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He blames me for everything.

(19 Posts)
littlegreyswan Thu 11-Jun-20 08:03:18

I've been with my partner for 10 years. We have 2 dc.
I've had enough of him blaming me for everything.
If anything goes wrong it's my fault.
If tried telling him and he will say he isn't blaming me. Some times he will apologize and then do it again anyway.
It's really making me feel low.

What can I say to him to make him listen?

OP’s posts: |
Delbelleber Thu 11-Jun-20 10:27:20

You could ask him to explain to you exactly how it is your fault.
I wouldn't expect him to change though. Some people are just arse holes like that!

Aquamarine1029 Thu 11-Jun-20 10:29:40

Gaslighting, emotional abusers don't listen. That's why you should leave him.

GinGinHooray Thu 11-Jun-20 10:32:41

I would clarify with him every single time...

'So....we are late today and that's my fault?'
'So....the washing machine has broken and that's my fault?'
'So...DD is throwing a tantrum and that's my fault?'
Etc etc.

Every single time I would get him to actually say the words 'yes, it's your fault' to show him what an unreasonable dick he's being.

(Btw people who feel inferior do this to try to appear like they are the better person, when in fact they feel shit about themselves and incompetent)

Forest1000 Thu 11-Jun-20 10:38:59

I think that blaming other people is a mindset and a habit that is incredibly hard to esacpe from. And I'm afraid that I don't the approach recommended by GinGInHooray will be exhausting and unlikely to work, because if someone wants to believe it's your fault, they will always find a way.

TwentyViginti Thu 11-Jun-20 10:43:00

What can I say to him to make him listen?

You can't. He doesn't want to listen, he wants to blame.

BertiesLanding Thu 11-Jun-20 10:57:50

There's little to no point in reasoning or pointing this out. The only effective way of doing something is to stop playing the game ... which can include leaving altogether.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 11-Jun-20 11:18:05

He will never listen to you because in his eyes you are beneath him and certainly not his equal. His intention is to make you feel low and or otherwise not know which way is up.

This is who he is and his word to him is above yours; you are there to do the scut work and or for him to boss you about. He has no respect for you whatsoever. Gaslighting emotional abusers like this individual do not change

What do you want your children to teach your children about relationships here and what are they learning here from you both?. Soon enough they could well start talking to you the same ways as their dad is now doing, you do not want this for them either.

I would seriously consider getting an exit plan together, you and he should no longer be together at all. Womens Aid are well worth calling here.

Yeahnahmum Thu 11-Jun-20 11:46:49

Just ask him
How is this my fault

Make him explain why he thinks you are to blame

And reason with him, tell him your side of the story.

If he continues doing this, tell him to Fuck off

Porridgeoat Thu 11-Jun-20 15:52:46

What sort of things is he blaming you for?

Windyatthebeach Thu 11-Jun-20 16:01:46

Maybe suggest as you are such a disaster he may be best suited to fucking off...
Offer to help pack...

Deathraystare Thu 11-Jun-20 17:05:55

*Maybe suggest as you are such a disaster he may be best suited to fucking off...
Offer to help pack...*

Yes God forbid that 'Mr Magnificent' is saddled with someone like you when he could do so much better on his own (or could he? Who would he blame then?!)

Deathraystare Thu 11-Jun-20 17:06:41

If he keeps on just say "Thank Christ you are so perfect. How would we all cope otherwise?"

MikeUniformMike Thu 11-Jun-20 17:55:45

I've heard this sort of talk.

He has no respect for you OP.

I would call him out on it each time, ask him to explain how it is your fault.
He is probably projecting on to you.

Don't ignore him, get him to accept responsibility for things that are his fault, and to not blame you as an excuse.

Personally, I'd cut my losses and get legal advice about separation and divorce.

TomPettysTopHat Thu 11-Jun-20 18:19:12

I'm reading 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans and she talks about this at length. I highly recommend it.

Reasoning with him is a waste of your time. He doesn't want to hear your reasons. It is about power and control.

ThePathToHealing Thu 11-Jun-20 21:48:46

My ex was the same. He is listening to you, that's why he apologised, he just doesn't care enough to stop. It serves too strong a purpose (stops him feeling shame or anger by shaming or being angry at others). The only way he can change is if he wants to change. I think it's highly unlikely that he will as these reactions conscious or otherwise are pretty well ingrained by adulthood.

The resentment at being blamed all the time will keep building and building. It's not your burden to bear.

Ellizabee Thu 11-Jun-20 22:26:17

My partner does this. But, he also makes it out like I'm blaming him for things which I haven't blamed him for. Does he twist your words too? My partner got diagnosed with Depression. Maybe that'll be a factor. Luckily, my partner is just about to get the help needed. He never used to be like that before getting depressed.

Lookatthat Thu 11-Jun-20 22:30:47

I really feel for you OP as that can be so draining. Have you looked in to couples counselling? It may be that he isn’t good at communicating what is actually wrong or the root of this.

bevm72yellow Thu 11-Jun-20 23:08:31

he is not prepared to listen. blaming is a way of passing off responsibility to somebody else. he is very sutley taking away your self esteem. men who emotionally abuse do this. marriage counselling would not work as he does not see the problem. he sees your actions or words as the problem. my former husband is like this amongst other things. professional people at Womens Aid made me take a good look at myself and what I tolerate in a relationship. they are well worth a visit to think about what you accept in a relationship and how to set your boundaries.

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