Tiny "lies" worth ending relationship?

[Rosie246]

Hello everyone,

I have been with my partner for 18 months. We live together and she is an amazing person who I love very much.

I have depression and borderline personality disorder and therefore for the whole of our relationship there have been ups and downs with my mental health, but she has been there for me through everything.

Because of my BPD, trust and feelings of safety are extremely important to me, and I admit that I am very hypervigiliant to any sign of someone lying to me, or acting suspiciously etc. Also, I was cheated on my a past long term partner and I had absolutely no idea, and it completely blind sided me which has added to my "paranoia". I recognise these things and admit them.

I know that I struggle with insecurity and jealousy. Anyone with BPD knows that it comes with a big fear of abandonment. I know that my partner feels worried about triggering me or setting things off. However, I have told her so many times that I would rather hear a truth that I don't like, than for you to tell a white lie, or to hide something from me. Because I will find it out, and then it will chip away at my trust and add to my feelings of paranoia. I already have to fight my irrational fears everyday so I feel like when she says these little lies they mess with my mind and I am constantly questioning what is real and what isn't.

She says that she doesn't lie, but she just tries to avoid things that she thinks will get a bad reaction from me. But by doing these things it is making everything worse because I then feel I camt take what she says on face value. And if she can say these drip drip lies, will this lead to bigger ones?

[NoMoreDickheads]

What lies has she told?

[Puddlejuice]

It depends what lies she has told.
It also depends on whether your reactions are so OTT as to make her feel a white lie is better than your reaction, in which case there is blame on both sides I'd say.

[BertiesLanding]

It's important to know what lies she has told you in this case.

Also, while you have BPD and I know how awful it can be, no-one else is responsible for your mental wellbeing. They can't be - because, as you've found out, you can then find yourself on very shaky inner ground.

[catsandlavender]

My boyfriend asks if I’m interested in hearing about a new guitar/amp/whatever and I’m like “yes babes!” I’m not interested in it at all but I don’t want him to know that!! That’s technically a white lie but I don’t think anyone would blame me. He probably does the same to me when I make him smell all my wax melts.
If, say, it was something like that, and you’ve got quite upset before, and so she thinks you’ll “kick off” at her, then she isn’t in the wrong. She might feel like she’s walking on eggshells.

However if she’s lying about bigger things then it’s totally different. Context needed.

[Rosie246]

One time she went out for the day with a friend, she and instead of saying their name like "oh tomorrow I am seeing Faye" she said "I am seeing a friend tomorrow" and acted like it was someone I didn't know. And the reason for this was because it was someone she used to fancy and she knew that I knew that and she didn't want to deal with me being anxious or worried about it so she just said "friend" and hoped I wouldn't ask who. Ok, not a direct lie but it made me feel like why are you acting sneaky?

Tbh they are little lies so I don't remember the details, but each time I catch one again it feels like a really big deal.

Yesterday I asked her to do something important for me, and she hadn't done it. She said it was because she forgot. And then she said that she decided not to do it but said the first reason as she was trying to get away with it. She then said both reasons were true at different times.

[Kvala]

I am very literal and hate lies. But I also find that the more I look for lies, the more I find them because to be fair we all tell white lies occasionally to avoid hurting other people's feelings or just to make life go smoothly. Have you tried talking to a counsellor or therapist about this? They might be able to help you take a more rounded view of your DPs lies and determine whether it is a black and white, her lies are bad for you situation, or whether actually you need to be a bit more flexible in your thinking.

[Mycatsmellsbad]

It’s easy for you to say to her that you would rather hear the truth even you don’t like it but if your reaction makes her feel like crap then I don’t really blame her for avoiding that - she must feel like she’s constantly treading on eggshells around you.

[Eckhart]

I think if it's making you uncomfortable and you've told her so, she should respect your feelings.

I've had a similar situation to the 'naming of Faye' one, and just thought 'Why did you bother? You knew I'd feel uncomfortable, so you lied, and that's supposed to feel better?'

I don't like lies, and I don't like being brushed off with 'Oh, it was only a little lie, you're overreacting.'

If it was insignificant, you wouldn't bother to lie, would you. I think this happens when someone is either guilty of something, or not guilty, but doesn't want to deal with your response. Neither is the behaviour of a supportive partner.

[NoMoreDickheads]

she and instead of saying their name like "oh tomorrow I am seeing Faye" she said "I am seeing a friend tomorrow" and acted like it was someone I didn't know. And the reason for this was because it was someone she used to fancy and she knew that I knew that and she didn't want to deal with me being anxious or worried about it so she just said "friend" and hoped I wouldn't ask who.

So, sorry if this is an overreach but as you used 'Faye' as a name, is this person she used to fancy a female friend? Is she bi and so you're funny about it? (Being bi doesn't mean we cheat more than anyone else BTW, I don't think.)

She then said both reasons were true at different times.

So she told you the truth each time then perhaps- one time she forgot and one time she changed her mind.

What was the thing? Was it wanting her to tell you where she was, or something like that?

