Sorry this is a long story but i thought giving some background into our relationship would be helpful in inderstanding my situation.
My dh and i have been together approx 15 yrs, things haven't always been good between us and in the early days you'd probably wonder how we managed to get this far. I'd been sexually abused as a child and was a product of a very disfunctional family. I left or rather was pushed from home at 16 and made my own way in life albeit a rocky road moving from one abusive relationship to another eventually arriving at the point at thinking all men were barstewards and starting to treat them the way I had been treated in the past.
I was a very angry and screwed up individual in my late teens through my 20's. I didn't really know how to love i don't think and tried to run before i could walk in most relationships and fell hard when things didn't go the way i had planned. Being hurt so many times i built a wall that i would let no-one past, played hard to get and had commitment phobia.
When my now dh and i met i was still pretty screwed up and tbh have no idea what i saw in him at the time, he was nothing like the guys i'd previously dated or fancied, he was kind and sweet, sickly sweet almost. i'd previously been drawn to 'bad boys' i s'pose. i never in my wildest dreams thought this would go anywhere and treated him badly but i obviously didn't see what i was doing at the time, it was just normal behaviour to me. I would constantly push him to see how far i could go and if he would hit out at me like others in the past had done and pretend that i didn't care if we where together or not. I have no idea why i did this, i'd never encouraged anyone to hit me before it just happened out of the blue when all i did was love, i guess i just thought that if someone really loved you they showed it by getting jealous and abusive. (how sad is that!)
Through all the months of me pushing and pushing he never once reacted and slowly and without warning i feel head over heels for him and realised that he was different. Over the next few yrs i did everything i could to prove my love explain what i'd been through to make me that way and appologise for my previous bad behaviour. He seemed so understanding and our relationship went from strength to strength, we've had our up's and down's like most couples but weve got through everything thats been thrown at us. We have 4 wonderful kids together and you'd think that life was sweet.
Unfortunately this is not the case, we seem to have more downs than ups now and he's no longer the kind sweet understanding person i married. He seemed to switch off from me some yrs ago, so long now i reall can't remember and although hurting about this i switched off also, we both got wrpped up in our own things and didn't have musch time for each other. it really got me down but i was too afraid or stubborn to say anything so we just plodded on in what seemed like a loveless relationship. We still chatted together at times and still had sex on occasion but there seemed to be no love or intimacy.
I got quite depressed about it and eventually went to speak to the gp who put me on anti-depressants and i had counselling. looking back he seemed to thrive on the fact that i didn't want to go out and lost touch with all my friends, i became a hermit and we where together all the time, tbh we got on quite well and it didn't feel like a problem although sometimes i would feel like a caged animal, have a shout and cry about it then it all went back to the same routine and nothing ever changed.
It was like this for yrs then one day i realised that life couldn't just be like this and things had to change. I plucked up all the courage i could muster and sat down for a chat with dh and said things had to change and we had to work at this marriage or leave it. We decided to work at it, i got a job after being a SAHM for yrs and things started to look up. We became more more loving and considerate to each other and life was good again. That all changed almost 3 yrs ago when i discovered dh was seeing someone behind my back, i was devasted and didn't know what to do and the depression hit me again. We've tried to work through it but it still affects me and i'm finding it hard to move on, i have good days and bad days but he wont and never as spoken to me about it, he refuses point blank to discuss what happened, we've tried relate without success and if i dare to mention anything now he gets angry and walks out on me.
I 've become terribly depressed again and now he wont let me out of the house, i'm not allowed to take the kids to school or pick them up, go into town, shopping or anything alone. If i need to go anywhere he will run me and wait for me and it's driving me insane. This all seemed to coincide with me telling my dh that a male work mate had seemed to take a fancy to me, I'd jokingly mentioned it to dh and he didn't take it too well he started visiting me at work more often without notice and giving my work mate nasty looks and comments. He gave me such an hard time about it at home that it became unbearable and i gave up my job. He kept making me feel guilty and telling me i was a terrible mother for going out to work, he hated the fact that i was feeling good about myself, making friends and doing something i enjoyed, he would make nasty remarks about me thinking more about my job than my family so i gave it all up to make him feel better. He now checks my phone bills & contacts, emails, txts, he wants to know who's phoning me and what they want yet he does what he wants when he wants and will talk on the phone for hours out of earshot and tell me nothing and makes me feel bad if i ask anything.
I miss my job and my friends but he critised them at every oppertunity and i rarely ever speak to them anymore. I'm back to being a SAHM and full time wife to dh and he seems so much happier about it but i'm miserable and he doesn't care. have i brought all this on myself for the way i was at the beginning of our relationship and now it's my turn to pay the price ?
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Is my husband controlling me ?? or is this my just desserts ?
21 replies
Abigale01 · 23/09/2007 15:25
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