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Is this normal after being cheated on?

(58 Posts)
Constantlysad Tue 09-Jun-20 22:34:24

My husband had an affair lasting 2 months and I found out 6 months ago. It took a hell of a lot for me to stay.. I initially left to stay with my parents but I came home eventually after a lot of persuasion. He has said and done literally everything he possibly could to make things right. He’s begged, pleaded, given passwords to his phone, couples counselling, constantly telling me he can’t live without me etc. I just do not seem to be able to forget what he’s done. I’m suffering with night terrors where I’m dreaming of him killing me/leaving me. This is almost every night and I’m waking up screaming and sobbing. I think about what he’s done upwards of 50 times a day. I’m totally done in. I must add that I do absolutely love him but I don’t know if I love what I thought we had and the person I thought he was. I hate the thought of not being together but I also hate the thought of living like this forever.

Am I ever going to get over this? Will more time help?

I am hoping there’s someone out there that has been through this, knows how I feel and could advise me on what I can do to help myself get over this? He says he can not be without me. I went to stay at my parents at the weekend as I was overwhelmed with sadness.. he messaged the whole time saying he misses me and can’t live without me.

Sorry this is so long.. can anyone relate? Advise? Or tell me how to just forget about what’s happened. It’s so draining.

Just to add quickly that we have no children together (I have two teenagers who don’t know what’s happened) and we are tied financially with a 5 year fixed mortgage.

OP’s posts: |
NoMoreDickheads Tue 09-Jun-20 22:55:42

I’m suffering with night terrors where I’m dreaming of him killing me/leaving me

What is he like in other ways? It sounds wrong to say, but I think that when women get those sort of dreams, it is their subconscious trying to get through to them that the man they're with isn't good for them.

You could have individual therapy- but 6 months isn't long really so it's not abnormal for you to feel gutted.

Constantlysad Tue 09-Jun-20 23:06:49

I have had therapy on my own. It was good for me In terms of getting all of my feelings out without having to worry my family and friends too much with how down I was feeling and I was given some good advise about how to repair the relationship.

I know things were bad in our relationship when he was cheating and I do take responsibility for my part in that. Since I found out he has been a different person. Will do absolutely anything to make me stay. He’s the one who’s worried about us splitting up. He always asks if he can go places although I never mind him going. He also has a tracker on his phone which I told him he can delete now but he doesn’t want to. I just really want to get to a point where I’m not constantly thinking about it. It’s literally all the time!!!

OP’s posts: |
backseatcookers Tue 09-Jun-20 23:13:15

You made the choice to try and stay together and that's fine but it does NOT mean you are obliged to stay with him if you feel you can't cope with it. Don't let him or others make you think otherwise thanks

Bigblue1970 Tue 09-Jun-20 23:17:42

Hi, I'm so sorry you are going through this as I know exactly how you are feeling. I had a long time with not being able to sleep without having night terrors and very vivid dreams. I'm afraid to say that although I'm not consumed by it every moment of every day, I still have issues and struggle with how to move forward. Mine is nearly 4 years ago when he said he 'loved me but not in love with me' and swore there was nobody else. He then destroyed our whole life together by saying it was my awful behaviour and he hadn't been happy for almost the whole of our marriage. It took away all the happy memories I had (and they've never come back). A year later he moved out on a trial separation after I finally found out about the OW he worked with. She had told her husband the same thing. Once my DH moved out he almost immediately regretted it and asked to come home. I (stupidly) agreed. I wish I hadn't and I wish someone had given me a good slap and told me I would be ok without him. It is now nearly 3 years after he moved out and although i rarely mention it, it is never going to be the same. I love him but I hate what he did and I still struggle to accept it. I am now waiting to see how I feel over the next few years whilst out DS is a bit older and I can know what I want. I'm using this time to get fitter, mentally stronger and get my new career going. I realised that it's his biggest mistake and I AM stronger and he is weak. He can't live without me but I could live without him. I just choose not to at the moment. That might sound cold and hard but that's what his choices did to us and every action has a consequence.
Feel free to message me if you would like to. X

Crystalspider Tue 09-Jun-20 23:19:58

Do you want to still be with him? or because your giving in to him begging you?
It's ok for you not to be with him anymore and stop this pain.

category12 Tue 09-Jun-20 23:23:22

You can change your mind about sticking it out, you know.

Did you actually want to try again, or was it feeling sorry for him/feeling you ought to?

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Tue 09-Jun-20 23:25:49

Very nice of him to have an affair and then when you react completely reasonably he then bombards you with his feelings and what he wants and what he can't live without. Tell him you need time and space to process it, he can leave. If he "can't live without you" that's not a big ask but I suspect he won't be willing to do it

PixelatedLunchbox Tue 09-Jun-20 23:27:22

In all sincerity, I don't think that more time will help. It will always be there in the back of your mind. Every time you hear a song about cheating, or see a cheating scene on TV, you'll be triggered again. If you can afford to go it al

PixelatedLunchbox Tue 09-Jun-20 23:27:57

Alone, think seriously about doing so.

alicejen Tue 09-Jun-20 23:30:10

I think you do get better over time. It hurts and you'll be reminded of it now and then, but it will get less and you will learn to feel better eventually.

