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Shallow to end a relationship because of celibacy?

(56 Posts)
alltoomuchrightnow Mon 08-Jun-20 22:22:29

It won't be the main reason at all but it is an important one to me, to consider ending over.
Please don't ask me the reasons why the celibacy as been through this before on MN, DP won't seek help and doesn't actually want to. It really is final on that score. This has never been my choice however it's killed a lot of the love between us. We live as housemates really, which I find very sad, hollow and depressing
I keep being told I'm shallow by certain friends I have told. But some of them are in celibate relationships and are fine with it.
But that's them, It's not fine for me.
I do have libido I do have desire/drive, and I miss intimacy, sexual love, romantic love.
Sex is important, it's not everything but is important, I've been without for too long.
It's not what I want any more.
Am I shallow? I'm not seeking justification I think mind is made up but I'm sad

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Lilacpheonix Mon 08-Jun-20 22:30:28

Definitely not shallow! You have a real true natural need that is not being met. I absolutely could not continue with a celibate relationship being forced on me, neither should you. Ltb.

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 08-Jun-20 22:32:33

I've put up with it for years and we never had a proper sex life anyway and I kidded myself it was ok as there's more to life.
But I'm a normal woman with needs and lots of love to give (and deserve to receive too) and I remember what good sex can be and I get so depressed. It affects my self worth too.
It hurts when single people say 'oh well its ok for you you had lockdown with DP, must have been sex on tap'. I can't tell them he's not had sex with me for so so long and said he never will again.
How does that make me shallow to want more?

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Michaelbaubles Mon 08-Jun-20 22:33:01

Well, you have one life. Is this how you want to spend it? Is it shallow to actually care about how you live the entire rest of your life?

SamanthaStripyPants Mon 08-Jun-20 22:34:15

As you say, that's them. It's not fine for you. It's not shallow in the slightest. It's a significant issue and if there is no compromise or middle ground you are completely reasonable to leave. Be it the only issue or one of many.

Have you considered or discussed an open relationship? Sorry if you have and I'm getting you to repeat

Greentrees33 Mon 08-Jun-20 22:34:49

@alltoomuchrightnow I dont think you are shallow for wanting intimacy in your relationship. Seems like you have really tried with DP, so it’s not like you’ve not tried. How old are you?

Dozer Mon 08-Jun-20 22:35:25

Not at all “shallow”!

alltoomuchrightnow Mon 08-Jun-20 22:36:31

My best friend has this situation and she does have needs and libido but she loves her DP so much she puts up with it , she can't see life without him (known him since she was 13, she's now mid 40s, I think that's far too young to be celibate, she has been for about a decade now, and I remember her when younger with other men, having tons of partners...I know she's fooling herself) She says she gets by with a vibrator when he's out but that doesn't work in my situation. I find it too depressing. A bit of plastic does not make up for a man or loving touch/ intimacy or even just a good old fashioned shag.
Other friends don't care as lost their libido anyway so find it a relief.
But I can't keep comparing to others and saying well if it's fine for them.. I'm so unhappy.
One friend is actually furious with me as says she' s lived without sex for years, never wants it again and she likes me DP, she also knows he's been abusive in past, so she knows there's good reason, not just the sex! Yet she seems so angry with me and keeps lecturing about what on earth will I do, where will I go etc.. well I don't know! But I'll work it out! I feel so unsupported.

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formerbabe Mon 08-Jun-20 22:37:41

I don't think it's shallow at all. But even if it was, you can end a relationship for any reason you want.

Crystalspider Mon 08-Jun-20 22:43:41

Assuming you've still got at least half your life left to live then no its not shallow, if your in your 80's I'd say just enjoy the rest of your life as friends. Quite understand where your coming from, it's the intimacy too.
If your friends are happy that's up to them you can't live by other peoples rules, it's your life.

Does your DP realise that you could seriously end it?

I haven't exactly been in your situation but when my DC were very young I really went off it and didn't realise the effect it was having on my DP at the time, it did come back later though, I just found it a very stressful time so that was the reason, do you think there is any stress affecting your DP?

