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Constantly feeling something isn't right

(37 Posts)
Disneyblue Sat 13-Jun-20 15:50:43

It's taken alot of courage to write this. It's almost like I'm afraid of what people might say. But I feel like I need some reassurance, guidance, anything really.

I've been with my husband for 12 years. Married 5. We have a little girl who is just 8 months old.
We have a beautiful house, live in a lovely village with great neighbours. Had a fabulous wedding. Have amazing shared friends. We're financially well off, have great jobs. We've both worked our socks off to get to where we are, and been gifted with the most beautiful little girl. No complications during pregnancy, straight forward birth.
We're the bestest of friends. We share so many common interests and hobbies. We don't have the same personality. He's the laid back, confident but rational one and I'm the stressy, perfectionist type. We compliment each other perfectly. Of course we have our arguments but we deal with them and move on. He's hilariously funny and I can see myself being with him forever.

You can probably guess what I'll say next.

The sex. Well, not so great. To give a bit of context, I've never really been that into sex to be honest.
As a teenager I wasn't that interested. Didn't really experiment much. I had hobbies that were far more interesting. I've never been able to please myself properly and I've never achieved orgasm during sex. I can get there through watching the odd thing but I'm not that fussed. During sex itself, never.
When I first met my hubby I didn't think he was sex on wheels, if I'm honest. But he had qualities which were attractive to me at the time (he was driven, far more in common etc). Those qualities are still there now and I still love them.
But we've never had great sex. He has great sex, but I don't. I'm now starting to find faults with his appearance and I feel so ashamed of it. I compare him to other men (not openly), I wish his hair was longer, his belly was smaller, all horrible shallow things I shouldn't be thinking. But I do. I struggle to be intimate with him. I can get aroused but it's hard work and he has to initiate it. I feel nervous every time he kisses me in case he wants sex.
I have alot of problems with mental health which doesnt help plus I'm still battling with post pregnancy hormones I guess.

I just feel like this isn't the way it should be. I should want sex more, I should fancy him more. It isn't a 'normal' marriage. I read things about lack of physical attraction being a marriage killer and it upsets me, because I could never leave him. We've been through so much, invested so much in each other. It would break him, and me.

Yes we've talked about it. He is a bit upset I don't want sex more often but everything else is perfect and he's happy. As long as I'm willing to work on it. But should I be? Should I be giving myself the chance for a better sex life, even though I've never actually had a good one? If there wasn't tonnes of sexual chemistry in the beginning at my end I can't expect it to appear after 12 years!

Thank you for reading. No idea what I want from this. If anything, I want someone to tell me he sounds perfect, sex isn't everything blah blah but I can't help thinking it should be better...

OP’s posts: |
ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley Sat 13-Jun-20 15:56:10

What about seeing a sex therapist? I bet you would really gain a lot from it.

JustC Sat 13-Jun-20 16:16:53

Well, of course sex isn't everything, but it does matter. How much it matters, it's up to each person/relationship. Like the other pp said, maybe seeing a sex therapist would help. It could help you realise what you want, what would get you to satisfaction. But if the marriage is otherwise good, I would think it's worth the effort to at least try to make the sex life satisfactory for both of you. You mentioned watching the odd thing to get you off, could you watch together, would he be into that?

Cambionome Sat 13-Jun-20 16:22:43

I think it's very common not to want much sex 8 months after giving birth! If you have always had these issues then you will need to work on it, but now is not the right time.

PragmaticWench Sat 13-Jun-20 16:30:58

I can't comment on whether you're with the right man sexually but I suspect whomever you are with, you'll struggle to be sexually interested unless you are able to become interested in sex with yourself. It sounds as though this is something you would benefit from exploring with a sex therapist. Alone, not with your DH.

Also, the months/years after having a baby can certainly come with reduced libido. Not everyone gets that but it's not unusual, so don't feel pressured at the moment.

NoMoreDickheads Sat 13-Jun-20 17:08:34

As you've never fancied your husband much, now find him unattractive and have never come from the sex, I'd say it's fairly clear that sexually you're not with the ideal bloke.

You can come with a bit of effort (a lot of women find it hard to orgasm) so I don't think you're sexually abnormal and need to see a sex therapist, but that's up to you. If you just aren't really 'into' your husband, I don't think you'd find going to a sex therapist as a couple pleasant, though you could if you wanted. Maybe on your own.

