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Is there any point trying at my age?

(25 Posts)
Shallilly Wed 10-Jun-20 22:52:32

I’ve been widowed now for three years. I had a lovely marriage, and I miss dh so much. I don’t think I will ever love, or be loved, in the same way again.

But I’m desperately lonely. My dc are adults with lives and interests of their own (although still at home). My friends are all in very different places to me. I think OLD will be the only way for me to meet anyone but I’m scared of it not working at my age (55). I’m very unphotogenic (although I think in the flesh I’m ok). Also, is there any point trying now that we’re in lockdown?

Ideally I’d prefer to meet someone in rl but I don’t have the sort of lifestyle where I meet many new people. Since being widowed I’ve met several people who have been bereaved for a shorter time than I have, but have already moved on and found new partners. I guess I’m just feeling that I should be further forward than I am and should be trying to somehow make a new life for myself.

OP’s posts: |
Shallilly Wed 10-Jun-20 23:02:35

Re-reading my post it makes it sound as if I’m only considering dating because I think I should be! That’s not the case - I do feel ready but I’m just scared!

OP’s posts: |
Ohnonotnow Wed 10-Jun-20 23:07:40

Sorry for your loss.
All I will say is don't compare yourself to others, do what feels right for you.

user8558 Wed 10-Jun-20 23:25:52

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Of course theres a point in trying! I'm sure you can take a lovely selfie even if you do think you're unphotogenic. Don't go looking for love, but there will be companions and adventures to be had. Who knows what may follow. Have a lovely time

JustKittenAround Thu 11-Jun-20 00:11:03

You likely won’t love or be loved in exactly the same way. That’s actually a good thing, because it is a testament to your last partnership. It’s also an acknowledgement of whoever wonderful and new enters your life. Every real love and relationship is unique. It’s the bad ones that follow an almost predictable pattern.

Dating and relationships are scary at any age. You are a treasure. Give yourself permission to enrich someone else’s life, and have yours enriched in return.

diamondeyes Thu 11-Jun-20 00:22:35

Sorry for your loss
My mother lost her partner three years ago and has been single since. Don't compare yourself to friends or feel you should be somewhere. You're on your own journey and you will find someone to enjoy your time with

DramaAlpaca Thu 11-Jun-20 02:59:21

I've heard of a website called WAY, Widowed and Young, which might be worth looking into?

Don't rush into anything. You won't replicate your marriage of course and I'm sure you don't want to, but in time you could have a relationship that is different but just as special. Go for it, you are still young and deserve some happiness. Try not to be scared. OK, I guess it must be absolutely terrifying!! But you don't know what you'll find until you put yourself out there.

I'm very sorry for your loss flowers

daisypond Thu 11-Jun-20 03:09:55

The OP is unfortunately above the age limit for WAY, which has a cut-off of 50. There is a group for those older than that age, but you may find they are quite a lot older.

Shallilly Thu 11-Jun-20 05:14:51

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words smile

OP’s posts: |
BatshitCrazyWoman Thu 11-Jun-20 19:48:37

So sorry for your loss, OP.

I met an amazing man last year, just before my 55th birthday. I met him online. It's never too late.

billy1966 Thu 11-Jun-20 20:21:18

So sorry for your loss.

Of course you are lonely.
You had a lovely partner.

Definitely not too late.

I very rarely take a good photo, but somehow am a good looking woman IRL. Don't ask me. My daughters are the same, magic in the flesh but somehow the photos are wonky!

The key is to view the photo as a project.
Google how to take a good one.
Clothes, colour, light,pose, head tilt, you name it there ARE tricks to it.

Definitely put yourself out there on OLD.
Don't expect anything or much even.

It will definitely be a diversion from the boredom at the moment, and I would suggest you view it as such.

What harm can it be.
No rushing into anything....just have a really good nose about as to what it's like.

Wishing you well.
You sound

MMmomDD Thu 11-Jun-20 20:47:16

OP - when I read the title of your message I expected you to be decades older than you actually are...
Is it worth it at 55? Of course it is. You are not old by any definition. Plenty of men your age go on websites and date. Absolutely no reason why you can’t be.
It isn’t easy, however after being married for a long time. It takes thick skin and confidence.
First off - shave a few years off in your dating profile - everybody does that. And if you put in 55 - you’ll then start getting 65yos hitting on you.
Then see if someone with a good phone can take a few good pictures.
And then just go for it. Best not to have any expectations - just see how it goes.
Nothing to lose really.

