Misophonia-told I'm being ridiculous

[SistemaAddict]

I have severe misophonia and in the past couple of days the same person has triggered it on the phone. They know I have the condition. First off they burped really loudly down the phone. Surely you'd move the phone away from your mouth if you needed to burp rather than just let rip with it? Then the next time they were eating when they answered the phone, told me to hang on while they finished but continued making mouth/eating noises afterwards to the point I had to say goodbye. They are now pissed off with me and saying I'm being ridiculous and that they need to walk on eggshells around me.

Does anyone else with this find that people are very dismissive? Does it affect your relationships? I have ASD too and have been dismissed since childhood as ridiculous for my thoughts and feelings.

[MaeDanvers]

I had to look it up but there are certain sounds that make me feel horrible physically. Does your friend know which noises really trigger you? Only that when I looked it up it said noises generally. If they know then it’s very rude. Mind you it’s also rude to burp down the phone as a matter of course. Think your friend is being an idiot.

[Michaelbaubles]

Well, it’s disgusting to burp or eat while you’re on the phone with someone and it sounds very much like this is being done deliberately- I’m sure they wouldn’t do it on a call with their boss, for example, which is not exactly “walking on eggshells”.

[moreofthegreenstuff]

The bad manners would put me off more than the actual noises.

[SistemaAddict]

Yes they know. They also know how stressed I am at the moment and struggling with being shielded. Eating and mouth noises are the wurst for me and I find the phone sometimes amplifies the sounds more and of course brings them right next to my ear. I was ready to scream so had to hang up after saying I needed to go.

[Badmemorieshouse]

Absolutely disgusting, my mum does this and it makes me want to actually murder her. Some people just don’t understand, apart from the fact that it’s horribly bad mannered

[Thelnebriati]

They are now pissed off with me and saying I'm being ridiculous and that they need to walk on eggshells around me.

Thats an example of DARVO - Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender.
They are acting in a way that most people would find annoying, provoke you into saying something, then accuse you of being controlling.
Its the behaviour of someone who is abusive. Do you have to stay in a relationship with them?

[TeapotCollection]

^ agree with Thelnebriati

This is annoying and rude to anyone

[SistemaAddict]

It's my mum and we are very close normally. She was an expert in darvo when I was younger. I got blamed for everything growing up. I've moved on from that and she is the only family member I speak to.
Maybe it's just lockdown getting to us.

[Mrsjayy]

I have this (undiagnosed). Some noises can't be helped and we need to manage ourselves, burping And eating down the phone is revolting regardless of noise intolerance , your friend is bloody rude.

[TeacupDrama]

some of it is just bad manners like burping etc some might just be thoughtlessness
I have almost the opposite problem ( I know it is not directly comparably) because I am quite deaf I find people are reluctant to repeat things or say it doesn't matter; in fact someone once said being deaf is worse for the people they are with than the deaf person !! hearing aids and head phones don't sort everything, I am really struggling at present with screens on shops as they cut down sound too and masks making it even harder so I need to be closer to hear or they need to speak up if we need to stay 2 metres apart clear visors for those in public facing roles would be better
I think patience is generally in shorter supply after lockdown people are frustrated everything is harder and takes longer and is less enjoyable just food shopping even and so many people for many reasons are already on their last nerve
I do sympathise though as inconsiderate people who carry on with it even when they know are a pain no-one can expect strangers to know
the similarity is that both show a disregard for the other person

[Elieza]

They are disgusting eating and burping down the phone. They have no manners.

If you’re speaking to someone and they do that just take control of the call and say “sorry I’ve caught you at a bad time I’ll phone back in twenty minutes once you’re indigestion has passed/you’ve finished your dinner, bye”.
And hang up - without giving them time to say anything to keep you on the call while they continue to make noises.

If they take the humph when you call back, stuff them.

If they say ‘oh you didn’t need to hang up the phone earlier just tell them “no no that’s ok. I can’t hear properly when someone’s eating/belching in my ear and it makes me feel a bit sick tbh”

If you do that every time they are eating they will either learn to mute the phone at their end so you can’t hear them chew, unmuting only to speak.
Or they will accept it and not eat while talking to you.
Or they will continue as usual as they have no manners and you won’t phone them often!

[Thelnebriati]

Lockdown might be making it worse for you if she doesnt have contact with other people. There are some resources you might find useful to help understand and deal with her behaviour.

The Karpman Drama Triangle - victim, persecutor, rescuer is a way of describing a cycling behaviour pattern where a person moves through 3 emotional states and their behaviour is based on which position they are currently in.
If she is in Persecutor mode, then you know she will move to Victim at some point, so she can feel aggrieved and offended by you.
Then she can rant about how badly you treat her, and the Rescuer is supposed to step in and sooth her hurt feelings. That might be another person or you giving an apology.
Then the whole game starts all over again.

If you read I'm OK, You're OK by Thomas Anthony Harris and Games People Play by Eric Berne its all set out in more detail with suggestions on how to stop playing the 'game' at all.

[Imissmoominmama]

I have this and that will fill me with rage. However, even without the condition, most people would think this was unbelievably rude.

[category12]

If she was a master at DARVO when you were younger, she still is.

[Rainbowx]

I have this and could literally murder my partner I have to walk away or hum or change sounds near me its awful op

[Delbelleber]

I don't know what your condition is as I've never heard of it but I do know your friend is really rude burping and chomping on the phone. Who does that?!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Why do you speak to her at all these days given how you were yourself treated by her as a child?

[SistemaAddict]

We are very close. She was codependent with my alcoholic dad who died several years ago now. She realises better now how I was affected by things when I was a child. My dad no longer being here means that none of that takes place anymore and I have made some kind of peace with it. I am NC with the rest of my family as they continued to be toxic and blame me for everything. They are also shitty with my mum.

She's normally considerate of my issues these days since I've explained things to her.

[Mrsjayy]

I see its your mum she sounds a delight she must exhaust you , anyway she is never going to be empathetic you might need to change your approach and either say I'll ring you back later or I have to go, telling her that she is getting to you is just going to cause you more upset and stress.