I had a boyfriend where the sex wasn't good/pleasant, and a friend suggested to me that we could see a sex therapist. I said no, I wouldn't want to because I'm not interested/into him sexually at all.

Having a low libido is fine- some people are more interested in hobbies etc.

And as PPs said it can take a fair while to feel the need after pregnancy, or with the demands of a young child.

Disneyblue Sat 13-Jun-20 17:21:15

NoMoreDickheads

As you've never fancied your husband much, now find him unattractive and have never come from the sex, I'd say it's fairly clear that sexually you're not with the ideal bloke.

You can come with a bit of effort (a lot of women find it hard to orgasm) so I don't think you're sexually abnormal and need to see a sex therapist, but that's up to you. If you just aren't really 'into' your husband, I don't think you'd find going to a sex therapist as a couple pleasant, though you could if you wanted. Maybe on your own.

I had a boyfriend where the sex wasn't good/pleasant, and a friend suggested to me that we could see a sex therapist. I said no, I wouldn't want to because I'm not interested/into him sexually at all.

Having a low libido is fine- some people are more interested in hobbies etc.

And as PPs said it can take a fair while to feel the need after pregnancy, or with the demands of a young child.

Yea I understand what you're saying. It's awful because I want to feel 'into' him as he ticks every single other box and I'd lose so much if I left him. I know I wouldn't find anyone else like him and I want to enjoy sex with him so much. If we do have sex I do feel more connected with him afterwards. Almost like it's a relief and we're more 'normal' if that makes sense.

It's really really hard to talk to him about it as well without hurting him. I don't want to hurt him at all and we've our lovely little girl.
V hard situation

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Sat 13-Jun-20 17:29:31

I'd lose so much if I left him

If you left him you could still be friends and hang out together, you just wouldn't feel that pressure to have sex.

My bestie is an ex and we still have practically everything we had, except without that source of stress/ick. We go on holidays together etc etc, I'm staying with him during lockdown.

Disneyblue Sat 13-Jun-20 17:33:40

NoMoreDickheads

^I'd lose so much if I left him^

If you left him you could still be friends and hang out together, you just wouldn't feel that pressure to have sex.

My bestie is an ex and we still have practically everything we had, except without that source of stress/ick. We go on holidays together etc etc, I'm staying with him during lockdown.

I'd feel like I had been lying to him all this time. Making plans for our future etc. I do feel excited for our future in many ways, just not sexually. I want it to be better so much. I don't want to go through heartbreak.

OP’s posts: |
BraveGoldie Sat 13-Jun-20 18:33:55

OP, I can tell this is really difficult for you but I am not totally sure why...

Is it that you truly crave a good sex life? It sounds to me that you don't really have the desire for that or for him to truly want that?

Or is it that you think he is suffering and you want to fix it for him?

Or is it that you have an idea that you SHOULD have a different sex life? From a lot of what you have said, it sounds like it is maybe mostly this last possibility? That you feel guilty/ feel you have failed/ are not doing or feeling what you think you are meant to?

If that is the case, I think you should try to relax. There is no should when it comes to sex, and there is certainly no 'right way' for sex to work in a marriage. Loads of marriages have no sex, some have bad or mediocre sex, some have good sex..... but the ones with good sex may well have problems in areas where you guys are very happy. If the problem is that you have an image in your mind of what 'right' is, I would try to let go of that.

JustC Sat 13-Jun-20 18:40:26

BravoGoldie makes some really good points OP.

Menora Sat 13-Jun-20 18:53:41

It’s really hard to tell if this is more about your feelings about sex than how you feel about him. If you had said it was great then it has stopped being great this would be different. But that you have never enjoyed it the way you feel you ‘should’ could suggest either you are just not a sexual person (and may be the same whoever you are with) or you have some mental blockages/walls with regards to your sexuality that you might be able to open. This could mean that you could learn to enjoy it in the way you wish. I don’t know though I’m not a therapist! The only time I have felt like this about my partner is when I do not find them attractive - but I have no issue with sex with myself or other men, so it’s more obvious to me where the problem lies.

Ok answer this - would you like to have all the fireworks - orgasms and sexual excitement or would you happily live without it forever?

RandomMess Sat 13-Jun-20 18:58:31

From what you said about your past sex has never been that big a deal to you??

Perhaps you would never find someone that sex was amazing with because you don't have a high sex drive?

beachcomber70 Sat 13-Jun-20 19:06:02

I'm with BraveGoldie.

