Couples counselling... anyone done this?

[Longdaysandnights]

We had a baby 6 months ago and things have been bad ever since. We are now simply co-existing in the same space. We are civil and although I do most things for the baby he does help when home from work.
Last night he suggested we go for counselling. Has anyone been for couples counselling? Did it help? How much did it cost?
We can’t really afford to spend money with husband earning less due to Covid and me being on maternity leave.

[Smoothasababy]

It’s great that he suggested it. That’s a good start. I’ve done it and the therapist wasn’t good. So, if you can at all try to get a recommendation or go to someone who specialises in couples’ therapy. It might seem expensive but not as expensive as splitting up would be ...

I would advise doing it now and not delaying as in my experience a relationship can get to the point of no return and counselling becomes a last resort. Do it now before things get worse.

[Namechangex10000]

I’d be interested in hearing if there are any online tools that anybody can recommend? Like you, I think as a couple, we need this, but simply cannot afford it. There must be something out there?

[Thelnebriati]

I agree with Smoothasababy, finding the right counsellor is the key, and if you think the first one you try isn't working out then don't be afraid to keep looking.

[Longdaysandnights]

He is a really good man and wants things to be better between us. I live in London, I did a quick search online and found an organisation called relate. They seem to offer a range of services but no prices available online. I’m hesitant to contact them because I will feel obligated/embarrassed if they come back to me and I can’t afford it. (Silly I know, but I’m just that kind of person)

[Thelnebriati]

Relate are one of the main couples counselling services, they often have a sliding scale of fees. They're a business offering a service, and you aren't obligated.

[EveryThingWillBeWorthIt]

@Longdaysandnights my partner and I did Relate, it was great for us as it helped us work through our communication issues. There is a sliding scale of fees and you only pay for what you can afford, you choose and there are no means tests you just pick a scale. Just give them a call, the people on the phone are nice enough and I never felt judged, just be aware that there is usually a wait between your initial session and your regular occurring appointment.

[coffeeorwine]

In couples counselling, have been for about 4 months now. We also sought it out post DC1, but on reflection probably needed it before. I think it’s amazing, would recommend it to anyone and wish we’d done it sooner. We got onto a wait list for relate but decided to go private, but they are good as they specialise in relationships / couples counselling. Make sure if you go private you get someone who’s trained in couples counselling, you can check on the BACP website. We’re in the North but pay £65 a session. Good luck, it’s a great sign he suggested it like others have said.

[Crystalspider]

Relate £60 a session, it varies though. No it didn't help and now divorced, nothing to do with them it wasn't salvageable.
They basically ask questions about whats gone wrong and what you want to do about it. They try and delve into childhood even if it's not relevant, it was also a bit cringey and I didn't really want to go in the first place. I might sound pessimistic but I think it's over rated or we didn't get a good counselor.

[Pirandello24]

Contact your local IAPT service (free NHS primary care mental health team), you can self refer and some of them offer couples therapy.

[MintyCedric]

My experience with Relate wasn't brilliant. I had left my now XH after years of on and off emotional abuse and he was desperate to try counselling (having insisted any time I suggested it during our marriage that it would be a waste of time and money and refused point blank to engage).

I found the counsellor, a woman in her fifties, to be rather condescending and she was definitely all about congratulating XH for coming coz its difficulties for the menz to talk about feelings...as you can imagine that really ground my gears.

That said, I know people who've benefitted from couples counselling and I think if you're both coming at the idea from a positive pov and wanting it to work that will help enormously as will finding the right person to work with.

Don't hesitate to ask to try someone else if you don't both click with first counsellor you're allocated.

[AnotherEmma]

Relate are really hit and miss, you might be lucky and get a good therapist but I've heard too much negative feedback to be confident about using them.

I advise you to look for couple's counsellors who offer sessions via video chat, that means you can do it at home when baby's asleep and don't have to worry about a babysitter. It also means you don't need someone local.

Check out the Gottman Method, there is a book called "the seven principles for making marriage work" which might be a good starting point, and if you like the sound of their approach, the website has a directory of therapists.

[AnotherEmma]

PS This is so true!
"It might seem expensive but not as expensive as splitting up would be"

[Longdaysandnights]

Thank you for your suggestions. We are going to contact relate but we’ve had some really frank and honest conversations lately which has helped. Both got a few things off our chest and discussed the future which was good.