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Would you have allowed him to get away with this?

(51 Posts)
LOVELYDOVEY05 Thu 11-Jun-20 04:35:54

You have a daughter then some 10 years later a son. One day you discover their father has been abusing your daughter. You decide to keep it all under the carpet as basically the damage has been done and you do not want to split the family. (This is what she told me as the reason)
The son goes on to have a fantastic life with good career and stable
marriage/offspring. The daughter does reasonably well career wise
but spends years in therapy .
I am guessing the mother also had a great home and lifestyle or at least a break up would have not been good financially

OP’s posts: |
Windmillwhirl Thu 11-Jun-20 04:41:53

So basically would you have accepted and covered up abuse of your child? Absolutely not.

If you are the daughter op, I am very sorry this happened to you.

AmelieTaylor Thu 11-Jun-20 04:48:18

You sound like you're the daughter flowers

No, definitely would not have covered it up to 'keep the family together' - I'd want him as far away from my kids & myself as possible. I'd report it so he didn't get any access.

You don't have to have contact with either of them if you don't want to x

whatacrazytime Thu 11-Jun-20 04:53:14

She stayed with the father knowing he abused his daughter?! Unforgettable absolutely out of order. How someone can stay with an abuser of their child is beyond me.

GinasWig Thu 11-Jun-20 05:01:46

Of course i would not look the other way. I qould ask my daughter if she wants to report him and offer my full support. I would feel immense guilt for failing her and not noticing. Or maybe the mother did suspect but chose to turn a blind eye?

GinasWig Thu 11-Jun-20 05:02:21

As the daughter i would go no contact with both parents and shop the dad.

Pixxie7 Thu 11-Jun-20 05:19:17

Absolutely not. What year did this happen?

Frannibananni Thu 11-Jun-20 05:19:50

My friends mother took the abusers side even through the court case where he admitted it. Told everyone he was doing a overseas charity Trip when he was in jail. Crazy bitch was jealous and treated her daughter like the other woman.

TiffanyPerspicaciaWeatherwax Thu 11-Jun-20 05:29:11

I would have gotten my kids out of the house the moment I knew and done everything in my power to make sure he never came near them again. If the daughter was you OP I'm so sorry your parents put you through that, both your fathers abuse and your mother colluding and denying what you went through by pretending it didnt happen. Whoever the mother and father in your OP are what they both did was horrible and morally indefensible.

Bl3ss3dm0m Thu 11-Jun-20 05:34:55

No, as a wife and a mother I would never had let him get away with that, I am so sorry that that happened, and really hope that the daughter can deal with the betrayal from the two people who should have supported her the most. All the fault lies with the parents, and none with the child. As her younger brother is now grown up it might be good for him to know about this (if he doesn't already), especially if he has children of his own. Much love to the abused daughter.

Topdog234 Thu 11-Jun-20 06:11:12

Unfortunately this is more common than you would think. It happened in my in laws family. FILs step daughter accused him of abusing her when she was a child and he was convicted and went to prision. Despite this the girls mother stayed with him and now he has been released they are still together. Everyone in DHs family thinks she was fabricating it. I have never met her and don't know what to think. She still has some sort of relationship with her mother despite all of this.

Ilovecakeallthetime Thu 11-Jun-20 06:14:12

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale Thu 11-Jun-20 06:18:38

Short version: its easier to believe that you made it up than believe that she married an abuser.

Here is part of a message from my friend when I told her about being assaulted and then not believed by mutual aquaintances. As a professional (a psychotherapist who works with both adults and children who have been abused) and also the CEO of a charity which works with survivors of sexual abuse, I’m also conscious of the fact that, while there is still a very long way to go, there has been an incredible increase of awareness, in the non-professional population in recent years – but, even so, there is still a worrying unwillingness to accept that nice, “respectable” people (i.e. people like us) could possibly do things “like that” - because accepting that makes the world a very scary and dangerous place, so far better to hold to the idea of nasty low-lives (who will never mix in our circles and so don’t need to concern us).

user47000000000 Thu 11-Jun-20 06:25:39

What evidence was the male convicted on?

NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage Thu 11-Jun-20 06:33:47

Sadly this used to happen a lot in the ‘olden days’. I don’t think it is as likely to happen now.

Bibe Thu 11-Jun-20 06:52:17

Absolutely not. But I think this could be a generational thing. Doesn't make it okay, but our previous generations were much more dependent on men, much more likely to accept this kind of behaviour, even if it was morally indefensible. Women felt often like they had little or no choice and felt powerless. I've no doubt that the women did everything she felt she could for the daughter, for her to turn out to be relatively successful albeit needing therapy. I'm glad she's done alright.

category12 Thu 11-Jun-20 07:02:08

No, I bloody hope i would get my daughter the hell out of there, and never speak or look at him again, and support her if he was prosecuted.

I think it's horrendous that your mother did nothing. I would cut them both out. Especially if you have children of your own. I hope you have support.

Topdog234 Thu 11-Jun-20 07:04:24


What evidence was the male convicted on?

As far as I can gather (secondhand from my DH) it was a case of her word against his. The case was over 10 years after the abuse ended. My DH felt she won the case because she came across better in court. There were no witnesses for the proscecution but it relied on her testimony and her psychiatrist's report. All of DHs family testified against her.

booboo24 Thu 11-Jun-20 08:03:43

Absolutely not. I wouldn't hesitate in getting her as far away from him as possible, police would be called straight away and I wouldn't look back.

I think that like other posters have said, 'back then' things were different, and this was more likely to be swept under the carpet. Doesn't make it ok though, and if I were the daughter I would never have anything to do with my mum again. I'm glad the daughter is ok and has made something of her life despite this, I cant image how tough that must have been/still is

763freedom Thu 11-Jun-20 08:10:51

No he would not have got away with this.
I would have had his balls on a stick.
I am so sorry OP flowers

CASCASCAS Thu 11-Jun-20 08:34:46

Simple put no.
I am so sorry for you

Thinkpinkstink Thu 11-Jun-20 08:39:26

Nope. The only reason I wouldn't literally kill my husband if he did that is because my daughter would need me not to be in prison.

He'd have gone, police involved, push for prosecution. NonMol agreement, there's no way in hell I'd let that slide.

I'm so sorry that you weren't protected as you should have been.

Ouchjuststoodonlego Thu 11-Jun-20 08:53:40

Sadly it does still happen today. I have first hand experience of there not being enough evidence despite a very young child's description of abuse. The mother stayed with the accused abuser and went on to have two further children with him. sad

whatthefuckamisupposedtodo Thu 11-Jun-20 09:02:17

Never would I turn a blind eye to an abuser abusing my child .. or any child

category12 Thu 11-Jun-20 09:07:01

Yes, I think trying to pass it off as a thing of the past is probably coming from a good place but misguided: it's still a massive issue. Some women do stand by their man despite knowing what horrors he's capable of.

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