[Rosie246]

Yes she says I have very black and white thinking and she feels she is walking on eggshells because of my mental health.

I sent emails to about 4-5 different counsellors last night as I do really need someone to talk to. I feel so unhappy within myself and obviously this skews how I view things in the relationship too. :( I just want to trust and feel safe with her :(

[Rosie246]

@NoMoreDickheads

she and instead of saying their name like "oh tomorrow I am seeing Faye" she said "I am seeing a friend tomorrow" and acted like it was someone I didn't know. And the reason for this was because it was someone she used to fancy and she knew that I knew that and she didn't want to deal with me being anxious or worried about it so she just said "friend" and hoped I wouldn't ask who.

So, sorry if this is an overreach but as you used 'Faye' as a name, is this person she used to fancy a female friend? Is she bi and so you're funny about it? (Being bi doesn't mean we cheat more than anyone else BTW, I don't think.)

She then said both reasons were true at different times.

So she told you the truth each time then perhaps- one time she forgot and one time she changed her mind.

What was the thing? Was it wanting her to tell you where she was, or something like that?

We are both female. She is lesbian and I am bisexual.

[Eckhart]

Do you feel that your response is unmanageable when, for example, she's mentioned Faye before?

[Rosie246]

Faye has never been an issue for me, it was a short lived crush that never went anywhere so I didn't even care that they were meeting up! She just thought that I would because of my insecurities

[KylieKoKo]

It sounds like she's sick of dealing with enormous overreactions to shall things. It's all well and good saying you prefer honesty but if you generally react badly to it and she has to deal with the fallout I can see what she'd keep things from you.

Have you tried CBT to help you keep your reactions more proportionate?

[Eckhart]

I'm talking about your reactions in general, OP, the Faye one was just an example. Is your partner having to deal with reactions that you feel are, to some extent, too much, sometimes?

[NoMoreDickheads]

What is the thing you asked her to do that she didn't want to do?

[Sally872]

I think you need to work on yourself. Your poor partner seems like she is walking on eggshells.

She doesnt have to tell you who she is meeting and saying friend is not a lie.

You seem to believe she left out the name as she is worried about your reaction rather than because of anything untoward. A partner shouldn't feel like that.

Work on yourself and hope she starts to feel able to talk freely.

[Eckhart]

she didn't want to deal with me being anxious or worried about it

If you're the kind of person who gets anxious and worried about things, she's not the right partner for you. Unless your anxiety and worry is out of control, in your eyes, and you want to look into changing it, for yourself

That's what I'm getting at.

[Batqueen]

Everyone is assuming that her reaction is about you but it maybe more something ingrained in her from her own experience.

You are dealing with your own issues and that may obscure the fact that she has developed this behaviour as a way of coping with her own issues.

My partner does this. It is a learned behaviour and nothing to do with me. It is a learned response from his family background. He knows he can diffuse a situation by telling a half truth.

He is always worried about how the other person will react even if they have given him no cause
(ie I’m a chilled person - he knows I’m not going to get mad at him but he automatically thinks of how he could get in trouble for what he’s done as he grew up in an environment where that happened)

We’ve had several chats about it as there are times when I’ve been quite upset by it but when he’s explained his thinking and I’ve seen him do it to other people I have realised it really is about him and not me and something he is trying to work on. Also, having met his family I understand where it comes from!

[MMmomDD]

OP - to be perfectly honest I feel sorry for your gf. Being in a relationship where you have to constantly worry about the (over)reactions of your partner is tough and it will eventually grind her down. And at a min would make her unhappy, or she’d eventually leave to protect herself. She already sounds quite bruised and trying to mitigate it by avoiding any inkling of any issues. And then you come down at her again and again when she does that. In a way - you seem to he punishing her for all the wrongs of others, which isn’t really fair.

So - if you want this - or any relationships of yours to survive and last - please please get help.
Currently - you are making it all about you - your ups and downs, your insecurities, your past. And you are expecting and demanding that she does this and that to help you manage your every little issue.
It’s all about your needs.

What about her? What are YOU doing to meet hers? What do you think she is getting from this relationship?

So - get help and get out of this self focused mindset. And stop punishing her.

[PixelatedLunchbox]

Having lived with (and divorced) a BPD person, I would say that the lies from your partner are to avoid drama. it doesn't make it right, but having lived with it, the hyper vigilance, paranoia, and jealousy gets exhausting to deal with.

You are a HUGE step ahead of the game OP in that you know you have BPD. I would really suggest you get couples counselling together, with someone that has experience in BPD.

[Eckhart]

Lots of assumptions from PPs about the balance of things here. It could be that OP overreacts and her partner is trying to deal with this. It could be that partner is making OP feel to blame for her own lies.

OP we need more info about the behaviour of yours that your partner is trying to avoid. Do you blame her, or do you think, in her situation, you might also be trying to find another way round things?

[namesnames]

Your OH should not be constantly worrying about triggering you.

You should work on that, not her.