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Have you ever stopped loving your husband and did your relationship recover?

(21 Posts)
Mocoboco Sat 13-Jun-20 09:04:13

My wife says she's no longer in love with me and no longer finds me attractive, although she still loves me and really enjoys hanging out together etc.
We've got a 1.5 year old, she's been forced into full time childcare due to coronavirus and she's lost the job prospects she had. She's generally stressed out and depressed about that, as well as coronavirus itself and lockdown. She says she's not sure if it's all of that causing these feelings but suspects it's something deeper and that had started before C19.

Anyway we're both willing to fight for the relationship as we love the life that we've built together. My question is what can we do, and is it possible to get back on the right track? The main obvious recommendation seems to be therapy, but I wanted to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation before and recovered.. if there is anyone!

Best wishes
M

OP’s posts: |
Imissmoominmama Sat 13-Jun-20 09:10:44

Yes, and we did recover. I think I was ground down by life at the time and he wasn’t getting it. I became resentful and withdrew. I suspect a lot of marriages wax and wane- it can’t be rainbows and kittens all the time. The good thing is that you want to fight for your relationship. It’s our 22nd wedding anniversary today- there have been times I didn’t think we’d make that, but I’m so glad we did!

Spinakker Sat 13-Jun-20 09:15:42

How about reading that book about love languages with your wife? It's about learning the other persons love language. E.g. could be service, words, gifts which she values the most. Maybe if you can find out what each of your love languages are and then work on loving each other in that way that could be a solution. Sorry you are going through this, I think you should still try though. No one knows what the outcome might be and maybe set a time limit that you will try for 1 year? And try your utmost to improve things. I think it can be still salvageable. Lock down makes everything feels 10 times worse than usual times. And if she's depressed Maybe that is why she feels that way about you. Maybe ask her exactly what she's not happy about and go from there. You sound like your willing to try which is really admirable. Good luck.

Mocoboco Sun 14-Jun-20 10:02:39

Thanks for your replies both. I since found out that part of the reason she's not feeling in love with me or attracted to me is that she is attracted to another man. Has been for a while, she has cut off communication with him and doesn't intend to act on those feelings (don't think they're reciprocated anyway) but the feelings aren't going away, and are interfering with her feelings for me.
Does that sound like something that can be gotten past?

OP’s posts: |
Joginthepark2020 Sun 14-Jun-20 10:06:28

I would ask you this.....is it something YOU can get past!

Mocoboco Sun 14-Jun-20 11:07:13

Joginthepark2020

I would ask you this.....is it something YOU can get past!

Absolutely yes, I'm already past it. I understand that these things can happen in long term relationships and I had similar feelings many years ago when we were long distance so I understand what it's like. We both get that marriage is about making choices every day. The problem will be that if it's not possible to reignite the passion then it will become a "best friends marriage" rather than a "lovers marriage", which I don't think will be sustainable long term. We love our life too much to let that happen without a fight. It'd be great to hear stories of people getting through something like this to a fulfilling marriage.

OP’s posts: |
Echobelly Sun 14-Jun-20 11:10:08

I don't know about stopped loving, but I have had some very low ebbs, no particular reason although both while kids were very small, which may be connected I recognised at the time it was probably a low ebb rather than the end.

Gutterton Sun 14-Jun-20 11:28:28

How is it that you “have since found out that part of the reason is that she is attracted to another man” .... have you since found out between 9:04 and 10:02 today? That must be a shock?

If it is only part of the reason what are the other parts?

As PP have said RS and marriages wax and wane with the changes and stress of normal life stages and events - new babies, SAHP, working with school age children, teenagers, job losses, illness, caring for elderly relatives, grief, financial issues etc.

The question is can you come through these things together - are you a team - same goal, same values and supportive behaviours? Do you communicate openly, listen without judging, prioritise each other.

Do you behave with kindness and respect to each other always.

Those are the things that will get you through. If you do these things but it still doesn’t work - then you are not compatible as a couple and should consider going your separate ways. But it’s important to practice these behaviours because they will be needed to sustain any other RS either of you get into.

I hope you find your way through. These are v tough times. Be open and honest and kind to each other.

