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Angry childish DH(45 Posts)
Can anyone please tell me your thoughts on this situation that happened recently. I have changed my name and I don’t want to give too much back story as I just want to talk about this one incident.
My DH came home from work last night, was in a normal/good mood. He and I went for a walk around our neighbourhood while the kids stayed home (they are almost 16, 11 & 9) had a great chat etc.
When we got home he was sitting in the lounge and my 16yo was in the kitchen, I heard him call our sons name repeatedly (a bit like that gopher meme that calls out Allan repeatedly) just constant Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason* (not his real name).
I poked my head around the corner from the hall and sort of smiled and said “really? Why don’t you just go and speak to him face to face?” Well then his face just darkened, he lifted his phone as if he was about the throw it but instead slammed it down on the couch then stomped to the kitchen and said to our son angrily “just tell me what you want for dinner so I can get it” my son sort of laughed and said “why are you angry at me, I haven’t done anything” then my husband was like ‘ok, so anything then, you want nothing, fine I’ll get you nothing for dinner’
We were just shocked at his childishness and he got more angry.
I went to our room as I was mad at him and he followed me and said are we going to talk about it or is this going to carry on all weekend.
Here’s the thing, in the past he used to to act like a jerk for days and then just seemingly get over it and be all happy and sunshine and if I was still standoffish due to being upset he would tell me that I’M the reason there’s still tension in the house as I was keeping the argument going.
So anyway, when he said that tonight I got my back up and calmly explained why he had upset me and I thought he was being unreasonable. He denied it at first then went quiet so I thought he understood.
I then went out for a little bit to get some space.
WHEN I got back 20mins later, he was mad at our 9yo, he told me why but it didn’t seem like a huge deal but I wasn’t there so didn’t see what had happened.
In the end, I’m sitting at the table eating and he’s trying to get our 9yo to go to his room. Our 9yo is crying and standing near me (to be fair he wasn’t listening about going to his room) and my DH went to climb over the table to get to him.
He was furious. He got mad at me for not holding our son so he could grab him and take him to his bedroom.
I told my DH enough and he got mad and went to our bedroom and we didn’t see him for the rest of the night.
When I woke up today he is at work and I’m a bit anxious about what his behaviour will be when he gets home.
Will he be remorseful and apologise or will he still be angry and tense and put us all on edge. I feel sick thinking about it.
So should I have backed my DH up? Not said anything to him about his behaviour? Was he being reasonable?
(There’s a few more details I have left out, mainly my DH talking to the 9yo so childishly)
This is not on. Do not accept this behaviour and do not let this man treat you or DC like this
I think you've left too much background out because there's a history of unpleasant behaviour and people have told you to leave? It's very difficult to comment but would I want to be held to ransom by someone's moods and be walking on eggshells? No.
Why did he kick off so suddenly? Does he have a condition (add/adhd) or any medical reason why he gets like this? It's not acceptable and the kids won't stop winding him up but it will damage them. If you don't think he's sbusiveabusive you need to sit him down away from the family home and see if he's willing to get treatment for it.
This seems like a ridiculous way to behave and you seem anxious about his return. That's not good.
It sounds like he had a short temper?
If so, that needs addressing and fixing.
Was he in a bad mood? Is it just lockdown tension?
Just to clarify we're not in the UK.
Our lockdown has eased quite a bit so I don't think it's that. He has continued to work etc so we've had no job or financial worries.
He has no medical conditions and has previously had form for this type of behaviour.
Yes I totally agree with you about the short temper,
He in my opinion sounds like he has IED ( Intermittent Explosive Disorder) .
It’s like treading on egg shells and it’s worse if the person is woken up from sleeping.
They need to see their GP as soon as possible to get it under control .
I've never heard of that before @avamiah I'll read about it.
So should I forgive him? Get over it?
I'm not sure where to go from here.
He's just got home from work and he's acting like nothing at all has happened.
I'm assuming he's hoping I'll just be bubbly and happy again and sweep it all under the rug (again) like it never happened.
Despite me feeling awful with puffy eyes from crying so much last night.
I don't see the issue if I'm honest?
Why was jason ignoring him? The children sound disrespectful and bratty. He is probably fed up.
Yes you should read up on it, google it .
It’s very real ( Mayo Clinic )
Their outbursts are very short but they can be violent and aggressive and damage things then 40 mins later act as if nothing has happened .
Your husband sounds terrifying. Climbing over the table to grab a 9 year old? Even if your son wasn't listening immediately, that type of reaction is totally unhinged.
@louise5754 and @ginaswig that's my problem I guess, there is a pattern of past behaviour but I'm so used to it I never know if I'm wrong to be upset by it or if it's bad behaviour on my DH's part.
