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Jealously or emotionally abuse

(24 Posts)
Gre8scott Sat 13-Jun-20 07:53:06

If one side of a couple is always suspicious of the other just it they are on their phone or pop out to work. Not liking them to have friends uncomfortable with their work relationship with members of the opposite sex not liking them talking to people on zoom . Conviced they are going to leave, comment on things they do like going for a walk or on their phone.
Liking lockdown cause they dont worry about them at work
Is this a jealously problem and needs sorted out or is this emotional abuse and is there something except leaving that can be done?

OP’s posts: |
Heismyopendoor Sat 13-Jun-20 07:55:41

Are you in this situation op?

This not normal or healthy. If you are the one that’s being stopped from having friends, can’t go anywhere without being heavily questioned, etc, then you need to leave.

Gre8scott Sat 13-Jun-20 08:03:59

And you dont think it's normal to be suspicious if the friend is the other sex?

OP’s posts: |
Treacletoots Sat 13-Jun-20 08:04:53

It's worse than that OP, it's coercive control, it's illegal and it WILL escalate.

Please take steps to get far away from this person for your own safety, I am not overreacting.

Treacletoots Sat 13-Jun-20 08:07:53

If you're questioning 'is this normal' it means you've started to be trained by the other person into believing their abuse is OK. You know it's not normal.

Incidentally, people who are obsessed with their partners 'cheating' are usually projecting from their own behaviour.

Gre8scott Sat 13-Jun-20 08:10:01

Thanks for the advice x

OP’s posts: |
Heismyopendoor Sat 13-Jun-20 08:29:37

No, it’s not normal.

AuntImmortelle Sat 13-Jun-20 08:47:12

Absolutely not normal or healthy.

Bananalanacake Sat 13-Jun-20 08:49:31

It's very controlling. If there are no children involved they should leave.

pog100 Sat 13-Jun-20 08:51:19

This level of jealousy IS emotional abuse and the only answer is to split. Simple as that.

Gre8scott Sat 13-Jun-20 08:53:38

Why cant it be worked through

OP’s posts: |
TidyDancer Sat 13-Jun-20 08:55:43

Which side of this are you OP? This is a dangerous and abusive scenario. I have a friend in this exact circumstance. I am very worried about him, his wife is extremely controlling and their marriage is in the toilet. I just hope he gets out before it gets worse.

Gre8scott Sat 13-Jun-20 09:50:12

Do you work together

OP’s posts: |
SunshineSmellsLikeSummer Sat 13-Jun-20 10:09:54

The two arent mutually exclusive, OP.

Much emotional abuse comes from feelings of insecurity or inadequacy and wanting to bring the other person down a peg or two or wanting to control their behaviour so that the jealous person is less 'triggered'.

Why cant it be worked through

Generally because unless the 'wronged' person is actually doing something deliberate or inconsiderate to upset the other, only one person can change this - the jealous person. And, as they feel justified in their feelings and that they are right, there is little impetus to change.

It requires a lot of insight on behalf of the jealous person.

When I was much younger, I was very jealous and insecure and, tbh, I made my partner at the time's life a misery. that wasn't my intention. I was just so insecure and filled with self loathing that I was angry at him that other women existed and he wasn't blind. He never behaved disrespectfully or inconsiderately. Not even once. I ended it in the end because I could see the effect it was having on both of us

It wasn't until I was on the receiving end of it, many years later, that I realised how destructive and abusive it was.

A little jealousy is normal because it means the other person is important to you. But once it begins to affect the way you behave and live your life, it has crossed over into abuse.

Bunnymumy Sat 13-Jun-20 10:13:55

Opposite view -

Here's the thing: has the person been given reason to be this paranoid?

Eg: does their partner constantly talk about a certain work friend? Do they compare person above unfavorably to others? Do they talk to random people of the opposite sex online, neglecting their partner whilst doing so?

Abusive partners can make you paranoid and crazy.

Either way though, this relationship is not healthy. And I'm sorry but it 100 percent needs to end. The jealous person needs to be single whilst they get to the route of these issues (and if they establish thet are solely caused by this partners mind games, then they need to work on their boundaries) and fix them.

Gre8scott Sat 13-Jun-20 10:14:25

Thank you for your honest reponse

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longtimecomin Sat 13-Jun-20 13:41:08

My ex was like this 'what do you mean you had a meeting with another bloke for an hour? What did you talk about for an hour?' Duh work, honestly he thought I was blowing all these men. It's coercive control, took me nearly a year to kick him out.

Gre8scott Sat 13-Jun-20 15:16:45

X

OP’s posts: |
GilbertMarkham Sat 13-Jun-20 15:28:00

It's abuse.

It can't be worked through because people like this rarely rarely change.

Their relationships only last for as long as it takes for the partner to realise and while they put up with it.

They might be long-term if the partner outs up with it long-term fir whatever (unhealthy/trapped) reasons.

If I had to get on someone like this changing - permanently - I wouldnt be betting much money. A pittance in fact.

Behind this behaviour is a set of values (around relationships a d their attitude to a partner) that are entrenched, part of the formation of their character, and do not change

This is quite extend too.

GilbertMarkham Sat 13-Jun-20 15:28:59

As Lundy Bancroft beautifully put it about their behaviour (often depicted as love by them)..

"That's not love, that's ownership".

GilbertMarkham Sat 13-Jun-20 15:30:15

*quite extreme

GilbertMarkham Sat 13-Jun-20 15:32:29

Btw it is also jealousy - jealousy and possessiveness and control are done if the reasons behind behaviour like this .. which is emotionally abuse.

A bit of jealousy is not uncommon and somewhat natural - but if someone can't deal with it and tried to control their partner .... It's dysfunctional and abusive.

Gre8scott Sat 13-Jun-20 17:08:51

Thank you for the reponse

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Sat 13-Jun-20 17:10:36

It is abuse. Coercive control.

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