A long time ago I was in a similar predicament although it was my H who had a bit of a problem, not me. I was beginning to criticise him and felt discontented, wanting better, wanting more. I was being shallow, naïve and selfish [I married very young, no one to talk to, but that's no excuse].

We split up and I met someone v attractive where the sex life was better in some ways, not in others. They turned out to be a liar and a cheat and left me for another conquest.

I hurt and rejected a good man and have paid for it [many times over]. I was an idiot, thought I could squeeze more out of life. I have regretted it ever since. You sound like you have a good marriage, a good friend, a good life, a lovely family. Sometimes we have to settle for 'as good as it gets'.

If you really can't [after counselling] then I hope it all works out for you all. because the heartbreak is hard to cope with.

Just my experience.

Disneyblue Sat 13-Jun-20 19:08:06

Menora

It’s really hard to tell if this is more about your feelings about sex than how you feel about him. If you had said it was great then it has stopped being great this would be different. But that you have never enjoyed it the way you feel you ‘should’ could suggest either you are just not a sexual person (and may be the same whoever you are with) or you have some mental blockages/walls with regards to your sexuality that you might be able to open. This could mean that you could learn to enjoy it in the way you wish. I don’t know though I’m not a therapist! The only time I have felt like this about my partner is when I do not find them attractive - but I have no issue with sex with myself or other men, so it’s more obvious to me where the problem lies.

Ok answer this - would you like to have all the fireworks - orgasms and sexual excitement or would you happily live without it forever?

My answer to the last question is probably live without it forever, because I have no idea what good sex or fireworks even feels like! I got with my husband quite young and didn't really have any great sexual experiences before him, either.

OP’s posts: |
Disneyblue Sat 13-Jun-20 19:10:59

BraveGoldie

OP, I can tell this is really difficult for you but I am not totally sure why...

Is it that you truly crave a good sex life? It sounds to me that you don't really have the desire for that or for him to truly want that?

Or is it that you think he is suffering and you want to fix it for him?

Or is it that you have an idea that you SHOULD have a different sex life? From a lot of what you have said, it sounds like it is maybe mostly this last possibility? That you feel guilty/ feel you have failed/ are not doing or feeling what you think you are meant to?

If that is the case, I think you should try to relax. There is no should when it comes to sex, and there is certainly no 'right way' for sex to work in a marriage. Loads of marriages have no sex, some have bad or mediocre sex, some have good sex..... but the ones with good sex may well have problems in areas where you guys are very happy. If the problem is that you have an image in your mind of what 'right' is, I would try to let go of that.

Yep, the last possibility I think. I feel like we should be having sex more, I should desire him more, the list goes on.
The main thing though is I want to want it more. I feel like I should want it more, because normal marriages surely have sex more than once a month or less, which is quite normal for us.

OP’s posts: |
Disneyblue Sat 13-Jun-20 19:15:21

beachcomber70

I'm with BraveGoldie.

A long time ago I was in a similar predicament although it was my H who had a bit of a problem, not me. I was beginning to criticise him and felt discontented, wanting better, wanting more. I was being shallow, naïve and selfish [I married very young, no one to talk to, but that's no excuse].

We split up and I met someone v attractive where the sex life was better in some ways, not in others. They turned out to be a liar and a cheat and left me for another conquest.

I hurt and rejected a good man and have paid for it [many times over]. I was an idiot, thought I could squeeze more out of life. I have regretted it ever since. You sound like you have a good marriage, a good friend, a good life, a lovely family. Sometimes we have to settle for 'as good as it gets'.

If you really can't [after counselling] then I hope it all works out for you all. because the heartbreak is hard to cope with.

Just my experience.

You see this is exactly what I'm afraid of. He's a good man, in so many ways. I trust him completely, I hear of friends who don't trust their spouses even with their phones on the fear of them talking to other women. I have never ever felt like that. He's an incredible dad. He's great with money, the house, DIY, he's career driven, very motivated. He's unbelievably thoughtful and caring. He's an absolute hoot socially as well. He makes everyone laugh.
He's an absolute gem in fact. I know wholeheartedly I'd never find anyone like him. Not in a million years. Yet these thoughts come at me like a machine gun. I'm honestly ashamed of them. Yet these thoughts concern something I'm not evne that fussed about. It's almost a guilt thing for not being fussed about sex

OP’s posts: |
beachcomber70 Sat 13-Jun-20 19:16:00

I've just remembered a friend who left her husband as he wasn't interested in sex much. She had never orgasmed and was 52.

