How do we live together?

[Unread00]

I've been with DP for 3 years. 3 kids between us (none together). Currently live separately. DP has recently said we should start thinking about living together, and to have a look at what houses are around. My issue is:

I currently own my home (mortgage). DP lives with family after separation from his ex (pays rent). My DP can't move in with me as my house is tiny (there would literally be no room at all for him or his DC).

I wouldn't be happy to sell my house to then rent a house with him.

To me it seems silly to sell my house and buy one with him when we have never actually lived together.

DP thinks it'll be fine to just go ahead and buy together and doesn't really see what the issue is I'm having.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Would be much appreciated!

[Dozycuntlaters]

You'd be mad to see your place to move in with him, what if it doesn't work out? Can you not rent somewhere with him for 6 months, maybe rent your house out too and then go from there?

[Dozycuntlaters]

Sell your place that should say

[Mintjulia]

I think your dp is being a bit simplistic maybe. How do the dcs feel about all living together? How old are they?

Could you not rent your house out for a year, and rent a house together, to try it out first?

[Unread00]

I probably should have said I'm unable to rent my house out (particular type of mortgage etc)!

[Unread00]

@Mintjulia 2 under 10's and 1 teenager

[TwentyViginti]

He moved from the marital home to live with family, and he's only seperated not divorced?

[Unread00]

@TwentyViginti Him and his ex rented, and they were never married

[DianaT1969]

Does he have a deposit and secure income for the mortgage? (As secure as anything can be in the days of Covid). Do you actually want to live with him? What would be the benefits?

[TwentyViginti]

Ok, so first he needs to live on his own, and you need to see how he is with housework, cooking and parenting his DC when he has them.

So many men with DC want to move in with a woman to get a free housekeeper, cook and childminder for his DC at visitation times.

[Dery]

Definitely don't sell your house for now. Living together will be a real test for your relationship and you don't know if it will work out. There is another poster here who was married and trying for a baby within 18 months of starting her relationship with her DH. I'm sure that does work sometimes but this couple are having some problems and the poster is starting to find out she didn't know her DH as well as she thought she did.

[Glitterb]

I don’t think you should give up your home just yet unless he is able to contribute financially to a new house. Especially not if you have children!

[Windyatthebeach]

Presumably he will be renting himself /buying soon? Is he suggesting you live together so he hasn't got to live alone and parent his own dc?
If he gets his own place you can spend time in each other's homes for a while. Get a feel of him with his /your dc and his 'habits' good /bad... Maybe this will help you decide if he is suitable living together material. I would be suspicious if he is in no hurry to be self sufficient first..

[Dontbeme]

Of course he doesn't see the issue as he has everything to gain and you would be taking all the risk. Why would you sell up, move your kids out of their home and rent with him with no guarantees if things went wrong? If you bought jointly who is paying what? I would presume if he is renting from family he is not in a financial position to purchase on his own, so you would be providing the deposit from your own assets\sale of family home. Would you be expected to help with childcare for his DC too, to accommodate his working hours? How would your DC feel about living with him and his DC? Ask yourself honestly what is the benefits for you and your DC, how will it affect their inheritance in the future, what happens to the house if something were to happen to you, would he live their or force sale to provide for your DC, you have a lot of what it's to think about, at a minimum if you are going to proceed get rock solid legal advice.

[Unread00]

He isn't looking to purchase / rent on his own first, he would like us to buy together instead

He is a fantastic dad and spends lots of time with his DC on his own so I'm not too worried about that part.

He does have savings to put towards a deposit but I have more.

I feel quite uncomfortable about selling my house without ever living with him!

[Windyatthebeach]

No no no.
He is imo not a great df. His dc need to live with him at least for a while. Living with his dps isn't being an independent and committed df. He isn't paying bills /juggling child care /work under their roof. Add a bit of real life stresses and he may not be the same man op.

[TwentyViginti]

He isn't looking to purchase / rent on his own first, he would like us to buy together instead

Huge red flag right there. Why is he reluctant to live alone?

[Ninkanink]

Don’t sell your house. Don’t move in with him (or him with you) either. He can rent somewhere close to you.

Too many unknowns, too many things that could go wrong. Way too much risk for you. Your top priority has to be to have long term security for yourself and your child.

[ladykuga]

DO NOT sell your home. You have no clue as to how he is as a person to live with. The only person who benefits is your DP. That house you own is you and your children's security. Why can't he rent/buy a place of his own with his children and you visit each other? If you're not happy about doing it then trust your gut.

[Smallsteps88]

He needs to live by himself with his children/child for a while. Paying rent to mummy does not make him an independent adult.
Id be very wary of moving in with someone who had never lived alone. What’s his urgency? Is he fed up with mummy cramping his style and can’t afford to rent/buy somewhere without you?

[Unread00]

I don't think he could buy on his own, rent probably. He does everything for his DC so I don't think it's wanting family to do that instead.

I think he just thinks what's the point in getting a house on his own when we want to live together eventually anyway.

You are right though - I'd lose a lot more than he would. I just don't know what the best solution is as I think he'd be a bit peeved if I suggested him living on his own first

[TwentyViginti]

I think he'd be a bit peeved if I suggested him living on his own first

So his wants are more important than yours? Are you afraid of saying "no" to him?

[anditgoeson]

Do the kids get along? Have you had any sleepovers to test the waters? Living together and days out are not comparable. I was in pretty much the exact situation to you. It was hell on earth once the novelty wore off. How old are the children and would they have to share rooms? What are your parenting styles like and do you match discipline and routines? There is alot to consider before thinking about houses.

[Ninkanink]

Well he’ll just have to be peeved then, won’t he?

Blended families are hard at the best of times and I personally do not generally agree with throwing children together just because their respective parents love each other, nor in permanently moving someone in when the children have absolutely no choice in the matter. I’m not sure it often works out all that brilliantly, tbh (although there are exceptions, of course).

My DH and I only moved in together relatively recently even though we’ve been together 12+ years, because I resolved right from the beginning that no matter how much we loved each other, no matter how great he was (and we all got along great and he was very good with my daughters and they with him), my daughters deserved to have their little unit with me in our home preserved until they were off and out on their own in the world. Luckily he agreed with me and respected my views on it. We saw each other at weekends at mine to begin with while the children were younger, as as they got older I could leave them at home and stay at his for the weekend. Sometimes we had to wait a few weeks or a month here and there to see each other, plus we each had to maintain our own households, so of course there were sacrifices to be made, but that’s what parenting is about. It worked really well for us.

[Unread00]

@anditgoeson The kids are 7, 9, 14.

We've had days out and the odd holiday but we've never actually had sleep overs with them at each other's houses.

Our parenting styles are quite different - he's quite laid back and for example will let his DC go to bed late whereas I have more of a routine with mine. Bed on time (normally) and all school work to be done etc.

[Unread00]

@Ninkanink I quite like the idea of it just being me and the kids until they are a bit older and off doing there own thing, even if it meant living separately for quite a while. DP thinks by now we should be more of a family unit, hence moving in together!