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I need to get out ... but how ?

(23 Posts)
mumto486 Wed 10-Jun-20 00:42:02

Im a mum to 4 and have been married 15 years , the children are alomost 14, 12,6 and almost 3. My dh after we got married became very abusive physically and emotionally, but as usual he always said sorry and we moved on. I am Asian and I married him at the age of 18 and my whole family was against this marriage. When I became pregnant a year into our marriage, unplanned , he was so angry he wanted my to have an abortion, and I didn't agree, he then became physical he started beating me when I was pregnant, as I was ready to learn him he wouldn't let me and promised to change. I dint leave, at the age of 20
And someone who had only lived with my parents I didn't know where to go and how to cope. We argued all the time things didn't get much better, when I had my 2nd dc she was a few months old, he strangled me so hard that I passed out for a few seconds I think when the baby was in my hand, when regained consciousness he was holding her, but he didn't stop after he put her down he picked up a kitchen knife and threatened to kill me then help me down and strangled me again. I was literally terrified, all these encounters happen after he had a few drinks, I called the police then panicked they took him away for the night and he came back and we moved on. The physical side of it got better but the emotional didn't.
I stayed I was weak, i dint want my kids to come from a 'broken home'.
I'm a british born Muslim and he's a Indian born Hindu. His argument have always been that I don't expect his religion, I don't know how he can say that. And that I don't look after his parents which I do they stay with us annually for weeks and i call them a few times a week. Anyway I don't get what he wants or expects. Today his had a huge argument and he makes the kids sit down and tells them everything from his side making me look awful things which aren't true. They cried I told him to let them go to bed but he won't until they agree his right.
They've witnessed him be awful a lot through the years.
I want to separate but don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm a SAHM he's is the main provider. I don't have the money to cope. We own our home and have a mortgage. What if he fights for custody? I don't know the first thing about where to go from here. Please help. Also when I ask for a divorve it won't go down well. I don't want to report the abuse. I just want out. Help talk me into saying it's the right thing as I always talk my way out of it . I'm 34 I've accepted I'll have to live alone all my life. Maybe I don't deserve happiness. I'm
Scared I'm going to damage the kids.

Sorry it's all over the place I hope it makes sense. I hope someone can give me some advice.

OP’s posts: |
mumto486 Wed 10-Jun-20 00:58:07


OP’s posts: |
scotsllb Wed 10-Jun-20 01:15:52

So sorry to hear you've been going through this.
The best course of action is women's Aid and the police.
Get away from him as soon as you can. Is there any family you can stay with for a couple of nights?
Someone to help you get some things while you set the rest in motion ?
The police will help you and can be there to support and protect you while you leave.
Call emergency social work for your area first thing in the morning and tell them everything.
You can do this for your children if you can do it for yourself. Sending strength xx

scotsllb Wed 10-Jun-20 01:20:04

Also you will damage your kids staying it by leaving!
He caused all this not you, you do NOT deserve any of this. He is an abusive monster and time to throw the full weight of the law at him.
I know you're scared and don't want to report but it's the best way to keep you and your children safe.
You don't recognise how bad this is right now as you are living with it. He has almost murdered you by strangling you until you pass out.
What about your children then?
You've got this and you will have an amazing future once you have freed yourself and your kids from him.
Get all the help available behind you and you will be in the position possible to divorce and protect your kids

scotsllb Wed 10-Jun-20 01:21:55

Sorry meant staying will damage your kids not leaving re you worrying about damaging your kids

mumto486 Wed 10-Jun-20 01:35:48

The physical abuse stopped a good few years ago, and now when I see him getting worked up or anything I stand up for my self and wouldn't allow him to hurt me physically and he knows that, it's the emotional abuse now always fighting arguing, wanting me to say I'm wrong and it all my fault. I can't taken it anymore. I don't want to call the police or leave my family home, I want him
To leave, but he says he can't afford to live somewhere else. I will speak to him after a day or so again and see if he will agree amicably. I was always afraid of what my family would say as they weren't happy in the first place but now I just don't care. I've put up with a lot for 15 years I won't and don't want to anymore. Ok just scared I don't change my mind when he's in a better mood again which is what always happens, I really want to see it through this time.