She then met someone [very nice bloke] who actually gave her orgasms and married him very quickly. The marriage lasted about 2 years and both were very upset when it ended. They were 2 very different personalities who wanted different things and had different attitudes and views about a lot of things.

She went back to her ex husband and 20 years later I see them around now and then, together, very content in each others company. Don't know about their sex life though!

ThatLockdownLyfe Sat 13-Jun-20 19:20:14

Who gives a shit about anyone else's marriage or what's "normal" though.

So long as you both are happy it's no one's business.

If your DH is happy with once per month then that's great.

We have 2 DC under 4 and once per 3 months is pretty good for us.

I wonder why you're worrying about sex now you have a baby together? What's going on there do you think?

Stella8686 Sat 13-Jun-20 19:22:41

You've already said you're a perfectionist. Sex seems to be the area where you are not experiencing anywhere near that.

Do you enjoy other intimacy? Cuddles, kisses.

A sex therapist would be able to tell you better.

I would say if you feel like you want to work on it because you feel modern pressure to have a fantastic sex life that is unrealistic in a long term relationship with a baby.

If you just want to improve and take small steps try pleasuring yourself more. After reading erotica perhaps.
Also next time you do have sex try and be more vocal (fake it with moans) pretend in your mind you are a red hot woman who's man has eyes only for her and worships her.

There are numerous articles on faking these noises helps trick your body into getting in the mood. Increasing frequency can increase libido.

BUT takes things at your own pace and know that your in control so it's your decision to do it so you can feel empowered.

But I would ask a sex therapist as that advice may not be the first thing you should try

beachcomber70 Sat 13-Jun-20 19:24:04

It's fine to have a low libido though. It's fine to have your own thoughts and feelings about anything. It's always best not to compare anything about your life with what everyone else seems to be doing/saying. Reality is probably so different behind their closed doors.

Many, many people say sex is overrated/messy and many couples don't have a sex life. Doesn't mean they aren't happy and fulfilled though. Choosing an early night with a book instead of a 'session' is less demanding and less exhausting...and very enjoyable!

I passionately wish I was an artist or an author, had the personality to be a dog breeder or live on an island... but it's not me, the talent, the tenacity just isn't there. Everyone is dissatisfied in some way with aspects of themselves and it is infuriating.

You husband sounds great btw.

KatnissK Sat 13-Jun-20 19:28:16

I think it's normal for your sex life to have ups and downs (and let's face it - childbirth and babies/toddlers are huge downers in that regard!). I think if you are just worrying about it because you think everyone else is swinging from the chandeliers 7 days a week then you can relax because they are not! Or at least, definitely not all the time. If you're genuinely upset / feeling pressured into having sex you don't want or enjoy then, yes, that to me is a very good reason to end a marriage as that's no way to live. If you want to take a chance on finding better sex with someone else then that's totally up to you but I wouldn't do anything rashly, especially if you are generally happy and when your child is so small - you may find things pick up again. Incidentally, it may be worth considering different contraception if you are on hormonal contraceptives as they can reduce libido massively. Just a thought.

StormBaby Sat 13-Jun-20 19:36:23

I was exactly the same for years and years, All through my late teens, all through my first marriage(and my ex was actually really good in bed. It was just me). No interest at all. Then I hit my 30s and I became absolutely rampant. I'm married to someone a bit younger now and I've almost killed him 🤣

whatisheupto Sat 13-Jun-20 19:45:26

I think a lot more women feel like this than we imagine. I think nowadays we think we should be striving for perfection all the time. But I think in this case your relationship sounds fantastic and you shouldn't worry so much about what you "should" be doing and feeling. Nothing is perfect. I wonder if our grandmothers expected they should have amazing sexual relationships and felt like their marriage was a failure if they weren't bouncing off the walls every night?

Menora Sat 13-Jun-20 20:01:28

I think it’s possible he’s not actually giving you good sex, and communication about it had stagnated because he’s not pushing the buttons you would need - this is usually why couples explore each other sexually but that is not on your menu and possibly not his either.
One option is to be slightly more honest that it’s not hitting a spot for you and see whether he could put in the effort to learn what would be enjoyable for you. But you shouldn’t pressure yourself into that

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