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Should I walk away?

(16 Posts)
Anonymousdog Mon 08-Jun-20 21:10:06

Sorry this is long.....My partner and I had a great relationship, the absolute love of my life, no issues whatsoever. Had our future planned out and I was the happiest I have been. Then all of a sudden he’s floored with depression, anxiety, panic attacks. He’s so low, he doesn’t want to talk, hasn’t managed to eat, or sleep properly for weeks. His thoughts spiral and he can’t make any decisions. He tries to search for a reason as to why this has happened and is questioning our relationship, his job, our house etc. He’s been on medication for a long time and had a history of ,depression and anxiety and is also seeking help from a therapist.

I have always stood by him and told him I am there for him, whatever he needs even when he tells me he’s not sure he wants what we have. In the last four weeks he’s made decisions and statements (which change daily) that includes:

‘I’m not sure I want a relationship’
‘I want to move back with my parents’
‘I miss my family when I feel like this’
‘I’m moving out and I’m renting a flat with my best friend’
‘I need my own space and things’
‘I don’t want to move out’
‘I don’t know how I feel about anything’
‘I’m not renting anymore I’m going to buy a place and I don’t know what that means for us’
‘I think I want a break but I don’t know what’s best’

It’s been an emotional roller coaster and each time he’s said something like above I prepare myself and I get my head straight for him to change his mind.

I’ve supported him with everything telling him I would help and do whatever he needs to feel better. Giving him space, taking on all the household chores, when he walks out and tells me he doesn’t know where his head is, I tell him I love him and that I’ll still be here but it is killing me not knowing when he’s going to change his mind again.

Now, he never comes near me, he barely talks to me because of how he is feeling, there is no affection, we haven’t cuddled for days let alone anything else, he turns his back on me in bed, and spends most of the time on his phone or telling all his friends about how he is feeling and what he’s thinking and I am the last to know. I keep asking if there is anything I can do to help and he says no. I came out and asked him if he needed time and space or wanted a break and he said ‘I don’t know what I want, I know I love you but that’s all I know’.

I love him but I cannot keep waiting around, when someone doesn’t know if they want me or our relationship. It is consuming me and I have lost weight and my work is suffering. Should i wait around and continue supporting or should I say we need a break until he sorts his head out? Please help me

OP’s posts: |
Skang Mon 08-Jun-20 21:15:35

I think he should definitely go and stay elsewhere. I don't think you should wait around for him to decide if he wants to be with you or not. What kind of life is that?!

His feelings about your relationship are separate from his illness.

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus Mon 08-Jun-20 21:19:12

It sounds very hard work, but by being his therapist you are enabling him to treat you poorly.
You partner obviously needs support, but you run the risk of supporting him only for him to recover and leave anyway.
Where are you in this? Dont you matter? Please put the attention on yourself and discuss with him that his behaviour is erratic and hurtful.
If you give him space he may well come to realise he risks losing you all together, or he happier out of the relationship. Either way he has shown you his feelings.
Please put all the attention you have been putting on him back to yourself. He may need more support than you can actually give flowers

Crystalspider Mon 08-Jun-20 21:19:37

You have to give him an ultimatum 'are you staying or going' and be firm with him, you've tried your best and it's really not fair on your mental health either.

Mintypylonsfryingsurplus Mon 08-Jun-20 21:22:43

Yep agree with above I think the saying goes if someone considers you an option, take yourself out of the equation.
Look for patterns that you may have in fixing people like this. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Sameold2020 Mon 08-Jun-20 21:34:46

You need to stop living together, at least temporarily. You don't have to end things yet, but I think 'a break' would be a good idea. Let him have space and someone else look after him for a bit. You do you. Be happy, be free. I'm not sure how old you are, but you don't need this.

Mintlegs Tue 09-Jun-20 06:11:39

It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it. You seem to have gone above and beyond in trying to help and understand

JustKittenAround Tue 09-Jun-20 06:17:31

Take a minute.. forget his wants for a moment...what do you want? Outside of someone else’s needs.... what do you truly want?

I’d bet not this. You really have to accept your own worth. Your partner can hem and haw about thing, but truth is you control a lot of this situation.

It doesn’t matter if they are unsure, please be sure of your own worth. Don’t fall into the pit of waiting and hoping because you’re better than that.

Please take some time out for yourself. You are valuable and worthy of good treatment. I will bet solid money on that.

Anonymousdog Tue 09-Jun-20 08:07:10

Thank you everyone for your replies. I know I do not want to be with someone who is unsure of what they want, especially me. The hardest part is before this bout of depression he was the most loving person, he was so attentive and affectionate. Too much pressure to make decisions right now is the worst for him because he is incapable of doing so. That being said, I guess I nor our relationship should even be questionable in his head.....even with depression

OP’s posts: |
Bathbedandbeyond Tue 09-Jun-20 08:11:47

OP, my friends DH did this, he told her he was suicidal, but it transpired that he was having an affair.

NoMoreDickheads Tue 09-Jun-20 08:43:30

You have to give him an ultimatum 'are you staying or going' and be firm with him, you've tried your best and it's really not fair on your mental health either.

Crystal makes a good point. If his MH is struggling he could move out, and move back in when he can stop with all the telling you he might not want to be with you etc.

I know as women we're told we should be all supportive, but let's face it it's really not fun being with someone like this.

And he's not considering your feelings at all.

Too much pressure to make decisions right now is the worst for him because he is incapable of doing so.

Make the decision 'for him' (for you.)

userabcname Tue 09-Jun-20 09:06:50

This sounds really rough. Unfortunately I know 2 people whose husbands went through similar, and both times it turned out to be less about mental health and more about the fact the husband had found someone else and didn't know how to end it, so it does ring alarm bells for me.

Skang Tue 09-Jun-20 10:24:01

Yes, that crossed my mind too. Is it actually depression or has he met someone else? You say he's spending a lot of time on his phone. This just doesn't add up as depression to me.

Menora Tue 09-Jun-20 12:14:47

I honestly it sounds like there is someone else

PicsInRed Tue 09-Jun-20 12:45:49

Dump him and make room in your life for someone who isn't (quite clearly from your post) having an affair.

He'll "meet" someone new soon after you dump him. Let that be your proof of having done the right thing for you. She will have a cheat and stuck with himself forever.

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 09-Jun-20 16:54:33

My adored XH did something similar. Told me he was having a breakdown (which, given some circumstances, was a reasonable excuse). I tried and tried and gave him so much help and did practically everything he wanted. I was abject. I put him above everyone else and worked myself into my own poor MH to try to 'make him better'. Turned out that he really wanted out of the relationship because he'd decided he was in love with someone else.

The 'someone else' wasn't in love with him, didn't have any feelings for him and hadn't even been out with him alone for a coffee. Now whether his 'breakdown' led to him thinking she wanted more or whether it was the other way round - well, the end result was the same.

He had to leave. The behaviour was incompatible with me having any kind of life at all. He decided to go, but it was the most incredibly painful time of my life.

OP, yours likewise needs to go. Whether it's a breakdown, whether it's an affair or even just the possibility of one. Once they start with the 'I need to be alone' line - they are mentally already out of the relationship. Get him out before he starts trying to make you the bad guy...

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