My oldest DS was in another room and couldn't hear him calling, plus he didn't even give him a chance to answer, I just thought if it was important my DH could have gone to him? And my 9yo to be fair wasn't doing what he was told at the time but was also scared of my DH
He’s bullying and terrorising your children. It doesn’t matter if it’s only occasionally. Does he ever apologise to them? Admit he’s in the wrong? You shouldn’t all have to be walking on eggshells in your own home. Also, regarding this IED thing, does he ever do this in public or at work? My guess is he doesn’t. Keep safe
Your DH is definitely out of order. Whether it’s a medical condition or an unpleasant, abusive personality it’s his responsibility to recognise it and deal with it. Totally unacceptable to be climbing over tables to grab a child.
Trying to climb over a table to get to a child is full on. That’s terrifying.
Why are people medicalising abusive behaviour ?
Climbing over a table to get close enough to manhandle a 9yo is way out of line. You sound frightened of him with good reason becsuse he sounds like an explosive bully and like it wouldn't take much to spill into violence
He isn't ill, he is abusive
When did being a moody, angry sod become a ‘disorder?’
Without knowing more, it sounds to me personally like the kids are not listening to him & you may be quite a permissive parent?
While his style may be more authorative ?
Son doesn’t answer to name being called repeatedly
Son openly scoffs at parent who is upset with him
You think parent should have to go to child if something is important rather than call out to them. If my dad who worked hard to provide for my family wanted to sit on his bum & call out to us we would go to him, he would not be expected to get up. But perhaps this is my Italian culture showing. But I have a lot of respect for my dad, which sounds like he lacks.
The other child was apparently terrified but not so terrified as to do what he was told which was go to his room. You have not backed up the other parent with a punishment. You are not a United front. Your kids sound like they know they can play one off against the other & if they don’t want to listen to dad then Mum silk rescue them.
He could be abusive or you could have two kids who lack discipline & respect. Without knowing more it is hard to say.
But my initial feeling is he took exception at you suggesting he should go look for your son & not call out to him. But we are loud so hollering for someone in the other end of the house is not a problem.
Your son being in the kitchen & not responding here is the problem. Chances are he heard his dad call & has ignored him from what you infer.
Also yes you should have backed up your husband & told son to go on up to his room & mum + dad will be up later to chat with him about whatever behaviour got him sent to his room ! Then you can deal with any issues you disagree with away from the kids.
You are also undermining your husband by telling him to go find your son instead of call out to him. the little smile you mention could be seen as patronising. Why didn’t instead of you popping your head in & telling husband to look for son why didn’t you go into kitchen where you apparently knew son was & say “hey mate dad’s calling you!”
That’s the main part I don’t get here. Why you would see the parent calling the child as something to correct, when it should be the child listening to their parent.
Maybe this is a drip feed... Maybe not
I guess I was closest to my DH and my DS was at the other end of the house and tbh I thought my DH was trying to be funny by calling so constantly hence the smile, it wasn't a smirk, it was supposed to be he clearly can't hear you why don't you go to him?
If I call my DS at the other end of the house and he doesn't respond I then assume he can't hear my and go to him? I'm actually surprised at the comments about this as o thought it was just polite?
If my DH called out to me and I didn't respond he would come and find me so I can't see why a teenager should be treated differently?
In saying that I am taking all comments on board.
There is a back story though as I said, I just wanted opinions on this particular time
@vikingwife, you are reading an awful lot into OP's posts that isn't there. You have no idea whether her older son heard his father - in fact, from his reaction, it seems pretty clear that he didn't.
As for the incident with the 9 year old, was OP really supposed to hold her son so that her husband could climb over the table and physically drag him from the room?
Is this the environment you want your children growing up in, when home is meant to be a safe place ?
Is this how you want your children thinking a parent should act ?
He sounds like a bully to me, OP. And this must be a terribly stressful environment for your children. (I speak from childhood experience.) You already know how stressful it is for you. This bit really jumped out at me:
**Here’s the thing, in the past he used to to act like a jerk for days and then just seemingly get over it and be all happy and sunshine and if I was still standoffish due to being upset he would tell me that I’M the reason there’s still tension in the house as I was keeping the argument going.
This is one of the examples of controlling, abusive behaviour described by Lundy Bancroft in his books 'Why Does He Do That?' and 'When Dad hurts Mom.' I really recommend them.
I honestly don't think you should move like this, nor that your children should have to live like this (regardless of whether they are being 'difficult', as some posters seem to think. They don't sound difficult to me, and children shouldn't have to be on perfect, immaculate behaviour every second for fear of an aggressive outburst. They're kids).
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