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i finally did it

(11 Posts)
stephrose03 Wed 10-Jun-20 14:21:27

I don't know why i'm posting, I guess I don't really have anyone else to talk to. I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about wanting to leave my dh, just not being brave enough.

Last night I finally snapped, after witnessing another of his ridiculous tantrums about nothing. we talked for a long time, and he finally realised that this behaviour is tantamount to abuse and emotional manipulation, and have warned him if he doesn't stop he will lose his relationship with dd completely. he agreed, saying he knows he has acted like an arsehole for years. I told him that I had enough, that for me it is over. he agreed, saying he just wanted me to be happy so if that would make me happy then he is fine with it.

we have agreed for the time being that he will remain in the house. We already have separate bedroom and bathrooms so this is no great change. I want to revert to my maiden name (have wanted this for a while)and we will tell dd we are no longer a couple, but will continue to raise her.

we are discussing a parenting marriage, whereby we remain living together and raising dd but we are not a couple. we are currently pooling our money to clear debts and saving up for a house, so we may continue to do this as trying to do it separately will never work and I am scared of being 80 and still renting a house. but these are things that will get worked out. we will review the plan regularly, but the main thing for me is the complete understanding we are now broken up and I don't have to hide round the corner in the car rather than go home.

for his part he is seeking counselling about his anger and his issues with his family, so we'll see how that goes. But for me there is no going back - I am so happy I made me feelings clear and I know I don't have to live with this dick forever. we might be good friends, and raise a child together, but nothing more.

I guess I just wanted to talk to someone, to share that I had done it, and with thanks to everyone who made me see his behaviour for what it was.

OP’s posts: |
AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 10-Jun-20 14:32:12

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Nothing from what I can see other than you two being on the receiving end of his abuse and associated miseries.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment or versions thereof when they themselves can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Your parents taught you damaging lessons about relationships and you have carried this to this very day. They taught you to be codependent, a people pleaser and to put your own self last. All that would have suited your H down to the ground and he has indeed taken full advantage.

He is not a good dad, if he was he would never have treated you and in turn your DD in the ways he has done. He is a joysucker of a man who is trying to drag you all down with him. He will further succeed if you go ahead with this mad scheme (was this his idea?) and again what does this teach her about relationships?. It will only serve to further confuse her.

My other replies to you in your thread last month also stand.

Do not do this to either yourself or for that matter your DD. End it properly in terms of divorce and do not entertain the idea of a parenting marriage with your abuser of a husband.

Windyatthebeach Wed 10-Jun-20 14:33:46

Good plan in theory. What happens if one of you meet someone? Would you be happy having him shagging along the hallway?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 10-Jun-20 14:34:03

And I daresay he won't get counselling for his anger and issues re his family either. Why would he?. Counselling as well does not work for such men. Why do you believe a single thing that he utters?.

2007Millie Wed 10-Jun-20 14:34:44

Initially I thought "well done" but the further on I read the more convinced I am that your setting your DD up for a life of confusion and you for a life of disappointment

Just end it properly and separate.

He still has you exactly where he wants you.

stephrose03 Wed 10-Jun-20 14:35:29

yep knew I shouldn't have bothered sharing how I felt. never mind.

OP’s posts: |
Costacoffeeplease Wed 10-Jun-20 14:37:41

It’s because it’s not going to work. He’s not going to suddenly change and this arrangement is going to confuse your daughter even more. You need to either leave or make him go, this is unrealistic and unsustainable

BluebellForest836 Wed 10-Jun-20 14:41:08

Why are you going to mess around and still live together ?

Separate properly.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 10-Jun-20 14:41:38

What sort of response were you expecting?.

Is this really the life you want for your own self and your DD going forward?. You were yourself taught a lot of crap about relationships and you Rebuilding your lives without your abuser H in it would be the way to go here.

AllyBamma Wed 10-Jun-20 15:15:40

OP I think if you post on a public forum, asking for opinions then you need to be prepared to hear things you don’t want to hear. Like how on paper living together but separately is a fine enough idea but in practice it’s going to be a disaster in all likelihood. Do you expect his tantrums and bad behaviour to vanish just because you’re not a couple anymore? And as PP have said, what about when he brings future partners home. What about your dating future? I’m not sure there’s many people who would understand your living situation and want to take that on. Not to mention, how confusing this will be for your DD.

Well done on having the strength to end things but I think you really need to consider separating properly and living apart. For everyone’s benefit.

Windyatthebeach Wed 10-Jun-20 15:41:26

He will still expect you to cook and wash for him. Likely a shag whenever he fancies it also..
Op you deserve so much more.

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