But don't feel like you have to.

theneighbourswindchime Tue 09-Jun-20 23:30:39

If you want to move forward, you need to forgive him.

If you can't forgive (and there's no judgment either way) then you will remain in a state of painful alert.

It's possible, I've done it, and we are happier than we've ever been.

But equally, it might just be the end and that's ok too xxxx

Constantlysad Tue 09-Jun-20 23:31:27

Im sorry I don’t know how to tag people.
Backseat - thank you.. I just don’t know what I want.
Bigblue I am so sorry you’re going through this pain too.. I can’t imagine 4 years of this!! Does he know you feel like this? Good for you for getting yourself sorted and taking your time to think about what you want.
The good thing (well not good, but you know what I mean) is that he never said he was going to leave. As soon as I found out he was trying to make me stay. He’s never blamed me in the slightest. None of this takes away from the pain though.

Crystal - I really don’t know anymore. I do still love him but I am so sad with what he’s done to me. And weirdly, I feel sorry for him sad

OP’s posts: |
McTits Tue 09-Jun-20 23:34:12

Honestly? You won’t ever feel better and it will always be there. I stayed for 5 years and then kicked him out when he had another affair. Why put yourself through all that pain, life is too short and a 2 month affair is more than a drunken mistake.

FaceOfASpink Tue 09-Jun-20 23:34:47

The bits about 'I was given good advice about how to repair the relationship' and 'taking responsibility for my part in that'. How about just forgetting that kind of shitty therapy advice? It's really liberating when the penny drops and you stop buying into that nonsense.
I've been where you are (more than once). My best advice to you is to get on the Chumplady website, get the book/audiobooks and let the good sense she writes sink in. Your future self will thank you for it.

TheStuffedPenguin Tue 09-Jun-20 23:38:40

These are early days for you and for him . There is no rush in making any decisions . Sadly I know how horrible all of this . I have stood and banged my head against a wall to try to stop thoughts .

Was the affair over when you found out about it ?

category12 Tue 09-Jun-20 23:40:40

My experience was that I stayed, and he cheated again. He cried and begged and claimed depression and all sorts. I don't think he ever had any intention of leaving me for anyone else, he just couldn't/wouldn't be faithful. Also, after that his cheating was better hidden, so it was harder, because always the element of doubt - was he really, etc etc.. Best thing I ever did was give up and let go of the relationship.

Constantlysad Tue 09-Jun-20 23:42:47

I can afford to be in the house by myself (just about!) and I know I don’t deserve what he’s done. I’m just totally fed up with thinking about it all the time and bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I just want to move on one way or another. I’m not sure there’s any hope left though. Although in this situation 6 months isn’t a long time, it is when you’re living with it day in and day out.

OP’s posts: |
Constantlysad Tue 09-Jun-20 23:45:06

It wasn’t over when I found out no.. it stopped as soon as I did as far as I know. This is the problem, there’s very little trust anymore obviously so who knows. As for the begging and saying he’ll do anything, we’d all say that in that situation wouldn’t we.

OP’s posts: |
FaceOfASpink Tue 09-Jun-20 23:49:25

So he'd still be happily shagging her if you hadn't found out.
Did you get STI tested?
Forget all the begging and crying. There are reasons for this behaviour and they're not good ones. 6 months is no time at all for you to recover from what he did. You could reasonably expect another year and a half of it.

Constantlysad Tue 09-Jun-20 23:51:16

Yeah I did have an sti test and luckily it was clear. I just couldn’t stand another 18 months of this. It is getting easier with time but I can’t bare it being on my mind all the time anymore.

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eatsleepread Tue 09-Jun-20 23:54:08

It all sounds very dramatic. And I am not being unsympathetic, as my ex husband cheated on me! thanks
Stay if he makes you happy, and if you love each other. Leave if not. But the histrionics aren't healthy for anyone.

illclapwheniminpressed Tue 09-Jun-20 23:54:26

I night terrors of my ex killing me with a smile on his face, I realised that I didn't trust him. I could pretend for my dc but the truth was I didn't and guess what he was still cheating.

FaceOfASpink Tue 09-Jun-20 23:57:08

Honestly I think you'd be better off without him. Learn to value yourself more highly, recover, be independent for a while and then choose someone who's an adult not a cheating tosser.

Crystalspider Tue 09-Jun-20 23:59:20

I think your more likely to recover better without him in 18months than stay with him always wondering if it's still going on.

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