OP’s posts: |
scotsllb Wed 10-Jun-20 01:41:34

Yeah I totally understand where your coming from I've been there too.
I think talking to him when he obviously doesn't want to leave gives him ammo to convince you he will stop the emotional abuse and you are vulnerable to relenting again.
I think letting your family know the full story and taking any help offered is the way to go.
Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical so don't think it's not as bad just because he's not physically abusing you. He's capable and might revert back to it.
Get some legal advice re the house off a solicitor you can get a free half hour usually and free in domestic abuse cases.
You should still report him to the police even though you feel you don't want to so you have further back up when it comes to child access etc.

mumto486 Wed 10-Jun-20 01:46:47

@scotsllb thank you for replying , yes maybe you're right. I will speak to my mum. He's capable no doubt about that, the emotional, and verbal abuse is just too much , he just doesn't get it he thinks he's right and I shouldn't be the one upset and I should go and apologise to him. He says some awful things about me and my family. No one and I mean even my vest friends who I share a lot with don't know any of this. I'm
So embarrassed about telling anyone and I know they will judge me.

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scotsllb Wed 10-Jun-20 01:55:43

He knows what he's doing. Don't worry about anyone's reactions they will all be relieved and proud you are getting out.
It's your life and their opinions don't matter.
See it as little hurdles to the final goal.
None of this is your fault you do not have to feel embarrassed or shamed and keep repeating this to yourself if anyone makes you doubt it.
The police can help get a non molestation order so you can stay in the house with your kids if you let them know.
I know it sounds so messy and scary going down that route but he is an abuser and needs to be treated as one.
Why should you have to uproot and leave when he is the one abusing you?
Find your inner strength and fight for your rights.
If you feel leaving is best all round then woman's aid etc can help you with that and you don't need to have the police involved there. You don't have to let him know anything.
Get your plan in place before you tell him anything

Tavannach Wed 10-Jun-20 01:56:00

If you talk to Women's Aid they will be able to help:

It's not just you he's abusing. If he treats you like that in front of the children he's abusing them as well.

Emotional abuse is abuse.

1235kbm Wed 10-Jun-20 02:00:49

Hi OP, there are a couple of organisations I can recommend that may be of help to you.

One is called Karma Nirvana and the other is called Muslim Women's Network

You did the right thing in called the police, well done.

You can contact Shelter, regarding housing.
You can get free legal advice from Rights of Women or FLOWS

You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Helpline which is 24/7 if you want to speak to someone now: 0808 2000 247

You cannot stay with this man OP, he is going to kill you. Please get yourself and your children to safety.

mumto486 Wed 10-Jun-20 02:01:43

Thank you im not planning on leaving the house, why should I? It's my kids home in
Hit taking 4dc and putting them through that. I will see if he agrees to leave, or else maybe I will have to contact the police.

In a worst case scenario though I'd go to live with my Mum she's only 10 mins drive away..

OP’s posts: |
1235kbm Wed 10-Jun-20 02:02:33

OP your life is not worth losing over pride. Please have a think about that.

mumto486 Wed 10-Jun-20 02:05:18

@1235kbm absolutely right, if he ever laid a finger on me now I'd be out before he could blink, and he knows that now so he won't so it, he did in the early years of our marriage, and I was so young and vulnerable. Now he's just a bully. I'm
Going to speak to my Mum and best friend. Thanks so much

OP’s posts: |
mumto486 Wed 10-Jun-20 02:07:50

Anyone tell me the procedure for divorce? How much does it cost ? How do I go about it ? Will I need a lawyer and how mich will it cost ? Do we need to stay separate for a while before we can get a divorce and hat about font that which the children how is that arranged? Thanks

OP’s posts: |
1235kbm Wed 10-Jun-20 02:10:15

It's no problem at all. I'm concerned for you as abuse tends to ramp up when you leave or threaten to leave. If you contact Karma Nirvana (they are very good, I have worked with them) and speak to them first, they can find you support in your local area and give you advise on how to go about exiting the relationship safely.

1235kbm Wed 10-Jun-20 02:11:12

OP did you have a religious ceremony only?

scotsllb Wed 10-Jun-20 02:11:18

Phone a solicitor first thing for the advice specifically for your situation and they will tell you all you need.
Keep strong and follow through for you and your kids and keep posting back here for support and a handhold when you feel weak

mumto486 Wed 10-Jun-20 02:14:14

@1235kbm we had a registry wedding too as well as a religious wedding. Thanks you I will call them.

@scotsllb I will ring around and see if I can get some free advice from a solicitor as in any affords to pay one. I will definitely report back thank you

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1235kbm Wed 10-Jun-20 02:15:33

There's info on ending a relationship here. This is for England, so look up where you are, if not in England as laws vary. I have already give you the organisations to contact for legal advice, Rights of Women and FLOWS. They can give you more info. Karma Nirvana can also advise.

mumto486 Wed 10-Jun-20 02:22:22

@1235kbm thank you I'll have a read . I'm
In London.

OP’s posts: |
1235kbm Wed 10-Jun-20 02:26:26

Ok, well let me know if you need further help. There is a lot of help in London, luckily.

mumto486 Wed 10-Jun-20 02:32:25

@1235kbm I will do? You've been a big help thanks so much x

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