Littlemix1 Mon 08-Jun-20 22:45:55

Not shallow at all. Sex and intimacy is an important part of a relationship and I for one could not be in a sexless relationship l. Don't get me wrong if there was a genuine medical reason my partner couldn't have sex then that would be different. But if he just decided he wanted to be celibate then that would be the end for me

NoMoreDickheads Mon 08-Jun-20 22:46:27

^ said he never will again.^

That's really sad OP. sad As you said, if you were both like it that'd be fine, but you're not. You're not shallow, you just want different things (and what you want, most people would want.)

One friend is actually furious with me as says she' s lived without sex for years, never wants it again and she likes me DP

You could say 'you have him, then' though she's daft to like him when he's abusive, that's not really a friend who cares for your wellbeing, if she thinks you should stay with an abusive man.

he's been abusive in past

Omg, even worse/more reasons to finish with him. Feel free to discuss it if you want to.

I'll work it out!

That's the spirit that won as the war grin

I feel so unsupported

Friends are overrated OP. If they're crap then bin. I learned that after binning a crap man.

Eckhart Mon 08-Jun-20 22:49:49

No, it's not shallow.

Also, if he's refusing any kind of compromise to try to meet your needs, that indicates a wider issue than just sex.

SandyY2K Mon 08-Jun-20 22:56:19

Not shallow at all.

Same as it wouldn't be if a man felt as you do.

Starcup Mon 08-Jun-20 23:04:26

You’re not shallow at all. I would leave him OP. If you’re happy to live in a sexless marriage/partnership then absolutely fair enough. It’s between you two.

But you’re not and why should you be? To keep him happy? No no no. Sex is a fundamental part of a relationship so that’s his choice.

Leave him OP and meet someone that will make you feel alive!!!

canigooutyet Mon 08-Jun-20 23:08:30

It’s not shallow to want happiness.
You don’t have to settle with someone to make them happy. He is in control of his future and so are you, and this doesn’t have to be together.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 09-Jun-20 00:00:38

Greentrees, I'm late 40s.
Libido fine, no sign of menopause, (but do have friends in menopause having great sex lives.. so...)
I don't want my 50s to be like this. All of my 40s has been awful or in recent years just 'getting by' (DP, and ex fiance before him)
I feel I'm too young still. After all I have friends in their 60s with amazing sex lives

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alltoomuchrightnow Tue 09-Jun-20 00:03:09

Samantha, not discussed but I have considered.
I am in touch with someone though I fancy very much (who likes me) and hope can meet after lockdown. But I wouldn't have an open relationship at least not long term as that wouldn't be fair on the new person.. I would leave DP

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NoMoreDickheads Tue 09-Jun-20 00:05:34

Life's too short OP, seriously. I put up with a lot of this. And of course, the longer you wait, the more the blokes you run into are going to have erectile dysfunction (not because of you, because of their age.)

So if you want decent sex you really have to seize the day.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 09-Jun-20 00:15:04

Too true, and love your name, NoMoreDickheads!

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chipsandgin Tue 09-Jun-20 00:18:56

Of course not. Split, remain friends if you can and find someone who is more than friends to share your life with. It really is that simple, life is far too short to make compromises like the one you are making.

IdblowJonSnow Tue 09-Jun-20 00:31:14

Absolutely not shallow OP. Of course you'll work it out.
Tell the 'friend' that you want some support not her anger - or just ditch her...
Yanbu to want more from your relationship.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor Tue 09-Jun-20 00:39:49

I've been there OP, you are not being shallow at all

I got out of that situation - it was really hard as we loved each other and if I'm honest I still have misty eyed memories on times - but oh my goodness I now have the most amazing relationship , both emotional and sexual.

Do it. For you.

alltoomuchrightnow Tue 09-Jun-20 00:55:30

I"m glad you do now, MrJolly..

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alltoomuchrightnow Tue 09-Jun-20 00:57:03

The thing is that he is an old friend of mine, I've known him since I was early 20s, we have lots of mutual friends, so people see our history and think we are meant to be.
But we live like a rather bored brother and sister. We should have always been just 'brother and sister'.

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