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Just ended a friendship

(30 Posts)
NameChanger31 Wed 10-Jun-20 12:19:49

I'm just looking for opinions to see if I've done the right thing. I met a man 2 years a go through work, I am a woman. We are both married. We became friends (just friends before anyone says it must have been more!). We message now and then, speak about random stuff and maybe if something serious was going on, he would give me the odd call and vice versa.

Recently he is having marriage issues. He doesn't go too much into it to be honest and I don't dig too much but it seems like his wife might be emotionally abusive or something. I've mentioned a few things to my husband and he says they don't sound right. I will give some examples without too much details:

His wife sleeps late everyday (like lunchtime) despite the fact they have children, both young and he is working full time from home

The house is a mess, I mean a real mess, think hoarders. I think this is down to them both

His wife says things like 'you're lucky I work and don't expect you to pay for my haircuts like other women do'. She works 2 days a week

His wife has gone to his mum and bad mouthed him saying he has changed and she's the only one trying and she says things to him like your mum is disappointed in you but his story is that he is depressed with doing everything himself and trying to juggle work, cleaning and taking care of the children on his own most of the time

She disapproves of all his friends so he has none

She hid his passport in a bid to prevent him going on a business trip

He can't ask her if she will get up with the children so he can do his work/have meetings because she starts an argument and says his work expect too much of him

He moved from another city 150 miles away from his hometown to live with her so he has no family nearby and his wife has the monopoly on his mum and has told her one side of the story

If he ever wants to go out, he is told he is not fulfilling his role as a father and everything else is put first

She said he needs to see a GP and get tablets because he is the issue and what she is doing is normal

I had to take the decision to distance myself and end the friendship because he doesn't do anything about any of this. I said to him there was no harm in retracting his statement to end the marriage and giving things a go but he needed to make sure change happens on his part and his wifes. I said he should speak to his mum and give her the full story, not bad mouth his wife but give his mum the full story so he doesn't feel everyone is against him. That was input to it but his behaviour afterwards seems to be strange and I felt it was dragging me down so I said I was stepping away. Now I'm worried he will do something silly with no one to talk to because he has said things about suicide before. Should I contact him and how should I be if I do? My husband said it's up to me and I should get a female perspective on things, whatever that means!

Thank you

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NameChanger31 Wed 10-Jun-20 12:41:32

Can anyone help? Thanks

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Crystal87 Wed 10-Jun-20 12:42:26

I wouldn't get involved in it to be honest. It sounds like he's got a lot of problems in his marriage but he's making them your problems. Fair enough he's your mate but it's his relationship for him to work out for himself. It all sounds incredibly draining.

NameChanger31 Wed 10-Jun-20 12:46:06

@Crystal87 thank you for your reply. Well those were my thoughts and that's why I stepped away. I feel they were becoming my problems! I'm just wondering if it's possible to keep my hand in so to speak but get involved in that side of things? I certainly don't think his wife is dangerous or anything and I'm certain he has contributed to the over all problems but I feel it's pointless to give my view for him to do nothing. What is the point? I told him he needs to make himself happy

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NoMoreDickheads Wed 10-Jun-20 12:46:24

He is giving you a sob story, to pull you or have more of your time.

It sounds abusive but also some of it is his choice, or not the case at all. To give a couple of examples although there are probably several all the way through:-

his wife has the monopoly on his mum and has told her one side of the story

I really doubt this. He will have also given his mum his side, or it's his choice not to, in which case he shouldn't whine about something that's his choice.

She said he needs to see a GP and get tablets because he is the issue and what she is doing is normal

He admits he is depressed. Which isn't to say her behaviour is normal, but he could get treatment for his depression- not for her, but for himself. If he would feel it would be a 'win' for her if she knew he'd spoken to his GP and gone on evidence based treatment, he should be able to find a way to speak to his GP without her knowing, esp if she works 2 days a week.
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I had to take the decision to distance myself and end the friendship because he doesn't do anything about any of this.

Exactly- there's only so many times you can say to someone how they can change a situation they keep going on about. Having to repeat yourself and not being listened to gets annoying and time consuming for no good reason. I have a friend like this about other issues.

his behaviour afterwards seems to be strange and I felt it was dragging me down

Feel free to talk about this- absolutely sounds like you made the right decision. Some people have their own major issues, and they are a sink hole of attention and when you don't give it they become demanding.

^ Now I'm worried he will do something silly^

By putting this much responsibility on you, he's being manipulative. His life and mental health are not your job, and if he feels this way it's his responsibility to get help. If he threatens to do anything just call 999. If he goes on like this just tell him to see his doctor- or go to A&E- you shouldn't have to constantly be saying this either (I have a friend who goes on moaning about her mood too.)

Should I contact him and how should I be if I do?

No- not you're job and by 'carrying' him and propping him up, you're probably actually meaning he asks for the professional help he needs less quickly.

NameChanger31 Wed 10-Jun-20 12:46:43

Not get involved I meant

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NameChanger31 Wed 10-Jun-20 12:51:41

@NoMoreDickheads thank you. I did say at some point last week that I felt manipulated a bit. I shouldn't have that weight on me

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Crystalspider Wed 10-Jun-20 13:07:31

You did the right thing not getting involved anymore with his marriage

Bunnymumy Wed 10-Jun-20 13:17:44

Honestly it sounds like be was spinning a tale in order to get you involved and make you worry. I wouldn't be surprised if he was setting you up to be the other women. At least, in his head.