Sunshinedu Sun 14-Jun-20 11:56:01

Honestly if she doesn’t act on those feelings now, it will happen sometime again in the future.
It does seem the relationship has deeper cracks she is not communicating to you and may ha e been unhappy for a while without you knowing.
Is it saveable off course,can you get stringer sure but I think your not getting the full picture from her and communication is an issue between you both.
I would be careful here,have you fallen out if shape,spent long hours at work.It sounds to me she feels unloved and you were too comfortable to notice the change in her.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Sun 14-Jun-20 12:48:01

I definitely fell out of love with my husband for a period of time before we married. I was deeply depressed and very anxious about a big move we were making. I had feelings for a coworker (still do in a way) that i never acted on, and when i got treatment for the depression and the move was complete, my relationship got back on track. He's my best friend and my soulmate and my lover, and we're very happy now.

Mocoboco Sun 14-Jun-20 12:53:35

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

I definitely fell out of love with my husband for a period of time before we married. I was deeply depressed and very anxious about a big move we were making. I had feelings for a coworker (still do in a way) that i never acted on, and when i got treatment for the depression and the move was complete, my relationship got back on track. He's my best friend and my soulmate and my lover, and we're very happy now.

Thanks for your reply, that's great to hear and well done you!

OP’s posts: |
FatalSecrets Sun 14-Jun-20 12:56:28

I suppose it depends what you mean by recover?

We aren’t together but still love each other and co-parent well. That was the best outcome for us.

We had changed into a more sibling style relationship and for us it was more important to keep the relationship as friends and parents rather than try and get back lost feelings.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow Sun 14-Jun-20 13:34:57

@Mocoboco i never told him, though. I think if i had told him he (rightly) would have been incredibly hurt, and i doubt we would have recovered.

ittakes2 Tue 16-Jun-20 12:57:35

I think having a baby changes everything. It takes a while to adjust. These feelings for another man maybe to do with your wife missing a past part of her life ie before she squeezed out a watermelon and is now focused on your little one. You can get past this - you will only know if you try counselling and then decide.

Thinkingg Tue 16-Jun-20 13:05:17

You say she's been forced into full time childcare due to coronavirus and she's lost the job prospects she had. What are you doing to tackle that as a team? Was she "forced" due absolute financial necessity for the whole family unit, or is it partly about assuming your career takes precedence over hers? You may need to take a career hit to get hers back on track.

Sacredspace Tue 16-Jun-20 13:21:51

I haven’t read all of the comments, but I’m wondering if you and your wife would be open to a deep and honest conversation about the other person and what he represents to your wife? Whatever that is might hold the key to the difficulties you are both experiencing. Your wife might need some reassurance in order to open up about exactly what it is that she finds attractive about the other person. And you might need to have broad shoulders in order to take the comparison. Relationship Counselling is quite expensive, but could be well worth the time and money if it saves your marriage.

Livandme Tue 16-Jun-20 15:20:35

Do you want her on your team?

Is she caring, dependable, fun to be with?

Does she feel like home or will do?

Mocoboco Tue 16-Jun-20 17:29:07

Livandme

Do you want her on your team?

Is she caring, dependable, fun to be with?

Does she feel like home or will do?

Yes to all of these!

OP’s posts: |
Mocoboco Tue 16-Jun-20 17:34:22

Sacredspace

I haven’t read all of the comments, but I’m wondering if you and your wife would be open to a deep and honest conversation about the other person and what he represents to your wife? Whatever that is might hold the key to the difficulties you are both experiencing. Your wife might need some reassurance in order to open up about exactly what it is that she finds attractive about the other person. And you might need to have broad shoulders in order to take the comparison. Relationship Counselling is quite expensive, but could be well worth the time and money if it saves your marriage.

Yeah I'm not totally against that idea although I don't know exactly how useful its be as can't just emulate another person! Maybe it'll come up in therapy

OP’s posts: |
Mocoboco Tue 16-Jun-20 17:37:33

Thinkingg

You say she's been forced into full time childcare due to coronavirus and she's lost the job prospects she had. What are you doing to tackle that as a team? Was she "forced" due absolute financial necessity for the whole family unit, or is it partly about assuming your career takes precedence over hers? You may need to take a career hit to get hers back on track.

Unfortunately not a lot we can do about that in lockdown. She had a job offer with a company that gets its revenues from events, so that evaporated, and noones hiring in any industry at the moment... Just lucky my jobs rock solid at the mo!!

OP’s posts: |
Thinkingg Tue 16-Jun-20 18:15:10

Unfortunately not a lot we can do about that in lockdown. She had a job offer with a company that gets its revenues from events, so that evaporated, and noones hiring in any industry at the moment... Just lucky my jobs rock solid at the mo!!

Ah I see, sorry, I assumed she'd had to stop working for childcare reasons.
flowers sounds tough, I wish you the best in finding a way forward.

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