relationship that doesn't leave me needing therapy!