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Strange behaviour during lockdown

(46 Posts)
EmeliaLily Thu 11-Jun-20 15:11:34

Really need your help!

I've been umming and ahhing about posting this for a little while now, mainly because I thought I was being paranoid. But my gut feeling tells me there's something to suspect!

My OH has been spending a lot of time on his phone/laptop during lockdown. He always did to be honest, it's always been a pet peeve of mine, we used to have to have 'phone bans' when going out for a romantic meal. But now he's on the phone even more than our kids are and always seems to act embarrassed or like I caught him doing something when I mention he's addicted to the device.

I just have a bad feeling that he's been messaging another woman. I haven't confronted him yet, I'm not sure how to, he's always quite defensive and make me feel stupid for questioning him. We've been married for 8 years (together for 10) and I have felt at times that the passion has left our relationship, but he's my best friend.

What should I do? Am I going crazy? Maybe he's just bored as he's been furloughed. Should I speak to him or should I check his phone myself and see if he's hiding anything?

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EmeliaLily Thu 11-Jun-20 15:14:08

Any help would be much appreciated!!

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Windyatthebeach Thu 11-Jun-20 15:15:34

Shame if the Wi-Fi went down one day.. Await his reaction..

EmeliaLily Thu 11-Jun-20 15:18:27

@Windyatthebeach you know, that's an excellent point... how can I shut it down without him knowing it was me? Oh wait, there's always his internet on his phone..

I'm worried about bringing it up because he gets quite defensive about things, flips then on me and then I feel like we obsess over these things for weeks after. If I'm wrong I feel like he will take it very personally

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Solomon1212 Thu 11-Jun-20 15:20:37

Put parental controls on lol.

diamondeyes Thu 11-Jun-20 15:23:48

Can't you see what he's doing on his phone or laptop, like glance over or is he doing it in private?
If he's never given you a reason to not trust him then I wouldn't bother worrying about it. It could be disastrous if you snoop, he'll feel his personal space is invaded and men need their private space in my experience.

TimelyManor Thu 11-Jun-20 15:28:18

I'm worried about bringing it up because he gets quite defensive about things, flips then on me

Mine was the same. He was cheating. He also blamed me for everything but that was part of a much bigger abuse.

alicejen Thu 11-Jun-20 15:29:50

Check iphone battery?

pooopypants Thu 11-Jun-20 15:30:44

Could it be porn?

Crystalspider Thu 11-Jun-20 16:13:32

When he's on it just go and stand or sit next to him and just what up you up then? he should show you if there's nothing to hide. It could be that he doesn't like being told off and thats why he's embarrassed.
Snappy or annoyed behaviour would suggest he's hiding something.

ravenmum Thu 11-Jun-20 16:32:31

Is the phone set up so that messages show up briefly on the lock screen? Does he ever let go of it?

Normally there's other behaviour that's a bit weird, too, if they are having an affair. When you say that he always makes you feel stupid for questioning him, do you mean that you've suggested he's having an affair in the past?

category12 Thu 11-Jun-20 16:34:49

Go for a walk together - forget your phone - say you have "something you want to quickly google" or someone you want to call briefly and ask to borrow his. His reaction will tell you something.

Jessy2903 Thu 11-Jun-20 16:35:48

I would say comfort him and ask him out right, but IF anything is going on, he's likely to deny it.
I know it's not right, but if I suspected that I would get his phone while he was in the shower and snoop.
Hopefully it's nothing to worry about!

CoronaIsShit Thu 11-Jun-20 16:42:07

Good god, don’t confront, he’ll only lie and hide it better if he’s up too something!

You need to get hold of his phone. When he’s asleep? Anyone who says just ask him and expect the truth is naive.

If you have reason to suspect, act on it.

Sicario Thu 11-Jun-20 16:42:12

The big tell will be whether he is territorial about his phone. Not letting it out of his sight. Not letting you use it. Not knowing the passcode.Those would be enormous red flags that he is hiding something.

CoronaIsShit Thu 11-Jun-20 16:46:15

Sorry if he’s up to something not too.

I’ve done checked up on DH myself in the past and would do again if necessary. Didn’t find anything but don’t feel guilt as I see it as self-protection.

bettybr2020 Fri 12-Jun-20 11:51:06

I would say try and delve further. There is definitely something suspicious...

EmeliaLily Fri 12-Jun-20 13:03:47

thank you so much everybody for all of this advice! Wow, yeah, it seems that it may not be a bad idea to go through his phone. I've never done it before as i had an ex who used to be quite obsessive and do it to me. plus if you trust someone why should you? But he has become quite territorial about his phone it's super weird

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EmeliaLily Fri 12-Jun-20 13:04:09

Solomon1212

Put parental controls on lol.

This made me laugh lol!

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EmeliaLily Fri 12-Jun-20 13:05:10

pooopypants

Could it be porn?

I don't think it is as he will be glued to his phone on the coach, you wouldn't really watch something like that in the living room round the kids. I don't think i would be upset if it was porn either

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EmeliaLily Fri 12-Jun-20 13:09:09

@category12 @Crystalspider @ravenmum @Sicario @Jessy2903 @CoronaIsShit @bettybr2020
I think you all make valid points to make me question why I haven't looked already! I think he's left me with no choice. He does get confrontational whenever I mention his phone - I think the idea of self preservation is more important here now then the guilt. We stand to lose a lot as a family if he is actually having an affair

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Fox43 Fri 12-Jun-20 13:25:20

You need to be 100% sure you don't trust him if you're gonna go in his phone. Going through someone's phone as you know, is really unhealthy behaviour. Does he leave his phone about around you? Does he receive notifications or are they all turned off? Does he take it to the toilet/bathroom etc? Sleep with it under his pillow, out of reach of you? Some really good points to think about. But if it's tormenting you and will put your mind at ease then you could do it but make sure it's in a safe environment and you won't get caught. I hope it all works out for you

Dollyrocket Fri 12-Jun-20 14:12:31

Apart from his phone, are there other signs?

MinteeFresh Fri 12-Jun-20 14:16:13

You need to be 100% sure you don't trust him if you're gonna go in his phone. Going through someone's phone as you know, is really unhealthy behaviour.

I totally disagree with this. If he's got nothing to hide, no harm done, you know you've got a good'un. Otherwise, always better to know what you are dealing with in my book.

ravenmum Fri 12-Jun-20 14:25:47

I felt bad about looking at my ex's emails even when I had lots of reaons to think something was going on, going back months. Even though they proved me right, I still feel bad that I invaded his privacy in such a sneaky way. If I'd been wrong and he'd realised I'd snooped through his things, he'd have been entirely justified in leaving me.

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