If you feel manipulated by someones conduct, usually it is because they are being manipulative. Also, you only have his side of things.

I've noticed with narcissists and similar, it's very common for them to be really down about their life and who they are with, yet do nothing to change it. And over time, you start to feel joyless and hopeless when talking to them too, because they go on and on about how hard done by they are.

You are right to cut contact. At best his issues really aren not something he should put on you like this. At worst he is a vulnerable narcissist trying to tangle you in his web.

MrsOrMiss Wed 10-Jun-20 13:19:15

Walk away, he's playing you.
Nearly every bloke I've had dealings with, NEVER confide in anyone. The ones that do, are looking for a way to leave their wife and are hoping YOU are his parachute. Don't become it.

Gutterton Wed 10-Jun-20 13:23:31

Signpost him to services.

He needs experienced, professional expertise to untangle and resolve this myriad of complex issues.

This is way above your pay - grade as they say - it would be irresponsible to be giving him advice on what looks like significant MH and DA issues with v young DC involved.

You can still be his friend and supportive if you want to be as long as he respects YOUR boundaries to seek direction from professionals for his family and especially his young DCs well-being - and not from you. You cannot have this responsibility.

NameChanger31 Wed 10-Jun-20 13:43:34

I feel sorry for the kids. I know that's what everyone always says but I do. They live in a pig's sty, the school aged one hasn't had any home schooling and there seems to just be no routine for them at all.

I don't think they are neglected but it sounds far from a good environment for them. I can't help but he highly critical all the time and that's dragging me down. I just don't feel like there's much positive conversations we could have to be honest that's why I made my choice

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Gutterton Wed 10-Jun-20 13:52:59

Of course they are being neglected - emotionally quite clearly - by both parents it seems - neither of whom are “present” or engaged or prioritising their development but choose instead to wang on about their incompatibility to others outside the relationship rather than take action.

I agree with PP that you could inadvertently be enabling this situation as you are his pressure vent. He can let of enough steam to you to enable him to do nothing and stick with the status quo. Often if people don’t have this outlet they have to face the music.

Gutterton Wed 10-Jun-20 13:55:09

*off

backseatcookers Wed 10-Jun-20 13:55:27

I feel sorry for the kids. I know that's what everyone always says but I do. They live in a pig's sty, the school aged one hasn't had any home schooling and there seems to just be no routine for them at all.

I don't think they are neglected but it sounds far from a good environment for them.

That is literally neglect.

NameChanger31 Wed 10-Jun-20 14:02:18

I know it is, I guess I just didn't want to sound horrible saying it. It's true though. If I'm being completely honest and please don't think I'm a horrible person for this, I actually resent him and his wife a bit. Both have kept their jobs during this pandemic but neither actually turns up half the time or sleep so late, they don't even start on time. Me and my DH on the other hand, extremely good employees have faced a load of stuff regarding our jobs. Their kids seem to be developing great (which is great) where as my DS is struggling despite the fact me and DH devote all our time, give him a strong routine and do everything for him.

I know that makes me awful but I just think it's bad that two lazy shits can have so much going for them and still be miserable shits and make no effort!

You're all right, walking away was best

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Michellebops Wed 10-Jun-20 14:15:29

If you're concerned over the kids, please call social services.

NameChanger31 Wed 10-Jun-20 14:17:09

I think they may already be involved as he told me someone went to the house but his wife told him it was occupational health from her work? Do they really go to your house?

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SSCCLL Wed 10-Jun-20 14:39:12

I’m going through the same thing with a friend. Friends now for 5/6 years and it’s the same drama each day from her. It’s weighing me down so much that I ignore the phone and become distant. I feel like I’ve been saying the same stuff for the last five years and it’s falling on deaf ears. I think I’m finally at the end of my tether. I applaud you for dropping your friend I wish I could but I’m scared of upsetting her

SSCCLL Wed 10-Jun-20 14:40:18

Also, social services will call you first to have a chat and arrange a visit if they feel it’s necessary

Nosuchluck Wed 10-Jun-20 15:08:31

You've only heard his side of the situation.

1235kbm Wed 10-Jun-20 15:08:38

The house is also his responsibility as is the welfare of his children. I wouldn't want my child crawling around unsupervised in a filthy house.

Who is supervising the children while the wife stays in bed and he is working? Is she up late because of sleeping problems or because she is breastfeeding?

I would contact social services as other pp have suggested and keep away from him. He's just as responsible for the welfare of his children and the state of his house. I wouldn't want my children crawling around unsupervised in a filthy house, so is he allowing this?

MagnoliaJustice Wed 10-Jun-20 15:59:38

Keep away from him, don't be his emotional crutch. You wouldn't put up with this level of neediness from another woman, would you? Leave him to sort his own life out and if he comes to you again with a litany of complaints about his marriage, then tell him sorry, you're not interested. Don't allow him to make his problems yours.

backseatcookers Wed 10-Jun-20 16:38:50

I would contact social services as other pp have suggested and keep away from him. He's just as responsible for the welfare of his children and the state of his house. I wouldn't want my children crawling around unsupervised in a filthy house, so is he allowing this?

This. Those poor kids.

Artandlove Wed 10-Jun-20 17:11:09

You only know what he is telling you, there is a high chance it’s not true. It sounds like it might not be just a friendship in his head.

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