Good luck!

wantmorenow Thu 11-Jun-20 23:01:38

Definitely not too old and worth a go. I read once (no idea where), that those who had good, happy marriages once which end through bereavement are more likely to have a second happy relationship than those coming out of unhappy ones.

Something to do with having high expectations, previous good experiences and the skills to make a relationship work. You have a lot of living yet to do and having a lovely person to share life with can be a blessing and make good times even better.

Go for it with some humour, and see what happens. Good luck.

villageshop Fri 12-Jun-20 00:34:33

All great recommendations and I'd also hunt out some local walking or exercise or art groups or whatever interests you - lots are doing social distance walks and fitness classes in the parks. One exercise class near us has men and women stretching or jumping around like kids in the park and I've heard it's great fun and they all have a laugh together. You never know who you might strike up a conversation with, and where it might lead.

As well as online dating there is also online meet-up groups - like writing or philosophy or music appreciation - anything you can think of there will be a meet-up group. And it seems to me a good time to try that so when you do finally meet up in real life you already know each other, sort of, and you have a shared interest and bit of history already. And often that can lead to more, you never

Good luck. You are not at all too old, far from it!

SmokeAndBone Fri 12-Jun-20 00:52:58
Way-Up is for those widowed in their 50s/60s. I don't think it's a dating site, but offers support and friendship, which may go some way to easing the loneliness.
Good luck

Shallilly Fri 12-Jun-20 01:29:36

Thank you all again for being supportive and encouraging. I’ll try and get some ok pictures done and then bite the bullet! Really appreciate all the advice smile

OP’s posts: |
Deathraystare Fri 12-Jun-20 07:25:21

One of my lovely friends was divorced then the next husband was the love of her life and he died. She has a partner now but they don't live together. They don't live in each other's pockets but they get along well. They do go on holiday together but I don't think they go to each other's families though I expect they have met them. I guess it suits them both.

She is in her 70's and likes male company!

waterSpider Fri 12-Jun-20 12:06:55

... you probably have about another 30 years to live, if that helps the thought process at all?

milcmxxx Fri 12-Jun-20 14:43:00

Do what feels right for you. It sounds like your late husband was the love of your life so you probably won’t love in the same way again, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t love again! It’s natural to want companionship. Just remember you have absolutely nothing to loose but if you meet someone you like then that’s fab!! Xxx

SausageCrush Fri 12-Jun-20 15:20:40

You still have many years ahead of you!

Obviously this is complicated at the moment, but as soon as you are able I think you should start by joining as many local clubs and societies as you can. Try and concentrate on yourself and making some new friends.

Get used to different people and places and experiences.

A new partner might happen naturally, but if not then stick your toe into the water when you already have an interesting and fulfilling new life.

Good luck thanks

coronaway Fri 12-Jun-20 18:23:23

Don't bother with OLD, it's beyond horrible.

300XLTriColour Fri 12-Jun-20 18:31:41

Don’t give up! Six years after being widowed I met a wonderful man and we’ve been together 7 years, married 5. I tried OLD and met perfectly nice people but didn’t click with any. We were introduced through friends.

This may be a massive stereotype but he hadn’t been divorced long and was very happy to move on quickly from what hadn’t been a happy marriage - he is one of several men I have known to do this whereas women in similar situations took longer to be ready to commit. Keep socialising, keep doing things for you, be open to chance encounters, ask friends to set you up, don’t reject someone even if they’ve only recently separated (as long as they are truly separated of course!).

And always keep your standards high. Which isn’t necessarily being picky about age or looks, it’s having a standard of how you expected to be treated and treat someone -and sticking to it.

OhamIreally Sat 13-Jun-20 00:01:33

I agree with coronaway OLD is really dreadful in your 50's and will eat away at your self esteem.

northernstar0412 Sat 13-Jun-20 01:04:28

I know a woman who was widowed at 59 and went online dating and met her second husband that way. Another friend (RIP) met her last partner when she was 61 through OLD - he was devoted to her. And my former boss met her current partner when she was 60, in RL at a friend's dinner party. There is always hope, so keep positive and put your best foot forward!

BatshitCrazyWoman Sat 13-Jun-20 05:48:04

Not my experience @coronaway and @OhamIreally

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